Jack

Another story based on lifestyle and diversity. Sort of similar to my story ‘Katherine’, I guess.

Sunlight slants through open blackout curtains, onto a messy bed. It’s difficult to see the brown-black hair sticking out from the potato chip covered comforter, until an alarm on a bedside table starts blaring “Everybody Wants to Rule the World”, by Tears for Fears, an iconic 80s’ song. The head under the covers groans, and the comforter is pulled back, revealing a teen around the age of 19.
Jack is a simple person. He gets up in the morning, eats a quick breakfast of Lucky Charms, then heads right to his computer, to work on more alien conspiracy theories. Then, about 11 hours later, he eats a PB&J sandwich for dinner, works on his computer some more, and finally goes to bed at 3 in the morning. He wakes up at 6 am, and then repeats the whole schedule. Every day, he ignores phonecalls from his parents, his sister, and his old high school friends. They don’t understand that he feels perfectly healthy, and that working in front of a computer all day is what he wants to do. Besides, don’t a lot of adults work with computers for their work? Why shouldn’t Jack be any different, if he enjoys what he does, unlike many adults in the U.S.?
But today is different. Jack gets out of bed, and turns off the radio (which is now playing “Bohemian Rhapsody”), and stands in front of the mirror in his bedroom. He does this everyday, because looking at his reflection feels relaxing, and therefore prepares him for the day. But while Jack does this, there is a knock at his apartment door. This is curious, because no one ever visits Jack- not that he doesn’t mind. He quickly throws on some pants, and looks through the peephole in his front-and only-door.
Standing there, albeit awkwardly, are his parents and sister. Jack snorts. Maybe they actually remembered him for once- he remembers a few times in grade school and junior high when they forgot to pick him up from after school, and when he didn’t go out of his room during the day for two weeks straight and his sister forgot he existed. But as soon as he thinks that, he feels guilty. He has been the one ignoring them for what? Probably months now. He hasn’t acknowledged their calls, texts, emails. It’s his fault they took time of out their day to come visit him, make sure he’s okay.
Before he answers the door, Jack thinks about what he’s doing. He’s wasting his life and, more importantly, his health away, but what for? To theorize about conspiracies of creatures that probably don’t even exist? Jack doesn’t know if this is what he wants to do. No, he doesn’t want to have a normal life, but he also doesn’t want to do the same thing every day. Maybe if he stopped focusing on things that don’t exist, he could help improve the world, right? He can still be interested in aliens, he thinks, but why should he spend hours and hours visiting the same websites, hoping for something new, when he could actually be doing something new? He could do something as little as give a fifty dollar bill to a homeless man and his dog. Jack wants to live, not waste his life away in a dark room all the time.
This is it. This is the moment of change, the one day in his life where things are out of routine. Jack sighs heavily, then opens the door to his family.

Author's Note

I don’t really feel confident about this story. I mean, it’s probably okay, but I feel like it isn’t as good as my first story. Anyway, whoever’s reviewing, I hope you like it. Please be honest with your reviews, but don’t give hate. That’s just an asshole-ish thing to do.

EDIT: So I fixed a few things, maybe it’s better? Let me know, please :)


((The file chosen for this cover image is not mine. It doesn’t belong to me, nor did I have any part in creating it. No copyright infringement intended.))

Reviews

[Vivian Fisk]

Hello again!

Well, I think this is the best writing you've put up so far. Jack is SO real. But maybe you don't feel confident about it because it's not finished.

When you say, "But today is different," this is a subtle lead-in that Jack may be on the threshold of change, of awakening from this trance of computer addiction. And then, "Standing there, albeit awkwardly, are his parents and sister. Jack snorts. Maybe they actually remembered him for once.." I personally think there is a whole world of information that needs to come right after that last sentence.

The family standing there "awkwardly" (perfect use of that particular word, by the way) implies that the family is uncomfortable talking to him, possibly because they've tried over and over without success; and he is callous about that. And then, abruptly he changes without much inner searching. Exactly what led him to this epiphany?

This is an important story about a real and serious problem, of young people squandering their lives on useless activities while their families stand by helplessly. Please continue working on it.

[Samuel Dickens]

I'm glad he opened that door, and it's hopefully the first in a string of positive behavioral changes. Three hours of sleep, a diet of Lucky Charms and the rest of his time spent on a computer is going to send him to an early grave. Other than a few problems with punctuation, this is well written. You have story-telling ability, which is most important.

[ardor]

Thanks so much for the feedback! I really appreciate it :)