Once upon a time,
there was a boy.
His name was armin,
not rich as king.
He was leading a lonely life,
no happiness no joy.
He worked in a palace,
handling a Troy.
He used to measure treasure weights,
was faithful to his duty.
Music was his passion,
and was a big foodie.
And after some days,
he fell in love.
Girl of his dreams,
princess of the same kingdom.
She was made of Gold,
had beauty and fame.
Strong as titanium,
Taylor was her name.
Now overcoming his fear,
armin ran towards her.
Breaking his silence,
said 'I love you' my dear.
She kept standing still,
and was surprised listening to that.
But she offered him a deal,
you have to impress my dad.
you'll have to stand on his behalf,
fight like a warrior.
Have to win a war,
then you'll be my dearer.
Armin commanded in loud,
my love is truly abound.
Am all ready to give my best,
my love is muchly blessed.
Playing on my life,
I'll defeat every opponent.
Will strive till I last,
making you all important.
The sun has risen in its own glory,
birds were flying so blissfully.
Armin was about to take on the battlefield,
and God was blessing his victory.
He fought bravely like Tiger,
leading the army.
Winning at the end,
he praised his destiny.
He shouted joyfully,
celebrating his great victory.
'Armin armin' all around,
he really created a history.
This was a happy end,
Armin got his fairy.
Taylor found her charming prince,
this was simply my 'Love Story'.
Amazing use of description.
"The sun has risen in its own glory,
birds were flying so blissfully.
Armin was about to take on the battlefield,
and God was blessing his victory.
He fought bravely like Tiger,
leading the army.
Winning at the end,
he praised his destiny. "
The above lines could stand alone. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote
There's nothing to compare with a good love story with a happy ending ... Sadly, life is not always so gracious to us each, but I am pleased to see that it worked well for your two lovers ...
Sounds like a fairy tale; that's a good thing, that you've approached that effect. Everybody likes a happy ending. Personally, not my style of writing, but I like reading it. It read smoothly. I honestly enjoyed it. You need some tweaking in your language and grammar though. Awesome job.
Amazing metaphor, first of all! Yep, love is a battle. I really like this love story. My only suggestion would be to change the last line of the 4th stanza, as that line sounds a little forced. Maybe try "Then we'll make it through, my dear".. this is just a suggestion, and the decision of course is yours! :) :)
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Naomi, I used the word 'dear' in third stanza so I can't repeat it in the fourth one. Second reason .. read moreNaomi, I used the word 'dear' in third stanza so I can't repeat it in the fourth one. Second reason is that the tale is rhyming alternate lines, so dearer will rhyme the word warrior. Third reason is so simple she offered him to fight a war and if he wins it, he will be her dearer much more than dear.
Your line "Then we'll make it through,
my dear" is also good either. But before the war she can't greet him saying 'my dear' ,he was not her dear before the battle held. Thanks.
an interesting piece....reminds me of how emily dickinson had fantasy lovers and wrote poems about and to them. and i also like the respectfulness of the admiration.
there is much respect for the above generation here, which is a relief, though it's a complex balancing act, our elders we respect sure
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Laura ,what are you talking about, you reviewed the poem Love story and you saying of respect, gener.. read moreLaura ,what are you talking about, you reviewed the poem Love story and you saying of respect, generation. Could you enlighten your review please.
"she offered him a deal,/you have to impress my dad." I hadn't thought of that, that's a great idea,.. read more"she offered him a deal,/you have to impress my dad." I hadn't thought of that, that's a great idea, though I guess at certain points we think of that, but this is a more appropriate time, in the story, where the character first puts that up right away as the challenge, though every father different
9 Years Ago
now got it, thanks Laura you liked the idea. I appreciate your read and comments.