A tribute to my ever loving father....

This memoir is a small and humble tribute to my father who have returned of God's lap two months back....

June 10th 2013

He wrote on his diary

"Today we went to Lakeshore Hospital and consulted with Dr. Gangadharan. After the examination Doctor had advised me to continue with the medicines which I am already having, and he also prescribed me an "Octiotride Injection" costing Rs. xxxxx and advised to continue the same injection every month. Next shot of the injection is due on 8^th of next month. We have been waiting to meet Dr Gangadharan from morning and we were able to meet him by night only. It was late when we reached back home from the hospital, it was around 10:30 pm. Sudhimon, Kunjumon (both are my uncles), Sushama (my mother) and Arun was there to take care of me, late to the night also they stood beside me. May God Bless All Of Them..."

That was my father, he was never a inveterate dairy writer, but at times he used to scribble in his diary small descriptions which would usually end in few sentences about events or incidents which have touched his heart or made an impact on him. In spite of the excruciating pain which he was suffering with, in spite of all the uncertainties about his health condition, in spite of being haunted by the disturbing information about the characteristics and stage of his disease - Carcinoid Tumer with Liver Metastasis, he was praying to Almighty not for him but for us, the people around him, the family. And he was always like that, he prayed and lived for us, he made his sacrifices quietly. Through his words and deeds, he spread happiness around, he always kept our spirits high, he made us smile with the heart and made our faces bright. He never boasted about his achievements in different phases of his life, he always kept his celebrations simple and also his wants to mere possible level. Now looking back, we, the family can understand how safe he has made us, through his unceasing and intensive hard work, with the magnitude of his eminent sacrifices and with blessings through his prayers. While at Amrita Institute of Medical Sciences, before being shifted to Lakeshore Hospital, a night when he was shaken off with distinctive difficulties of his disease, it was decided to shift him to ICU as per Doctor's advice. I was holding him while he was on the bed before being laid onto the stretcher to shift him to ICU and he said to me "Arun, take good care of your mother and sister". That's how my father was; he always placed us before his life. Later that day I was allowed to be with him inside the ICU for few minutes, even being inside the ICU, undergoing the intensive treatment, he was worried about my mother. He overheard from the conversation inside the ICU between nurses that outside someone is injured falling down, thinking it was my mother who was injured he was asking the nurse taking care of him about it constantly till I assured him that it’s not she who is hurt. His agony & distress cannot make him go down but anything adverse happening to us can easily make him go wreck. Overcoming that phase in the ICU, he was shifted back to his bed. Still he was going through severe pain each day and night, had to even fight the problems of Sodium level going down and Ammonia accumulation. At times when the pain was severe for him to bear he was administered with the pain revilement injections and in the aftereffect of medicines, he slept most of the time for days and nights, even then he had been going through grueling pain. He opened his eyes for sometime whenever he could stress it for and when he does that it was a big relief for us.

While at hospital I never saw my father letting a tear drop roll down from his eyes, even though he was in such an arduous state and soaked with intense pain. Seeing him go through a stage of ordeal like that and his hardships, we all were saddened to the core. It was like someone piercing your live and beating heart with a long sharp nail and a hammer continuously. The patient next to my father's bed said to me once, "Your father is a strong man. I haven't seen him let fall a single drop of tear for these many days. Hold onto your strength; don't cry in-front of him. Your father is a strong man". Neighboring patient used to advice me when I breaks down at some point of time, seeing my father who was my friend, my mentor, my critic, my supporter, my motivator, my teacher, my life, my earth, my sky, my sun, my star, my world, my heaven, my ultimate resort and my God lays in a hospital bed in such a plight. At Amrita Institute of Medical Sciences, each time when I met the Doctors either when they made their rounds or when I met them privately in their consulting room, they used to say, "You know, your father's situation is bad and he is in a terminal stage". Every day it was the same message from the Doctors, it never changed even though we all wished and prayed for it with all our heart. After a long and close to 5 weeks struggle, we later got discharged from Amrita Institute of Medical Sciences. But the very next day evening my father again had serious problems and we took him to the Lakeshore Hospital, Cochin and got admitted in there. Doctors at Lakeshore hospital were also not confident about father's condition; they too said me that the situation is bad. They said that considering the character, nature and specific features of his disease, the treatment which was already done at Amrita Institute of Medical Sciences is what they could also do. The Doctors at Lakeshore Hospital worked with objectives of stabilizing the health condition of my father and also subsequently improving the same as much they could with their efforts. They also administered continuous palliative care support for him. On the second day of getting admitted at Lakeshore Hospital Dr. Gangadharan came in for rounds and checked up my father, he had told me directly after his initial diagnosis itself that, father's health condition is bad and they could not do anything aggressive on such a stage. Dr. Gangadharan was a righteous person, he never gave fake promises, he was true to the patient and also to the people who trusted him. Later when got discharged from Lakeshore Hospital for the first time after close to 10 days treatment, there was miles improvement in my father's health condition, he started to talk again, he started to move and walk few steps inside the house, he watched TV and spend some valuable and memorable time with us. Even though my father and we had to go through different short and long cycles of admissions and discharge at Lakeshore hospital later to that, there was improvement in his health when compared to days he had to go through at Amrita Hospital. Even though there were days and nights of difficulties in between, he started to make us smile again, gave us hope and bits of happiness. Together with him, we had the family lunch for last Onam, adding few more precious moments to our wall of memories, with my ever loving “Achan”. 

It was when I was doing my plus 1 or plus 2 grade, my father was diagnosed with a strange case of liver Carcinoid tumor. One of the Doctors who came along with a group for a trip in our boat, during a break day of the medical conference held at Cochin advised my father to do a detailed scanning. Doctor recommended for it as he grew suspicious about the external symptoms while they interacted, which the Doctor was able to analyze as he was a reputed Gastroenterologist. Even though it was detected in the year 2002, 11 years back, the root of the disease had grown by then and already made its grip. Complete or perfect remedy for the same condition was not offered even by the top notch hospital in Cochin then. The only treatment which they could offer was, doing the embloization treatment, curbing the natural growth of the tumor further down than its actual time and pace. Without letting me, my little sister and most of my family members knowing about the disease and its condition, it was a big battle fought by my mother and my father together. They stood together and fought it, backed by the strength of their sacred relationship, immense amount of love, faith and compassion they had for each other. All I knew initially was, "everything is not alright" and later one night my mother gave me a picture about it, what my dear father was going through. And from that moment onwards my life and world around me had changed, it changed forever. My father's condition became a main point which influenced, governed and directed our lives after that. At the back of our minds, there was always a hard feeling; there was always a piercing pain. Over the course of time there were changes in terms of my character and in the way I carried myself as a result of my realization about father's impasse. My father was my strength, my courage and my happiness, the awareness about his disease and how bad it could be, created a hole right at the centre of my heart and slowly it got filled in with fear of uncertainty and insecurity, along with constant strenuous pain inside my heart. Some of my very close friends had said to me at occasions that I had changed a lot, that my vibrancy factor was slowly fading and I was stepping back at occasions from all sorts of stuff which we friends were into, and there was also shades of fear in my deeds, I was playing safe on occasions wherein I didn't mind taking risk or being adventurous before, and it carried along. I never told any of them that there is a specific personal reason, and when it was unavoidable for me to open up, I just tried to give my friends a hint, that's all, I never crossed the limit when it came to giving away the information, until the last few months of my father.

It is not an embellishing statement, but I am saying this right from my heart with all the truthfulness and love that which I had, still has and always will have for my father, “that I am blessed to be his son”. He was (still is and always will be) my strength and my weakness, my love and my pain, my happiness and my blood, my world and my life, my real mentor and my teacher, my critic and my praiser, he is my icon and my hero, my friend and my everything. His care and his love was peerless, and I am so sure that no one in this world could ever give me that love and care, I am so sure that I am not going get the same feeling and emotions ever in my life further. He guided and oriented me with his lessons and his experiences, but he never pushed me to adhere to anything or take something which I didn't like. He filled his days with hard-work and sacrifices; he brought back home love, happiness, peace and life for the family. He understood my emotions, desires and he realized my needs time to time, he fulfilled all most all of them, and for the ones which he was not able to deliver or complete, he was planning and working hard each day. He never denied my freedom and blocked me from following my passion; he supported me always and helped me to push through. He was always the first one to realize whenever I made a mistake, when I was broken, when I had failed, when my eyes turn wet. He always tried to cheer me up with his words and deeds; he sat with me and made me understand where I made the mistake. Last year when I was going through a real tough time during the phase of my career transition from last organization, it was the care, support, confidence and love of my parents made me overcome the phase successfully. They gave me courage, confidence, and all the time in the world, they did it all to make me feel good, challenge the situation and get over it. When people started to cover their selfish mistakes, when the trusted faces turned to be just spectators in the crowd, when it was realized that smiles cherished were fake ones and I was all alone; when my consciousness told me that help messages which I heard was not real, the doors were closing in on me and I was in complete darkness; It was my parents who lit the light for me, they gave me the strength, support and helped me to get through the arduous facet, there was absolutely no one else than my parents and very few of my close friends; whom I keep close to my heart, then, now and for always. 

I used to lie beside my father cuddling him tight, keeping my chest close to his back and I have never found such a comfort, peace and joy anywhere else. The warmth of his body, the radiance of his care, song of his heart beat, rhythm of his breath, purity of his love, strength of his affection and the protection of his ubiety, it was truly a bliss. I did that whenever it was possible, most of evenings after office even when he was bed ridden. It was my heaven, and the only place in this world where I found peace, bits of happiness and love together.

He was always connected with people, and there were many to whom he was closely associated with, many of those friendships and relationships were really close to his heart. Even though we were into such a small and humble business, from the business circle and from the social life he had many friends who considered him as an important person or a special friend. When I stepped into his place now to look after the business and getting myself connected with these people in his circle of business and social phases, my pride of being his son is getting intensified. People coming to me and telling me about the help my father had done for people in need with all the emotions following in, initiatives and actions which he has taken for the development of tourist boat industry in Cochin based at Sealord Jetty from a humble beginning with just one or two boats as a simple family business, the charities he has extended in his own humble way, the lives has touched with his words and his actions. He had strong connections with the people, from officials of Cochin Port Trust to daily laborers working in those boats running in Cochin Lake. Everyone had only good words to say about him, people with whom he had small conflicts related to business also came to me and said, “your father was always right, he never cared for his individual gain but he stood and said for the rest, yes we had conflicts of interest as we were self centered in our business individually but he was always took care of whole tourist boat business fraternity with his stands”. I have noticed during my earlier visits to Sealord jetty, when it came across, he found time to talk with a small boy who was selling ground nuts in small packets, walking around the Marine Drive. Something in that boy’s story had caught him and they shared a good bonding. This boy is actually from Thirunelveli �" Tamil Nadu and the boy was at his native place when my father passed away. I met him after around 20 days of his demise, and I asked him “do you know me?” He was not able to recognize me, and then I showed him my father’s picture kept in my wallet and said him I am his son. Suddenly his eyes changed with affection and he said after looking at my father’s picture, “He was a real nice person, he always had a smile for me and we talked most of the days. He used to ask me about my family and personal things. He never considered me as a simple ground nut seller, he was a father figure. I never knew that you were his son. He was a great man”

Few weeks back before his demise when he was at home, on one of those occasions when his friends visited him, one of them said to my father, “there lies a lot of hard work and sacrifice from Raju for development of Cochin tourist boat industry centered at Sealord Jetty & Marine Drive, there was no jetty or anything before and there were only few boats which could be counted by fingers and it was with your efforts, the industry started to grow and develop”. But the other friend (who is actually my friend’s father) said, “Yes but it was Sakthi (my father’s immediate brother) who diverted the boat business to tourism. Even before us having the Sealord jetty, Sakthi used to sit under trees at Marine Drive to save him from the sun and the rain, he canvassed individuals, companies and tourists; that was how the industry got started”. Without wasting a second, my father extended and held the hands of his friend and said. “Yes, you are absolutely right. It was him my brother, Sakthi who started the whole thing”. He was so happy at that point of time, he really and deeply missed his two elder brothers who left him for heaven. He badly missed his father too; he always took and kept all of them in his heart. When his elder brother “Mani” passed away, in his remembrance, the name of family boat business was changed to “Mani Brothers” by my father and my his immediate brother. To pay respect to his father, he introduced a new logo for our boat, a lifebuoy with initials PVR at the centre. When there were bitter experiences, like the people whom he brought into the business had cheated or ditched him or when the people whom he had given a job and a source of income had behaved in negative ways, even though he was shaken he kept all those feelings and emotions inside and within his heart. He forgave many, even though he was deeply hurt. He believed and followed deep personal relationships which made him get emotional at times when the other person was going through a bad time, the bonding which he had with my mother’s father was a one like that, as he lost his father when he was running in his youth phase, he gave all the love and respect which he had for his father to my mother’s father. I saw his eyes getting filled and tears rolling down through the corner of his eyes, once when he heard that father-in-law had met with a household accident and injured.

The legacy of temple connection started with his father and had continued through his brothers and also with him. He was always there for Ponjikkara Sree Ayyappa Temple, in the night and in the day, in the sun and in the rain, in the bad time and in the good time, when he was strong and when he was weak, when he was healthy and when he was bed ridden. Ponjikkara Sree Ayyappa Temple was always in his heart, he gave it all that he had and could spare for the temple with his energy, with his hard work and also with contributions. Even though his health was deteriorating badly for the last one year or so, he never excused himself from the responsibilities of the temple and carried out his duties and responsibilities the best way which he could. It was his words which described Almighty to me, it was through his eyes I saw the divine picture of God and it was through his sacred love I realized that “real God is real love”. He believed that God is the ultimate power which is reflected from our inner selves, he taught to make my heart as clear as I could make it, so that the reflection is more clear and perfectly visible.

For the last time when he was admitted in hospital, my father was totally in a different state, he was gradually becoming stale and was suffering with slight breathing difficulties. The day before he passed away I was sitting beside him, holding his nebulizar mask in position. He didn't like the nebulizar mask placed onto his face, he was irritated, disturbed and distracted by the mask and he always tried to pull it away. Taking our turns me, mother, my sister and my uncle sat beside him holding the mask gently onto his face, placing it above his nose and mouth. At times when he amasses some level of strength he used to pull away the mask from his face. With all the love we had inside, we interrupted and stopped him whenever he pulled the nebulizar mask away and we kept it back to the position. Continuous course of injection drips was administrated for him by the Doctors, when one bottle gets empty the next one was hooked within a short interval. One of those moments, he indicated me to come closer heaving his head and neck from the pillow beneath, even though I was sitting beside him. Baffled, I moved my head over to his face and simultaneously he also raised his head and part of his upper body as much as he could from his bed, his left hand to which the drip injection tube was connected was also in a raised position. His position made me understand that I should bring my head a bit more down and I did it. Then happened something which I have never expected in his such state, I consider it as a wonder and a bliss which could ever happen in my life. Even though he was suffering with in-explainable and shrilling pain, and going through all those disturbances and difficulties, he kissed me just above my forehead. It took me few seconds to realize what  my father had just done, emotions started flowing in me, that kiss on my forehead from my father is the biggest and greatest blessing which I could ever get, with that single kiss he said all those unspoken stories and advises which he had for me, he made me understand how important and valuable I am to him, he lifted me up to show his ocean of love for me. I smiled at him back and I thanked Almighty for giving such a life, and for the opportunity of being the son of such a great father. I felt the God's touch....

One thing I never realized was that, he was kissing me good-bye. Sometime later that day, he told me and my sister that he is just going somewhere. Mother, sister and me standing next to his bed, pleaded father not to say anything like that and said him we want him back for rest of our lives. For sometime at night that day and next day early morning, he breathed gently and calmly without the help support of artificial oxygen. He was given sacred water of Lord Siva temple which my sister had brought in. We were keeping an eye on his oxygen saturation level, it was OK most of time and not showed much of a dip. Later both oxygen and the nebulizer was administered back again, and there was no wrong signs or indications. By afternoon the same day my father started his journey back to God's lap, as like in most of the occasions when he was going through deep pain, he didn't let any of us know about it, he didn't utter a word or shed a tear. He just went back.....

He lived for all of us - the family; he sacrificed his time for all of us, he shared his love for all of us, he prayed for all of us, he blessed all of us and he went back. He joined his father and his two elder brothers in haven, whom he must have been missing so badly..... God has been so kind to me, blessing me as my father's son and now its my time to pay the tribute, And my life is my tribute to my father....

I would like to express our sincere gratitude on behalf of my family and myself to all those kind ones who had prayed for my father and who had helped us when we were saddened by the deep grief of his separation. I would like to thank my father's friends and his business associates for their help, support and visits made to both at hospital and to our home, your visits were a great encouragement for him to get back to life. I would like to thank Doctors of Amrita Institute Of Medical Sciences who have treated my father, the staffs, brothers and nurses of Amrita Institute Of Medical Sciences, especially my friend Sarath's little sister Mrs. Sharmila, "you been a great help and you treated my father like yours". I express our heartfelt gratitude to Dr. Gangadharan, Dr. Arun Warrier and Dr. Anupama and to their team at Lakeshore Hospital, we know you did your best and your efforts helped us to get my father's time extended for few more months, so that we could add some more cherished moments in life with him. I owe my organization, my reporting officer and my colleagues for helping me with words, work support and leave days for taking care of my father. Many thanks to Private Boat Owners Association & Labour Union of Sealord Jetty and to Committee of Ponjikkara Sree Ayyappan Kovil . I sincerely thank all those who have helped me and our family with their heartfelt words of condolences. Dear relatives, my friends, my last office-colleagues, your presence and words were a big relief.

I would like to present my sincere indebtedness in the pellucid form right from my heart to those friends who had stood by me sacrificing their personal matters and even job for helping me every time when my father had to be taken to and discharged from the hospital (you all cared and carried him a lot; thanks), for making many visits to the hospital and to my home. Running around and helping me days and nights during the intermittent hospital phases, at the day of his demise and also for further days of rituals, you all have been a great help as my brothers. I am not naming you all personally, I know what you people have done for me and my family..... I always owe you brothers.

Achaa....

Things are not the same and right ever since you have left us, you know I am not that strong and adept to run the family. I know you had to go and I knew you will be going one day, but I never expected it to happen too soon. I was wishing and praying for few more years of happiness with you. Living in your anamnesis, we miss you and we miss everything you did. My days are not bright and nights are not colorful anymore, everything you said about life was true, slowly stepping into your shoes I now understand how much you sacrificed and how great was your hard-work. I miss you at our home, in our boats, in the temple and everywhere, evenings when I am home, at times I think “it's time for you to come back home”. Pain of missing you pierces my heart, it could be small compared to the real pain you had suffered. But I want that pain to be there inside my heart, now and forever. I miss you calling my name loudly, I miss hugging you, I miss you nagging me for real and for fun, I miss you in all the ways. Being besides your father and brothers in heaven, I pray you to guide me with your eternal love and care. I am your boy always and my life is my tribute for you..... Love

Author's Note

Thanks for reading. God Bless :)