Unexpected I

Chapter 1

  Oh no, it was already eight. That was the first thought that came to my mind when I looked at the clock in the railway station. I had already missed the train and now very soon, the last bus to leave the city would depart as well. "cat, mingle bat, cherry tree, sunny sky" I kept repeating these words so I wouldn't get a panic attack. I kept repeating them over and over until my breathing returned to normal, and I could finally think again. well more clearly then before I mean.

   Oh man, I've really screwed up big this time. Tomorrow is my sister's wedding rehearsal and I just missed the last train to Carney, no wait correction, the only train to Carney. In case you're wondering where on Earth that is, it's a village in Menominee County of the U.S. state of Michigan, with a population of merely 225. Leave it to my sister to find the perfectly hidden place for her wedding . I'm not saying I'm not happy for her, of course I am, but being the uniquely weird person that she is, she chose a village called Carney which is more than a thousand miles away from Houston. All of our family members and distant relatives had already arrived there last week by air. That leaves me, I guess there's nothing I can do.

    Honestly, it's not even my fault. I mean it's not my problem that my autocratic boss didn't give me a leave for my sister's wedding, I had quit my job. All thanks to my sister, who would just not listen to any excuse, her emotional blackmailing was one of the reasons why I took such a drastic measure. Besides, I was also getting sick of that job, I was working part time in an architectural firm while studying in Texas A &M university. But my semester had just ended and I had holidays, so I was really hyped up about my sister's wedding.

"Hey listen..." some one asked me. I jumped back startled and looked up. 

It was a guy who looked like he was eighteen, had black hair with blue highlights and bangs that perfectly fell above his eyes. He had the most gorgeous blue eyes I had ever seen, a mixture of navy blue and gray. Wearing a black cap under his grey hoodie and black baggie jeans, he had the typical skater boy look.

"Yeah?"

"I think this belongs to you"

He handed me something that looked like a small black diary. 

.....


to be continued

Reviews

[Megan S.]

Okay, so I'm going to review by chapter so I can keep everything straight. I'll give every chapter a review consisting of three parts- What to work on: this is where I'll tell you what I thought needed the most work, What I liked: this is simply what the title implies, and then Favorite line: this is where I pick out my favorite line and tell you why I like it.

What to Work On:

I felt this read like a school paper in some places. Especially when you were describing the boy because it’s like you stated all his looks. You didn’t weave them into the story. My suggestion is that you go pick up your favorite book and look at you find out what the characters look like. I bet you’ll find that it’s woven in instead of just saying his eyes were _____ and his hair was____. I’m not saying you did a bad job, I just think it needs a little work to be great.

What I Liked:

I liked the beginning of the story. I could tell she was upset, but I have to say I also like how you described the sister. The story isn’t way out there or over-exaggerated in the reality scenes. I’m not sure if this is going to turn into a fantasy or not. Can’t wait to find out! I like Alex, as a character Alex really works out, the reactions… entirely great on that count!

Favorite Line:

“Leave it to my sister to find the perfectly hidden place for her wedding.” I loved this line simply because it made me smile. I know that when I get married that’s going to be me, so I connected pretty well since that’s probably how my family will feel.

Okay, so, I can’t wait to go onto the next chapter!

[MichelleClay]

You have a very relaxed feel to your writing and I like how you talk to the reader
“In case you're wondering where on Earth that is, it's a village in Menomine County of the U.S”
You have a light hearted humour - when you describe your sister being weird and picking a wedding venue in the middle of nowhere, which allows the reader to bond with your character. You also leave just enough questions unanswered about the black book that has made me want to read on. Great start I really liked this.

[trainwreck]

Good and interesting opening. You may want to do general grammar cleanup, but I'm fairly certain the others in the group will be able to correct that. I look forward to reading more.

[Erinne S.]

I think this was a great start. I agree with all the reviews given already and I don't want to repeat what needs fixed, because everything I could spot was already mentioned in other reviews. The plot of the story is intriguing and the introduction to your characters was well done. I hope to get more of a description for your main character, but I' sure I'll get that in future chapters. I'm off to read some more!

~Erinne

[Forest Green]

Nice beginning; plot and subplot presented in a compelling fashion. Good descriptions without being wordy.

Very well done...

[Cara Rosalie]

Hi there!

This is a great first chapter. The setting is given, the characters are introduced, the purpose of her journey is stated. I felt you laid a good foundation for what's to come.

Please know that I am no grammar expert; however, there are a few areas that would do well to be cleaned up. "That leaves me, I guess there's nothing I can do." There should be a period after me. The line "well more clearly then before" What I like to use when I am continuing a thought, is one of these --
So the sentence would read "I kept repeating them over and over until my breathing returned to normal, and I could finally think again -- well, more clearly than before, I mean." I believe you mixed up your than for a then. I could be wrong.
I enjoyed the main character's voice. I felt as if I was being talked to, versus being talked at. Already I can tell that she is a little dry and sarcastic. There is an easiness to the banter that makes you feel as if you already know her. Most importantly, I am interested! You leave the chapter at a great place. I am very curious about this boy and how he might come to be important to your protagonist. :)

Thank you for allowing me to read and review!

[Mikel]

First of I need to let you know, there are no trains to Carney. There are no trains anywhere in Upper Michigan any more. You don't fly there either. The closest airport what someone from Houston would come in at would be Escanaba in Delta county. Then it would be a puddle jump flight from Green Bay or Milwaukee, WI. The only way she could get there would be to drive, herself. She could take a greyhound bus, but the closest she could get to Carney would be Menominee itself. From there she would have to either be picked up or rent a car. I suspect there isn't even mail delivery in Carney. Most of the small towns up here require the locals to ge to the post office to pick up their mail. Only the large towns have actual delivery. Upper Michigan is NOT typical rural small town America. If you need your story to work this way, I'd pick another place. Other than that, the story has a nice start. I like how you have the panic attack, my daughter gets those, so I'm familiar with them. Other than that, the story sounds interesting.