Sentimental

A Story by Arrow

A tale of an old man living his past memory

I’m always a suck up for this type of stuff, I can never let old vinyls go unheard in someone’s dusty attic, or worn out wool sweaters go hanging around in a widow’s closet. Why does everything have to pass on and grow to it’s own end of time. I’m sure everyone in this world has something they own that has an extreme amount of sentimental value to them, whether it be a doll that’s missing an eye from when they were a baby or even a small stone that a friend brought back from a vacation. Everything may grow old, but it can be renewed if put in the right frame of mind.

I have an old chest that has been laying around for some time, sat in the back of my work shop. I love carpentry, my whole house is basically been torn down and rebuilt, then fallen down from my handy work and lodged back into place by a few nails and a hammer. I always get around to fixing everything and that was always the flaw in my work- getting around to it. I would start work on this piece and then grow onto another and so on. I kept making plans to strip down the chest to its base wood from all the slapped on varnish that the previous owner had coated it in, in my opinion, trying to punish it in some way, but that’s just me, for I am a freak for detail. I would make the decision to carry on with the idea to fix it up and then I would come up with a spontaneous idea to craft a new longbow or carve a new wooden animal piece for my love. She loved those sort of little trinkets, how I was able to continue making them in this frail age, I’ll never know. I guess it helps remind myself of her smile once I had given them to her, but for now, they sit on a side table beside her empty chair, collecting dust. Before she past on a few years back, she would hide the figures in small parts of our home that I was hard working on so I would find them when she was gone, knowing it would bring a smile to the corner of my cheek every time I busted a chair leg or got my foot stuck through the staircase, again.

I got the chest from a lady that I once knew a few streets away, we grew up together. Well, I say together, she was always travelling around the world with her parents while I was stuck in this small Canadian town, watching the trucks go by and having the days grow colder. She would always leave me wonderful notes on my doorstep to find the day that she headed out to travel. They usually had a small phrase to make me laugh and a hint to where she was going, but I never understood why she never knocked and hugged me goodbye. I would love to say that the lady I make my wooden figures for was her, as I expect any person would while reading this, but that’s not how it was between us. We kept each other grounded to ourselves. She was the type of girl that had to run away to come back and feel at home, where I was the boy that could stay home and feel like I was out there with her in the world. Each note she left, I read with such detail that I forgot that I was standing out in the snow on my doorstep, not taking my eyes from the page, reading like a child that had just been given his first comic.

Many years have wondered by now and I sit here in my workshop, staring into the dull corner of the room where the chest sits and ages. I feel enough time has past to revisit an old friend in my mind and work on making what she had old into new again. My stiff knees only just got me from my chair, and holding my coffee in a shaky hand, I shuffled towards the edge of the room and reached out to open the lid. Dust fell from the top of it like a dry waterfall, and the lid creaked open to let the light flood in from years of sitting around. Inside was carved with wonderful circular design and patterns, all spiraling around the seam of the wood and heading towards where the lock would once be, if it hadn't rotted away. I leant the lid on the wall, resting it from falling all the way back and I peaked inside. I wasn't completely surprised to what I found, in all honesty. For I know where this chest had come from and who had owned it, but it had be a decade now since she had even touched it. Inside the chest was a letter, a simple note from my friend. I can only imagine to what it says, but I couldn't think further for that wasn’t the only thing I found. For inside that chest, laying upon that letter, was a small carved figure, that I had made only last week.

© 2014 Arrow

My Review

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Reviews

S. D. Forogar

As usual, my Good and my Bad!

The GOOD: Namely, I found that the characterization shone through in this element toe most vividly. As an old man, this narrator ACTUALLY personifies what a Reader might expect of someone such as this, rather than expressing a plethora of teen-angst themes and thoughts. This adds GREAT power to this character, even in such a short story.

If I may continue through with my love of this character, I'll easily mention that his displayed personality is not the only thing we learn about him in this piece. This, however, is both Good and Bad, and I'll go further into it below.

The BAD: Now, on to the less-than-enjoyable aspects. Since there was so little content, naturally there won't be too much criticism, though I will mention what I must.

First, I'll return to the above "Good" foreshadowing comment. I enjoyed the fact that this character was more than just a "2-D cutout," however, I've also never been too much of a fan of being told everything about a character and having no experience with said being themselves. The STRONGEST display of power is when a character and her / his Reader(s) are one, sharing the same journey (effectively, where the Reader can "walk in the shoes" of the character). With narrative reflections like this, and ESPECIALLY with so little content, this path becomes nigh impossible. I appreciate that some obvious thought has gone into this character's "back-story," but I deny it as truly representative of the element of power simply because there's no reason for me, or any other Reader, to care. He's still a cutout, just a very realistic one.

My suggestions to remedy this are exclusive of one another, but I'll mention them regardless. First, this story could use a greater "fleshing-out," so that the "old man" could SHOW us the audience every memory even if he sits in an empty room, remembering them. We need a REASON to prompt us to see things through his eyes, not simply that we can understand what he is saying but so that we can RELATE to the experiences. If he stares at a letter, for example during the closing paragraph of this piece, then we need to know WHY that item is so symbolic, and perhaps be taken on a semi-vivid journey through his own mind to just where and when that symbolism truly struck him. Minus the example I gave, there was really no other expression of such an unveiling, and my second point will pick up here following my "second solution."

The above could be done, OR a single moment in the old man's life could be extrapolated upon, such as the origins of the very letter itself. There's a great deal of mystery surrounding it, but at present TOO MUCH, and the desired effect doesn't settle as it should. No desire is really promoted, no action prompted by this letter, and due to the old man's admission that he does not know its contents ('Inside the chest was a letter, a simple note from my friend. I can only imagine to what it says . . . '), we must assume that he has but a fleeting care as to how this friend lives, which makes him appear bland toward the end of the piece.

And so, as for the power of this piece, I must admit that I'm split to both extremes. Yet, this is good! This means that you, author, have come a distance and yet still may progress further, and the only distasteful end to reach is perfection.

Now, my second point, which marks this piece as relatively uninspired by its own content. By this, I mean that these reminiscences are spawned by a "general topic," the topic of a life's cataloging of events. Most people who reflect upon their lives as a whole are tempted by some external source, and don't shoot toward any specific topics. In this instance, the "old man" is jumping between aspects of his appreciation (and perhaps metaphorically the theme of aging itself, though this as well is left to Reader interpretation). In short, no one aspect in this sense is triggered minus the chest containing the letter, and since it's taken to such an extreme, this "sentimentality" merely comes off as clunky exposition.

The above may be influenced, to some degree, by personal opinion, though there is relevant information contained within that I feel is worth keeping.

Now, finally, I'll move on.

My second, and last major issue with this piece, is with its writing. I'll use examples here to avoid seeming nit-picky, as well as my personal changes:

EXAMPLE:

"I’m always a suck up for this type of stuff, I can never let old vinyls go unheard in someone’s dusty attic, or worn out wool sweaters go hanging around in a widow’s closet." Par. 1, Sent. 1.

PROBLEM?

Run-on sentence, minor wordplay issue.

SOLUTION:

"I’m always a suck up for this type of stuff [CHANGE (,) TO (.)] I can never let old vinyls go [CHANGE (unheard) TO (unnoticed)] in someone’s dusty attic, or worn out wool sweaters [CHANGE (go hanging) TO (hang) around in a widow’s closet." Par. 1, Sent. 1.

EXAMPLE:

"I kept making plans to strip down the chest to its base wood from all the slapped on varnish that the previous owner had coated it in, in my opinion, trying to punish it in some way, but that’s just me, for I am a freak for detail." Par. 2, Sent. 5.

PROBLEM?

Run-on sentence, mildly confusing and cluttered with unnecessary text. Also, time-tense issue.

SOLUTION:

"I('d) kept making plans to strip down the chest to its base wood from all the slapped on varnish that the previous owner had coated it in [CHANGE (, in my opinion, trying to punish it in some way, but that’s just me, for I am a freak for detail.") TO (for it was unsightly.)] Par. 2, Sent. 5.

EXAMPLE:

"I got the chest from a lady that I once knew a few streets away, we grew up together." Par. 3, Sent. 1.

PROBLEM?

Time-tense issue, run-on sentence, clunky writing.

SOLUTION:

"I('d) got(ten) the chest from a lady that I('d) [CHANGE (once knew a few streets away) TO (grown up with, a neighborhood friend)] [OMIT (, we grew up together)]." Par. 3, Sent. 1.

EXAMPLE:

"We kept each other grounded to ourselves." Par. 3, Sent. 6.

PROBLEM?

Time-tense issue, mildly confusing, fragment.

SOLUTION:

"We('d) [ADD "merely"] kept [CHANGE (each other) to (one another) for sense and flow] grounded(.) [OMIT (to ourselves.)]" Par. 3, Sent. 6.

These may seem like minor nit-picks, and alone they would be, but in large groups these fragments and flaws become VERY noticeable. Proper editing needs to be implemented in order to reduce (or even eliminate) these minor flaws so that they don't so obviously reflect upon a piece as they currently do.

I could dig into the more minor flaws of this work, but I feel that this review is about as long as it needs to be in order to help inform the author as to what I really did not appreciate on a critical level. And so. . . .

In conclusion, I deem this as a very mild, down-to-earth read that has flaws preventing it from being great, but a compelling "mood" that helps it to be (in my opinion) good.

Posted 9 Years Ago

As usual, my Good and my Bad!

The GOOD: Namely, I found that the characterization shone through in this element toe most vividly. As an old man, this narrator ACTUALLY personifies what a Reader might expect of someone such as this, rather than expressing a plethora of teen-angst themes and thoughts. This adds GREAT power to this character, even in such a short story.

If I may continue through with my love of this character, I'll easily mention that his displayed personality is not the only thing we learn about him in this piece. This, however, is both Good and Bad, and I'll go further into it below.

The BAD: Now, on to the less-than-enjoyable aspects. Since there was so little content, naturally there won't be too much criticism, though I will mention what I must.

First, I'll return to the above "Good" foreshadowing comment. I enjoyed the fact that this character was more than just a "2-D cutout," however, I've also never been too much of a fan of being told everything about a character and having no experience with said being themselves. The STRONGEST display of power is when a character and her / his Reader(s) are one, sharing the same journey (effectively, where the Reader can "walk in the shoes" of the character). With narrative reflections like this, and ESPECIALLY with so little content, this path becomes nigh impossible. I appreciate that some obvious thought has gone into this character's "back-story," but I deny it as truly representative of the element of power simply because there's no reason for me, or any other Reader, to care. He's still a cutout, just a very realistic one.

My suggestions to remedy this are exclusive of one another, but I'll mention them regardless. First, this story could use a greater "fleshing-out," so that the "old man" could SHOW us the audience every memory even if he sits in an empty room, remembering them. We need a REASON to prompt us to see things through his eyes, not simply that we can understand what he is saying but so that we can RELATE to the experiences. If he stares at a letter, for example during the closing paragraph of this piece, then we need to know WHY that item is so symbolic, and perhaps be taken on a semi-vivid journey through his own mind to just where and when that symbolism truly struck him. Minus the example I gave, there was really no other expression of such an unveiling, and my second point will pick up here following my "second solution."

The above could be done, OR a single moment in the old man's life could be extrapolated upon, such as the origins of the very letter itself. There's a great deal of mystery surrounding it, but at present TOO MUCH, and the desired effect doesn't settle as it should. No desire is really promoted, no action prompted by this letter, and due to the old man's admission that he does not know its contents ('Inside the chest was a letter, a simple note from my friend. I can only imagine to what it says . . . '), we must assume that he has but a fleeting care as to how this friend lives, which makes him appear bland toward the end of the piece.

And so, as for the power of this piece, I must admit that I'm split to both extremes. Yet, this is good! This means that you, author, have come a distance and yet still may progress further, and the only distasteful end to reach is perfection.

Now, my second point, which marks this piece as relatively uninspired by its own content. By this, I mean that these reminiscences are spawned by a "general topic," the topic of a life's cataloging of events. Most people who reflect upon their lives as a whole are tempted by some external source, and don't shoot toward any specific topics. In this instance, the "old man" is jumping between aspects of his appreciation (and perhaps metaphorically the theme of aging itself, though this as well is left to Reader interpretation). In short, no one aspect in this sense is triggered minus the chest containing the letter, and since it's taken to such an extreme, this "sentimentality" merely comes off as clunky exposition.

The above may be influenced, to some degree, by personal opinion, though there is relevant information contained within that I feel is worth keeping.

Now, finally, I'll move on.

My second, and last major issue with this piece, is with its writing. I'll use examples here to avoid seeming nit-picky, as well as my personal changes:

EXAMPLE:

"I’m always a suck up for this type of stuff, I can never let old vinyls go unheard in someone’s dusty attic, or worn out wool sweaters go hanging around in a widow’s closet." Par. 1, Sent. 1.

PROBLEM?

Run-on sentence, minor wordplay issue.

SOLUTION:

"I’m always a suck up for this type of stuff [CHANGE (,) TO (.)] I can never let old vinyls go [CHANGE (unheard) TO (unnoticed)] in someone’s dusty attic, or worn out wool sweaters [CHANGE (go hanging) TO (hang) around in a widow’s closet." Par. 1, Sent. 1.

EXAMPLE:

"I kept making plans to strip down the chest to its base wood from all the slapped on varnish that the previous owner had coated it in, in my opinion, trying to punish it in some way, but that’s just me, for I am a freak for detail." Par. 2, Sent. 5.

PROBLEM?

Run-on sentence, mildly confusing and cluttered with unnecessary text. Also, time-tense issue.

SOLUTION:

"I('d) kept making plans to strip down the chest to its base wood from all the slapped on varnish that the previous owner had coated it in [CHANGE (, in my opinion, trying to punish it in some way, but that’s just me, for I am a freak for detail.") TO (for it was unsightly.)] Par. 2, Sent. 5.

EXAMPLE:

"I got the chest from a lady that I once knew a few streets away, we grew up together." Par. 3, Sent. 1.

PROBLEM?

Time-tense issue, run-on sentence, clunky writing.

SOLUTION:

"I('d) got(ten) the chest from a lady that I('d) [CHANGE (once knew a few streets away) TO (grown up with, a neighborhood friend)] [OMIT (, we grew up together)]." Par. 3, Sent. 1.

EXAMPLE:

"We kept each other grounded to ourselves." Par. 3, Sent. 6.

PROBLEM?

Time-tense issue, mildly confusing, fragment.

SOLUTION:

"We('d) [ADD "merely"] kept [CHANGE (each other) to (one another) for sense and flow] grounded(.) [OMIT (to ourselves.)]" Par. 3, Sent. 6.

These may seem like minor nit-picks, and alone they would be, but in large groups these fragments and flaws become VERY noticeable. Proper editing needs to be implemented in order to reduce (or even eliminate) these minor flaws so that they don't so obviously reflect upon a piece as they currently do.

I could dig into the more minor flaws of this work, but I feel that this review is about as long as it needs to be in order to help inform the author as to what I really did not appreciate on a critical level. And so. . . .

In conclusion, I deem this as a very mild, down-to-earth read that has flaws preventing it from being great, but a compelling "mood" that helps it to be (in my opinion) good.

Rating /100

9 Years Ago

I am absolutely astounded. Your review was amazing and extremely helpful. I do not mind the nit pick.. read more

You seem to have a recurring theme of reminiscence that I dig, this story was calm but with a background of chaotic falling apart...I was picturing it as a short movie with the house falling apart around him, putting his foot through the stairs, dust falling as he is thinking back to the girl he was with and the one he was close to even when she was away, great imagery here.