Honestly

My first entry. A quick write. Needs some editing. I just wanted to start sharing

No more bullshit,
No more pretense,
The weight of the lies I have lived by is too intense.
The worst arguments you will ever have will be with the mirror.
There will never be anyone like your first love,
All you can hope is to meet someone better
Then just pray to a being you don't even believe in
to not just f**k this s**t up again.
You tell yourself it gets better
With the same venom on your lips
you used to kiss her for what you knew would be the last time.
Shame is harder to heal than pain,
It always rains, you just notice it more when you're depressed.
I am terrified that everyone will find out
I am just as frightened, anxious, and full of s**t as the rest of them.
I second guess my second guesses and I'm jealous of sociopaths.
Most days I'm somewhere between screaming and going back to sleep.
My dreams are mostly as unmemorable as my days.
Let me count the ways I'm crazy.
1.I believe that everyone will hurt me in the end
we all die alone... Why not get a head start?
2,That the heart of a man is more akin to a vaccume tube,
broken it can never be fixed, but will be filled to the point of fracture.
3.That I believe anyone else is even close to sanity,
4.For never forgetting everyone I've ever invited in that then abandoned me,
the vampiresses that left me empty,
and never being able to identify the sources of all these scars.
5. That I think this is reality.
6.That no one really knows what they are doing,
flailing in the abyss as we twist and fall and tumble through this existance
like a cacophony of autum leaves caught in gale force winds.
7.You will never be more sorry
than when you don't live up to your own expectations.
8. You are your own worst critic,
but even that guys opinion is bullshit.
9.I believe that believing in myself
is like believing in demons and rooting for the other team.
10. That nothing really matters
but everything you do is the most important thing in the history of the galaxy.
11.That one man can change the world,
or at least the world he experiences in the privacy of his own cranium.
We feel the most shame for the things that no one else knows.
We fear anyone discovering who we really are inside
and are even more terrified that no one ever know.
Some of us don't have the audacity to hope.
Some will come and go quietly, respectfully, without making any waves.
Some will break the mold
Some will grow it on their bones as they hope to move.
I know that there is no soul at the bottom of this well
I know that this place can be indecipherable from hell
I know that everyone else is so selfconscious
that we shuffle past each other like ants
on our way to the alter of the all mighty magnifying glass.
I know that we are all too scared to move
so we will grow roots like tombstone to mediocrity
We accept the worst and don't even dare hope for the best
Success is the most terrifying prospect.
The worst case scenario is no match for what we know.
That the best thing we could do is let go and tap out gracefully.
That the brightest candles burn out the quickest
And so we smolder like an infernos ghost
remembering what it was like to be a spark
A hollow man
remembering what it was like to have a heart.

Author's Note

Do your worst. I need it.