Sister complex

A short story written to push the envelope of what most find acceptable

Sister complex


'Man, I hate this guy' I thought to myself as I was sitting at the dinning table. Listening to this guy talk and laugh like he belongs here, made me lose my appetite. "Oh, Richard tell mom, the story your dad told today" said my sister Ashley with a beautiful smile on her face. Normally looking at my older sister's face would make me happy, but no tonight how can I be happy knowing that smile on her face is because of this.... Richard Smith. Richard is saying something, which is probably funny considering how much my mom and two sisters were laughing. " Are you okay Marcus?"asks Ashley interrupting me from playing with the beans on my plate. "Oh..ah yeah, I just have a headache I think I'll go to sleep now so uh...excuse me" I respond while looking from my mom to my older sister.

I walk into the kitchen and place my dish on the sink, but before I turn I hear my little sister voice "you aren't trying to run away from washing the dishes are you? It's your turn tonight you know?"says Alice with a suspicious look in her eyes. "No, Alice that's not what I'm doing anyway good night" I answer, "oh yeah goodnight" she responds meekly. Walking up the stairs I could still hear the voices from dinning room "MOM, the is no need to tell him that story" says Ashley, even from this distance I could tell she was feeling embarrassed.

I walk into the bathroom and look at the mirror above the sink,' I need to shave' I think to myself. 'What does she see in that guy anyway, what Alice and mom being happy family with that guy' I ponder while brushing my teeth. By the time I get into bed it's already nine thirty, I turn off the lamp beside my bed. After twenty minutes of imagining ways of killing Richard, I find myself wondering why I'm like this. I'm nineteen years old now and somehow have never had a girlfriend, somehow I don't really have much interest in girls. Perhaps it would be better to say that other than objects of sexual desire I have no interest in girls.

The only women I care about are the ones I live with right now. However things get weird when it comes to my older sister Ashley twenty-two, smart and extremely beautiful. According to mom she has her father's brown eyes, a fact she doesn't want to hear because she hates the guy. Apparently prior to our mom marrying mine and Alice's dad, she had a boyfriend who she assumed loved her as well. When she got pregnant, the boyfriend accused her of cheating with my dad who was her best friend at the time and he denied that the baby was his. Long story short my dad confessed his feelings for her and said while he knows that she may not feel the same about him, but he wants to marry her because he loves her and also to make sure her parents didn't freak out.

At first she was reluctant because while she loved him, she wasn't in love with him, anyway after they got married I was born and then two years later Alice was born. My dad never lived long enough to see my sister first birthday he died in a car accident. For as long as I can remember I've always been intrigued by Ashley, but when I turn sixteen things took a bad turn. My curiosity with my sister turned into something that brought about a lot of confusion and self hatred. At first I started noticing how nice she smelt like strawberries, but that was just beginning.

Soon I would find myself staring at her for way too long. Looking at her soft white skin, her oval shaped face, her brown eyes and her beautiful curly black hair was mesmerizing for me. I then started feeling disgusted with myself and then started to distance myself from my sister, I would avoid her as much as I could. Then that ended one day when I walked into my room I found Ashley sitting on my bed. The moment I walked in she looked at me and open her mouth to say "you've been avoiding me, why?"looking at her serious my heart rate increased and I could feel the heat rushing to my face. "Hey, who told you can come into my room?" I said in an attempt to change the subject, "just answer me" Ashley replied.

" I mean is it something I did?cause I seem to be the only one you're avoiding,w...why ...is that?"she said and this time I could hear that her voice was cracking. Somehow I couldn't bring myself to look at her, because I knew if I looked at her I would probably reveal my secret to her. Why did someone like have a sister like her, why does she have a sick, scum like me for a brother. " Don't even think about lying to me" she said " sorry sis, I'm so sorry, so sorry" I could feel my eyes getting wet "I'm sorry, but I can't tell you".


I could feel her arms surrounding me, she was hugging me "you can tell me anything, you know this but just this once I won't push you and please stop avoiding me". After hearing I couldn't contain the tears anymore, I felt so guilty. From that day on I knew I had to suppress my feelings for her, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't suppress the jealousy. I hated that guy Richard not because he's bad guy or anything, but because he was dating her and now he was working his 'charms' on my family.

'Knock Knock'
After an hour of twisting and turning in my bed, I heard a knock at my door. Before I could answer I heard the door open. "Hey, are you awake?Marcus?"said Ashley "I am now" I responded pretending to have just woken up. "You don't like Richard huh? Don't try to deny it too" she said "um...well I'm your brother so it would if I liked your boyfriends" I responded as calmly as I could while looking at her. "That's the thing though every boyfriend as of late you've hated, what's with that?". "Well um...."I said while trying to think a reason. "Tell me the truth Marcus" Ashley said. I was now looking at a slightly angry older sister, who I could not lie to.

Author's Note

Could you please review my writing, I am an amateur so I would to improve my writing ability.

Reviews

[g d chalupsky]

Hey, Artie.

I like this.

You talk about a heavy, and to many people, uncomfortable subject.

You show the inner turmoil Marcus feels. How he is trying to understand; trying to control his thoughts.

You give the reader hints that Ashley is coming to a realisation as to why Marcus may be acting the way he has.

By ending the story at the moment of truth, you let the reader use their own imagination to decide which direction Marcus' impending honesty will take the siblings relationship. In other words, you let the characters live on beyond the stories end.

Structurally, I did find your paragraphs to be packaged strangely. In my mind, having the dialogue of separate characters bundled into a single paragraph and further, mingled in with multiple ideas which should probably each be their own paragraph, damages the flow.

As an example, and without trying to change your punctuations....



I could feel her arms surrounding me; she was hugging me.

"You can tell me anything, you know this but, just this once, I won't push you, and please stop avoiding me."

After hearing (this )I couldn't contain the tears any more....



In my opinion, unpacking your paragraphs and letting separate ideas stand for themselves preserves the flow. And dialogue too, is easier to attribute to the different speakers when given their own space on the page.

Individual writers do have the right to build a story any way they wish, so pardon me if I am being pedantic.

Keep writing.

[artie]

Thank you for reviewing my story and I will definitely follow advice. Truth be I wasn't considering the structure of paragraphs all that much. Thanks again

[g d chalupsky]

Your welcome.

Sometimes it's best to get the thoughts down, disregarding form and structure, before the thought has left you.

You can't rewrite to improve a piece if it doesn't exist.