God's Sacrifice

This is a poem about modern life teenage sacrifices done all around the world. Please support you children and don't let them to become prisoners of all negative emotions that they feel around you.

I am a prisoner of my emotions

and I can loose all the devotion

It is just a matter of time

Until I don't have even a dime

 

Forget about all material things

forget about all sad emotions

Just have a several drinks

but don't forget to drink with caution

 

Sometimes you think that you're dead

sometimes you feel that you're alive

Please believe in what I said

Please just live you own life

 

Your destiny awaits your soul

your whole body is shaking

Just don't loose your control

or your life would be taken

 

We now take you body for a sacrifice

you will is now bound and broken

Your soul was taken by a surprise

your body is now god's token

 

 

Reviews

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

I don't really think that everyone is a sacrifice because not all people die for the same reason. I liked the message though. I want people to be able to live for long periods of time as well. I don't like seeing little children die either. Thanks for sharing. :)

[Jessica]

Mmm I too like the message. People should read, and heed to this. Great write.

[OceanTropic]

I loved the first line, it is so simple yet there is so much meaning behind it. It can be applied to so many things, and although you refer to the difficulties of being a teenager, I think this line can apply to just about anything in life.

Why do we suffer? Why do we cry? Or feel happy? Or get confused?

Because we are all prisoners of our emotions. Beautiful line, I actually think I will quote this.

I can see how you try to illustrate the struggles many teens go through, trying to get lost in substance. Nice work! Keep writing :D

[Aldora Sparrow]

I really liked this one because it has some of the contradictions that is prevalent in teenage life. "Just have several drinks" (take out a) "but don't forget to drink with caution."
My only suggestion is to make a decision to rhyme or not. In the first stanza, it went well (except last line about not even having a dime, since it sounds too cliche to my ears), but then you lost it in the middle. Then it sort of came back in the last stanza. This change in rhyme throws off the nice rhythm you had going and I had to stop a few times to go back and reread it with the conscious thought that it wasn’t rhyming anymore. I think you need to really think about whether to keep it or not because, to the lazy reader like me, I want to be out there and easy that it won’t detract from the original idea you had.
Otherwise, nice work

[MagiCrystal]

Life awaits...

[N.E.T.]

This is a great message and the intent is clear - I love how you speak to the reader. but you are also speaking to yourself. I saw minor grammatical errors - but I don't usually point them out since we all have them. This has a nice flow, courage, and vulnerability all wrapped up in one - really nice work. Thank you for sharing with me!

[...]

... an incredibly powerful poem with an incredibly powerful message ...

Your destiny awaits your soul
your whole body is shaking
Just don't loose your control
or your life would be taken

... it's such a powerful metaphor ... not just for teens and addictions ... but for anyone ... the sense of recklessness that we sometimes get afflicted by takes such a toll on us ... and we end up being self-destructive or bitter and cynical ... a very well-etched poem ... thank you for writing this ...

[St.Jimmy]

this poem is amazing i found it very powerful with a good flow and a rhyme scheme
there are few errors in the grammar which caused some chaos for me while reading please edit them
thanks
Good job
~Aaradhya

[Hippy]

i enjoyed this peice but in this line is the "a" nessasary idk i feel it was a killer of the flow idk if it was have a few drinks itd work but a several idk just my opinion idk if its improper english

Just have a several drinks

[James Watts]

This was nicely written.

Your destiny awaits your soul(love this line.)

Nice write.