Coffee

"Guess you lost me over coffee last Saturday" Short Story Contest

You,

If you are reading this, I have probably already passed. My doctors told me that hope was the only thing keeping me alive. I got your message, calling off lunch; something about work. I could understand that, but I already had planned on going out so I walked down to that bookstore on the corner, right next to the coffee shop. I saw you in there, with her, sipping your latte. Guess you lost me over coffee last Saturday. 

Me

Reviews

[David W Moore III]

I don't get the suicidal thing like E J did. Seems to me, you were saying she had a terrible disease and only her will was keeping her alive. Her lover then skips out on her (does he or is it merely a misunderstanding and appearances are not always what they seem?) When she sees that, she loses her will to live and dies, not as a suicide but as a broken heart. The story could have multiple meanings depending on the lovers motivations. If it was all a misunderstanding then comunication is is the obvious theme. If he truly left her in her time of need then he is obviously a cad. Very provacative for a short piece.

[Dakota]

So easy to die of a broken heart when the body is already weakened. And may the memory of his final treatment of her haunt his sleepless nights to the end of his days! I love it!

[Frank F. Atanacio]

a clever note I like the way this was written very clever

[Brittany W]

Wow, deep stuff here. Even though it may not be personal to you this was amazing, I wish there was more to this, i feel myself wanting to know more, deeper into this persons life, Loved this great great work. I hope you won the contest.

[Miss Coral]

I would try putting more into this, while still remaining consistent. Interesting piece, and well done- I just think that you could clarify some parts and state some more simply. Overall though, this was really well done.
Nice write. :)

-Coral-

[justAnumber]

@Edmund I thought that I was specific enough in the second line, 'My doctors told me that hope was the only thing keeping me alive.' She was not suicidal, but only the hope of her relationship with him was keeping her illness from taking her life. She did not kill herself, nor is she a psycho killer. This was meant to leave some doors open but I believe it to have a little more structure than your criticism credits. I thank you for your critique and am always open to constructive criticism. Thank you all for reading.

[Edmund Jonah]

Here you have written too much and not enough. There are two stories here. A woman dying of some illness and a suicidal woman to boot. Stick to one or the other. As it stands, it seems the story is that a dying woman goes out for a walk after her lover tells he he has a business appointment. She catches sight of him in a restaurant with another woman so goes home, writes a suicide note (the one that tells the story) and kills herself. I don't understand the last line. Clarity, clarity, clarity. That's the most important thing in short shorts. Why not let your imagination run helter-skeleter? Don't weaken you story by having her dying anyway. Let her go home grab a gun and plug the two of them in the restaurant and write a farewell note to the world as she goes to the scaffold or electric chair or gas chamber, whichever. But you sure know how to write a short short that tells a story.

[Kristin Brecoe]

Thanks for the message. I appreciate you being aware of the word limit.

This was still short enough. =]

I like it. It makes me wonder about everything else in this story.