Unexpected III

read it to find out =))

III

Reviews

[Megan S.]

What to Work On:

This chapter just felt… Stilted I guess? It’s somehow felt like you were trying too hard. The death came too soon at too convenient a time for me. Why not make her wait a bit longer or go through something that got her really upset only to find out, oops, postponed wedding. That’s probably a biased opinion for the fact that I know what some people’s writing sound like when they’re trying to think of a new chapter, but anywho, that’s basically my only issue with this.

What I Liked:

I liked this, but because of the stilted air I caught from it, this section won’t be as long as it has been in the past two chapters. I liked the fact that she yelled at the guy behind the counter, it made me smile because, I mean, really? Who hasn’t wanted to scream at people behind a counter at some time or another, and I liked the very last line in that chapter for the simple fact that I could almost feel her smiling in it. Go you!

Favorite Line:

“Maybe he was used to dealing with frantic and panicking people.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know! I just was excited about how she yelled at him, but still, these people who maintain their cool even when someone is screaming at them? They deserve a metal!

Okay, I’m seriously contemplating reading the next chapter right now! I must know what happens next!

[trainwreck]

Who is Sean? that was a bit unclear to me, but other than that this and the previous chapters interested me more. Definitely work on your commas; you should place more throughout the story.

[Erinne S.]

I liked this chapter! It flowed well I believe and you added some drama to the piece. I also enjoyed her rant to the guy across the counter. That for me was a great part. With the uncle dying... I believe you should have drawn it out more. It all happened so suddenly... but I guess death does happen suddenly. I feel bad for all the people that traveled from afar to the wedding and now have to turn around and go home.
Anyway, great chapter and I'm on to the next.

~Erinne

[Mikel]

This chapter is better. It flows smoother and it seems like you are picking up a rhythmn to your writing. Ok the only real flaw I see in this chapter is the cancellation of the wedding. It was suppossed to be the next day. People have arrived from god knows where to this incredibly isolated place in Michigan and they are going to tell them to go home for two weeks? I even live in Michigan and I wouldn't do that trip twice. Even if he was a favorite uncle, I feel there's to many ducks in a row to stop now. To make this more realistic, and get the wedding actually cancelled, I'd pick on the groom's Mom or Dad. An uncle just doesn't seem like quite enough. Again, no flights out of Carney to go to Ohio.

[Jim Parson]

The pink print is REALLY hard to read, especially when your eyes are as old as mine!

AHA! So she is a girl! I doubt her sister would have a male bridesmaid or that the ticket dude would call a guy "miss". I like this chapter better. It moved nicely and had a bit of drama. Still wish you'd use the real quotation marks though!

Another plot line that didn't work for me. It sounds good on paper, but in actuality, you can't possible get from Houston to Michigan on a train without going through all those states. If she hadn't missed the train, she still would have been going through all of them. Unless she's in a plane, there's no other possible way to do it. It takes the believability away from her rant. I like a rant there though, so maybe a rant about them not having any trains until morning, or something like that?