The Dreamers and the Outsiders

a break-up in a bathroom that leads to so much more

Hey, Ny. I know we haven't talked in a while since that argument. But my life and my personality have changed, and I wanted to talk to you again.

A few months ago, I had one of the best and worst nights of my life- the positivity and negativity happened almost simultaneously. It was a day where I finally stopped thinking about you for over two hours. I no longer felt depressed, or panicked, or rushed to fulfill my life before it ended. 

It began with a break-up in a bathroom.

It was probably- what? Like eleven o'clock at night. i was at a grill/bar with an old friend, and I went into the bathroom to refresh my make-up and possibly take a couple of Tylenol because I was getting awful cramps. I was standing at the sinks, trying to check my eyeliner in the neon lighting, when my phone buzzed in my purse. The whole night, I had been texting back and forth with my boyfriend, Jackson. Oooh, Ny, he was hot. But I'm glad he sent this text, ya know, because it changed my life.

How? Because that a*****e broke up with me over text. 

I read the text, and before I even finished it, I was crying. Now, it's great I was wearing waterproof make-up, because I was bawling in that bathroom. It didn't help that it felt as though my stomach was being torn in two. A few other women walked in and didn't say anything, but I could see them staring at me in the mirror. 

I texted my old friend (her name was Jill, but she isn't very important to this story-sorry Jill), telling her that my cramps were getting the best of me and I had to go home. I also told her I would pay her back the cost of the bill, plus $5 extra. She agreed. 

We had taken an Uber to the restaurant, but I didn't want to be crying in the backseat of someone else's car, so I walked home. What a sight I was, Ny. A young woman with perfect make-up sobbing into her hand, her shoes getting the best of her, so she was walking barefoot on the dirty L.A. sidewalk. What a sorry sight to be had. 

To this day, I have no idea why Jackson broke up with me. I've figured that maybe he was seeing another girl, which explains why he had been absent from my life for the two weeks before he left. Or maybe Jacks had gotten enough of my love for him, maybe he wanted a serious relationship. He always wanted us to sleep together, but I turned him down every time he asked, because I'm scared of a repeat of the incident in high school. Remember that? I still have nightmares about it.

So, anyway, I was walking back to my apartment (which I didn't share with Jacks, thank God), and I heard music. Like, not the kind of music in a bar, where it's blasting so loud you ca't hear yourself think, but not the kind like in a car driving by, either. Following my ears, I turned the corner and - wow! there was an outdoor jazz concert. I had never been to that side of town before, and I had no idea about this- I later learned that it was a weekly occurrence. I guess I should get out more.

I lingered on the edge of the crowd. People danced all around me, their faces illuminated by the patio lights strung above us. The lights were in the shape of stars, and on the frame of the stage was the moon on the left, and the sun on the right. There were also tables and chairs staggered in the crowd. Sometimes a person would dance closer to their partner, and you would see someone eating a late-night snack, hidden in the crowd. 

I lingered on the edge of the crowd, watching as people who barely knew each other, decades apart in age, chatted with each other, shared each other's drinks. I remember thinking, I want that. I want to be where they are, living spontaneously and worry-free. 

I went back to that courtyard the next night, and the night after that. But I never saw that festival, or whatever it was, again. Sometimes, in my dreams, I see myself standing on the verge of the crowd, dreaming to be a part of the dreamers, but only a part of the outsiders. I occasionally believe that I was delusional, from the physical and emotional pain I was going through at the time. I may not have been though, because I can still smell the booze that was in the girl's hand in front of me, still hear and feel the excitement coming from the jazz band playing up on the wooden stage. I can still see the faces, so many different people, each of their unique features lighten up by the patio lights strung above their heads. 

I never really talked to Jackson again. Eventually, my emotional wounds healed. I drifted apart from Jill, and now, six months later, I still wish we had gone to that concert together. Then, maybe we would have stayed, and gotten to know some people. Maybe now, I wouldn't be regretting the fact that I should have broken up with Jackson sooner. I should have listened to my head and not my heart. 

I miss you, Ny. I hope that wherever you are, whether it's Florence, Sydney, or Nova Scotia, you are living your life to the fullest, and doing your best to make sure you will have no regrets. That night was the best and worst of my life, because I discovered something new, something worthwhile, and I never valued it for how amazing it is. I hope you don't make the same mistake I did.

Sincerely, 

your old friend

Author's Note

Hi, this story was sort of inspired by the 2016 version of "La La Land". I also wrote this in the format of an email, because it feels like the main character is talking to you, the reader.
I haven't really posted a story in a while. I've been going through patches of depression, but I think I'm doing better now. I'm trying to cut my toxic friends out of my life.
I'm scared I'm going to regret not fulfilling my dreams, not giving myself a chance. Until recently, my anxiety has been a large problem, preventing me from doing things I really wanted to do. But hey, I think things will work out in the end.






((The file chosen for this cover image is not mine. I did not take part in creating it, nor do I own it. It was found online. No copyright infringement intended.)