Headstrong Into The Maelstrom

for months they had sailed toward what no one knew
'til they came upon land to the cheers of the crew
this island, however, in time was unstuck
what fate brought them there was no sort of luck

soon they were drunk on the fog of that land
too soon they forgot what first had been planned
days or years passed, yet no one could tell
save for the captain, who knew they'd found hell

he ordered they leave, but found no support
the mist in their eyes meant their vision was short
he gathered a few who'd not completely been lost
then over the water back to their ship they all crossed

his course had been set, the backwind was steady
despite his fear, which he hid, the captain was ready
the island laid aftward, the unknown ahead
his heart, like the sky, burned a fiery red

...

Reviews

[Falling Leaf.]

...Gorgeous. I love that you can rhyme AND keep up a rhythm. My favorite stanza was the second... and my least favorite line was the second line in the last stanza. I just feel like "which he hid" really throws what you've got going off. I dunno, maybe that's just me, and after all it is your poetry, so who would I be to tell you what to do with it?

Anyway. I really truly applaud you on your writing. This is only the first piece I've read by you, but I can tell you've got a natural talent. All too often I come across poetry where the rhyming is so forced I can't finish the piece... thank you for restoring my faith in rhyming poetry. You can do things that many others--including myself--cannot do. :)

[areawakening]

It's funny that you mentioned that line, because I too have argued with myself about it. Casually reading through this piece, I get caught up on the rhythm there as well, but I promise with a careful look at it you'll see how it's supposed to be read and it sounds much better.

"despite his fear, which he hid, the captain was ready"
Pretend that first comma after "fear" isn't there (because it's there for grammar, not for the flow of the poem). The accents are on the fourth and seventh syllables. Maybe I should just say forget the grammar, it is poetry after all, and rewrite it in a way that helps people to read it more accurately.

Anyway-- thank you for your kind review! This piece isn't finished, yet, but I may come back to it some day soon. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts!

[Falling Leaf.]

Yes I totally agree... ditch the comma... poetry is the rebel of literature. I love it and think you should really finish :)