Friendly Lass

 

 

 

 

 

 ______________________

I strolled aside the storming sea.

Waves cascading by the shore.

Dreamed a dream that could not be.

Said they to me dream no more.

_______________________________ 

I screamed at heaven "I'll sail the sea".

"To the lands from where you came".

"Ocean breezes shall blow from me".

"The memory of your name".

 _______________________________

But stubborn was my imagination.

Tried to quell my aching heart.

Instead it brought you from creation.

And then my life it would start.

________________________________ 

You would love the whole of me.

With all I am you're seeing.

Love who I am before thee.

Care for me in all my being.

 ________________________________

I want to die while you love me.

When yet you’d hold me fair.

While laughter is within thee.

Lights twinkling in the night air.

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Reviews

[Charles]

I like this style of writing from your hand... easy to read and on a subject that I focus on quite a bit. At the very beginning, I wonder whether beside is a better word than aside - just a question. The first stanza (which I like a lot, by the way) illustrates something I mentioned in another review: the last line of the stanza has a contrivance (inversion of usual subject-verb sequence): said they to me. Here it is very effective and flows nicely... the masculine sound helps the meter. I wouldn't think the quotation mark and period after me in the second stanza is necessary, but can magine why they're there. The rhyming sequence is good - it depends a lot on a couple of words, but that is hardly noticable. Good work.

[Helpless]

very magical write!

[the_stoic]

you are at your best while writing romantic poems and ones that do deal with love ..
"Dreamed a dream that could not be.
Said they to me dream no more."

going by the tone i feel that the true lover will still go on dreaming .. wonderful

[poetic soul]

I want to die while you love me.
When yet you’d hold me fair.
While laughter is within thee.
Lights twinkling in the night air.

oh so sweet!!!
what more can i say!!!
this is jus so sweet n deep and meaningful and fairytale like!!
nice nice...
liked reading it...
it has a feel good factor!!

:) Smiles,
Krishna

[alison13]

this seems to me more like those classic writings, though without using medievial english. i like it. good job. :)

[Katie]

This is very nice. It almost has a Shakespear feel to it. I would pick my favorite piece, but this entire work is lovely.

[LonelySoul]

this reads like a fairytale,and I wish every life and love could be so complete,
for then there may be peace on earth,in all men,Great and Small...LonelySoul

[Cassandra D.]

This was very beautiful.

[Havatara]

I thought it was lovely. It flowed nice, but the quotation marks in the second stanza were unnecessary. You could have just had:

I screamed at heaven "I'll sail the sea.
To the lands from where you came.
Ocean breezes shall blow from me.
The memory of your name".

Since it's all the same person. And you don't have to have a period at the end of every line! It's distracting, to me at least.
But the imagery was lovely, as always, and I enjoyed reading it.

[The Wave]

Beautiful Imagery!

Another great piece from you. Loved the fantasy aspect to this and the unconditional love it was able to give you.
Great write, Great job.

[Sean M. Addams]

nice job... i thought you did well on this one.... great work!!