Humans? Duh!

Written in Centoorian Translated by ArK

     "Hey Cap, where should we go from here?" asked the blue-skinned Centoorian who had his two hands clutched to the steering wheel while the other two hands scratched his butt. From the look of it, he was driving that big spaceship floating in the nothingness of the interstellar space. His single eye which was shooting directly upwards turned towards the captain.

     "What's around Bibbi?" asked the other guy in the control room, who looked oddly serious for his physique. With his greenish-blue skin tone and big bulging eyes, he looked like a funny cartoonish figure. Unlike Bibbi, Cap had 2 eyes instead of one and all his 4 hands were free of any types of equipment.

     "If we go straight, we'll reach the center of this galaxy in around 125000 years."

     "I guess that's too long. I promised to my wife I'll be back in 100000 years."

     "To our right, we have the Alnilak and Sirius within 10 lys. To our left, we have the sun, Alpha Centauri..."

     "Wait... You mean the Sun?"

     Bibbi nodded in agreement.

     "That's where the earth is. Oh god, why am I stuck in this part of the universe?!"

     "Have you been there before? Looks like you have!" asked Bibbi, surprised by the sudden recognition in his captain's voice.

     "Yes, a while ago. If my memory is correct it was before 200 million years. Those dumb a*s dinosaurs were there, I remember. Have you ever seen a dinosaur, at least a picture of them? They were huge, majestic creatures, but dumb. They fell for our trap. They ate our bioweapons and killed themselves, dumb giants! You know, the earth was a real beauty then. Even after we looted the resources we need from her, she still had a lot left. That time we didn't have this nano compression technology. So we didn't have the capacity to carry all her things and had to leave her half alive. I knew life would again thrive on that cosmic island. And it did."

     "Again dinosaurs?"

     "Actually, I hoped for something bigger. But came humans, smaller than the dinosaur's weenies."

     Bibbo laughed and commented: "What a shame!"

     "No, in fact. They might be small, but better than any other animal that walked on earth, intelligence-wise. They have made cities, buildings, vehicles and even spaceships, though they use it only for short trips."

     "So that means there're resources left even now. Should I direct the ship towards the earth?"

     "Bibbo, whatever you do, don't turn that goddamn steering wheel to the left." Cap raised his sound.

     His voice was too loud that the decibel sensor in the control room started to ring double the loudness with the red light coming off on beats.

     "Oh f**k it, it's me, the captain of this ship. When will they install a voice recognition system in this piece of relic?" The captain shouted with anger topping to the tip of his oddly angled head.

     Bibbo, having previous knowledge on the Cap's anger, hurried to turn the alarm off.

     "This might be a good time to hit a strike on earth, Cap. I can't see why you're saying 'No' to that." Bibbo commented.

     "That's because you only have one f*****g eye, Bibbo."

     Bibbo tightened his grip on the steering wheel in embarrassment. His other two hands caressed his only eye like the eye itself had a personality.

     "Do you think their technologies that still remaining in a cradle can resist an attack from our side? Are you afraid of the so-called humans?" Asked Bibbo, with shame and a little bit of anger reflecting on his voice.

     "Humans? Duh!" The captain said with disgust in his face while equally copying it on his voice and continued:
     "I didn't say 'No' to the attack because I'm afraid of those little pricks. It's because I think it'll be a waste of our resources. You see, our aim is to take over their planet by killing them all. But in my opinion, they are doing it fairly well by themselves."

     "Doing what? Taking over their own planet?" Asked Bibbo, seriously confused this time.

     "No stonehead, killing each other. They are doing a good job on that, and they don't need our help either. So why waste our weapons when we can be the latecomers and have the party's leftovers?"

     "I'm not sure that's a good idea. But it's not a bad idea either."

     "I know. I too have doubts on what would be left on the earth after the last human goes to sand. I'm not expecting much, because they have already eaten up her half. It's like those dumb heads are raping her, each country competing on how hard they can rape their land. Would be a fun sport to play in hell."

     "These humans really sound dumber than those dinosaurs."

     "That's why I said they're only better intelligence-wise."

     Bibbo nodded understandingly. The captain continued.

     "They're making the planet uninhabitable. Sometime soon they have to leave that planet either as a soul or in a spaceship searching for other planets to land. I don't think those humans understand this."

     "Isn't it the same thing we're doing here?" a question came to Bibbo's green head but kept it between his lips.

     The captain threw his look away into the frequently interrupted darkness offered by the emptiness of space and continued:
     "Bibbo, do you remember Centoora-A, our first home?"

     "No Cap. I was born after my mom and dad moved to planet C."

     "It was beautiful, just like the earth! I would say you are unfortunate to not have witnessed that beauty... What's now happening to the Earth happened to Centoora 200 million years ago. These humans I'm talking about are the Centoorians in the past."

      Bibbo was getting uncomfortable with every word. History was never his favorite subject. He had to take the conversation to a close so that he can let go of all those memories of his history classes and scratch his butt freely. The itching had been ever increasing.

     "Cap, what are you suggesting me to do?"

     "I say we'll wait, won't take much time I believe. Let them have the fun of destroying the planet because they won't get to do it again, you know. Meanwhile, we'll look for other planets with unintelligent life."

     "Seems like a good plan to me. So, straight or right?"

     "I suggest you go straight towards the center of the galaxy. Hopefully, we'll come across another group of dumbass dinosaurs."

Reviews

[Anjali]

Though I'm not a big fan of the sci-fi related to extraterrestrial life. I found this piece worth reading.

[barleygirl]

Delicious satire with a snappy edge of vulgarity. Satire is a good way to deal with the total outrage of what's being inflicted on our planet (or any number of other outrages across the planet, as well). The best satire is done when realistic scenarios are pumped up to the cusp of ridiculousness, which you've done with much imagination. There are a few grammatical bumps, but nothing distracting. I hooted out loud when I got to your first reference to those dumb-a*s dinosaurs. Those various lines are laced with such attitude, literally dripping! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[The ArK]

Dear Margie, thanks for your review. I'm glad you liked it.
Btw, can you specify the grammatical errors you mentioned about? I would really like to improve on my grammar.

[barleygirl]

Paragraph2: numbers smaller than a hundred are typically spelled out in letters.

P4: Promised my wife (delete "to")
P5: I would spell out "lightyears" (not abbreviate)

P10: "it was before 200 million years" . . .
suggest: "it was prior to two hundred million years ago"

P10: "we looted the resources we need"
suggest: "needed" (both verbs past tense)

P14: "spaceships, though they use it only"
suggest: "them" (not "it" -- noun & pronoun both plural)

P17: "too loud that the decibel sensor"
suggest: "so" (not "that")

P23: "technologies that still remaining"
suggest: "that still remain" OR delete "that"

5 paragraphs from end: "He had to take the conversation to a close"
suggest: "he had to close the conversation"

[The ArK]

Oh, that's a handful :)
Thank you very much Margie. I will definitely try to improve my grammar.