Chapter 1

Darkness had come to the village of Garhkor. It had slowly entered the village from a side-street and spread its dark light to the wide main-street. In no time the darkness had found its way to every single alley and corner of the whole village. But that was 20 years ago and few remembered those days when the sun was shining and laughter could be heard on the streets.

The village was covered in a dark smog when a stranger for the first time set his foot on Blackheart Alley. He entered the village just as unnoticed as the darkness had done years ago. His face was covered by the hood of his long brown leather coat. His hands were cover by thick gauntlets and his feet by heavy boots. In fact he looked like any ordinary stranger walking the streets of Garhkor. Just like another shadow wandering in the grey midday darkness.

An old and dusty sign with the words "Shady Shadows Inn" was hanging above a door at Blackheart Alley. The doorknob was touched by a thick gauntlet and a few seconds later the door was shut behind the shadow of a stranger. A gloomy light filled the thick air of the inn. Some dull voices and faint shadows could be noticed further inside the inn where some locals were hiding their sorrows in huge pints of beer. On the dusty floor a pair of heavy boots moved towards the back corner of the inn where the bartender stood behind an old wooden desk. The bartender looked up on the shadow of the stranger ready to fill another pint when some harsh whispers came from the stranger.

-Tell her I'm here.

The face of the bartender almost turned to stone. His eyes were wide open now but he was almost too scared to open his mouth until he finally uttered the words

-Tell who?

Was it just a coincidence or had the bartender really heard the right words? The secret sentence that he had been waiting for. The next words that hit his ears cleared all doubts.

-Tell the one that is searching.

With quick feet the bartender left the room to do what he was supposed to do. He would not dare to let the stranger wait a minute longer that he had to.

Thick gauntlets picked up a pint and the stranger helped himself to try out the beer of the Shady Shadows Inn. Liquid as dark as the village ran down the stranger's throat. The taste was awful but so were everything else in this shady inn.

 

Reviews

[Lorelee Tate]

An intriguing beginning. I have some suggestions for you, however, that will help to draw in readers even more. I see great potential here, but it needs just a bit of work.

First off, I loved the description of the town and the darkness. It definitely worked to set the mood. However, there were a few things about it that I think could use some fine-tuning. There were a lot of "to be" verbs, i.e. is, was, were, etc. Using these too often makes the writing sound forced. It's fine to slip them in once in a while, but when there's one every sentence it starts to get a little tiring. The same with "to have". Try to think of other ways to describe things. The rest of the language flows very nicely, so I know you'll be able to do it. It just takes a little practice.

On a similar note, I also saw quite a few sentences that were approximately the same length. This also disrupts the flow of normal writing, though it can be effective at times. Try to vary sentence length and sentence structure as much as possible, that way when you need a sequence of simple sentences it becomes more powerful.

Last one! The dreaded passive voice. I only saw it once, but it's an easy thing to miss if one isn't diligent. It was in the sentence, "The doorknob was touched by a thick gauntlet and a few seconds later the door was shut behind the shadow of a stranger." This is an easy thing to fall into with an excess of "to be" verbs. It sounds more natural to say that the thick gauntlet touched the doorknob than the doorknob was touched by it. In this case, the doorknob is the object and is having an action done to it. In an active sentence, the subject, in this case the thick gauntlet, is doing the action to the object. There are times when passive voice can be useful, but in most cases it's better to use active voice.

Still, a very good beginning. I look forward to reading more!

Lora