A New Letter to George

Dear Mr. President:

 

I would like to apply for funding for a small, insurgent group in the amount of 50 million dollars.  I want to start a group that shall be named, "The Lavender Jihad," a peaceful Islamic group that might at some point become a company or a collection of individuals. 

 

ANAGRAM EVIDENCE: 'The Lavender Jihad' - 'Jeer hid the vandal.'

ANAGRAM EVIDENCE: 'The LoveAndDear Jihad' - 'Jovial, red-handed hate.'

 

I have a theory that we such a group might win an economic war with a superior propaganda campaign manufacturing superior insults to the intelligence of the terrorist forces as well as economic tactics.  Perhaps, if we embarrass them with our dominating and advanced humor and insult capacity instead of our nuclear capacity, they will simply give up Al Qaida and surrender to the appropriate authorities before we get a new President that is not an alleged extremely controlled, extremely scared, little sissy boy!

 

I think that I can siphon off money from Iran and possibly troops from their alleged proxy war with just another group with word "jihad in it," and people tell me that this would be an added bonus for the campaign.  Plus, with a peaceful and gay sounding group, we could probably bring a lot of peace and prosperity to the Middle East with just a little funding.  Almost certainly, we would attract every male member of the leadership of England and the United States to our cause.  Compared to nearly a trillion dollars in war, what is 50 million dollars?  America could win the war on Al Qaida extremely quickly instead of what appears to be “never at all if George W. Bush or Ghouliani is President.”

 

Well, I have a theory.  That 50 million USD in neatly stacked and triple counted greenbacks is control, and somebody has serious control issues.  With all of the nations stacked on top of each other for massive beat downs upon essentially unarmed people and alleged massive corruption to the magnitude of 20-30% of the US budget as well as an estimate 13 trillion dollars in additional control and only 6 months left for somebody to fight an insurgency control campaign, he is flat out afraid of giving up a little control.  Why is she, I mean he, so afraid of giving a little bit of control?

 

I have a theory on that as well!  She, I mean he, is afraid that even with that little bit of money, my new advanced intelligence agency and sexy girls would utterly rape the crap out of his 13 trillion dollars, and he doesn't want that.  How could just a handful of skilled operatives achieve such a novel and interesting rout on the field of economic battle?  I suggest that that alone is worth a small amount of expense for the United States in further investigation!  She, I mean he, says that he is "The Control Monkey" (or was that me), but I don't believe that he has the raw intellect to compete at a simple number game!

 

ANAGRAM EVIDENCE: 'The Control Monkey' - 'Homely, rotten conk.'

 

I am not much into control or economic games being but a simple carpenter, but I want to play a game of warfare on the enemy’s home turf.   I am at liberty in the United States of America to give “The Enemy” a little advantage, and I can further spot him or her with a fairly large divestment for charity around the globe including working on poverty, global warming, and homelessness along the way.

 

This proposed project is much within the standard of the intelligence community which seems to be, "Let's get everybody fighting each other, buying our guns, supplying us with money, and terrorize them to keep them fighting with each other."  If that girl or guy can finance any and perhaps every other upstart intelligence group, military organization, or group of criminal thugs, why is he so afraid of financing just one person and meeting on the field of battle with honor and discipline!  I think that he is dumb and afraid of taking massive casualties.  We can post our numbers fairly to the Internet without lying, and that would be tough for somebody!   Or, he can continue to hide like the chicken s**t little b***h that he is!

 

I demand some satisfaction from big oil, just a little bit of assistance for the working man trying to learn control games after somebody had an entire lifetime to do it!  Perhaps, if I start out with just 50 million dollars and 6 months to the finish line, I can meet that alleged shady son of a b***h at the halfway mark - 6.5 trillion dollars!  We can post our numbers later, if he likes.  Or, I can just post mine every day, and people can analyze the data to see if they can play such a complex numbers game as well along the way if they still need help with complex number games from “The Numbers Game Champion!”  If he doesn’t like those numbers, I have other numbers as well.  And, I have a lot of other, other, other numbers that are very powerful numbers indeed!  That, good sire, I mean sir, is the power of number theory!

 

ANAGRAM EVIDENCE: 'The Numbers Game Champion!' - 'Cheapen membranous might.'

 

OF INTEREST ARE THE WORDS:  “Celestial mechanics.”  He should already know who is more likely to win that game of numbers with Cosmic Math!

 

What an interesting matchup of superheroes and super villains:  “The Control Monkey” versus “The Numbers Game Champion!”  It is a challenge upon the control of the dumb monkey in question.  Who will prevail?  What will prevail?  Are the numbers more powerful than the control?  Or, is the control more powerful than the numbers?  What do you think?  Please answer this e-mail and my previous requests for information that should be free, I believe, under the Freedom of Information Act.  That contains freedom like America used to have before all of these silly control games.

 

MUSICAL INSPIRATION:  “My heart going boom, boom, boom!”  Damn!  That sounded like fear, and fear is nothing to show if you are a military commander in a time of war!  The Muslims of the world do not know the meaning of the word fear.  The Muslims of the world prefer courage, valor, and discipline.

 

I don't want just any money, mind you!  I want "his" money, whatever that means in the modern age of front companies and control that has replaced integrity and truth, and 6.5 trillion dollars of what I estimate to be 13 trillion dollars at this time.  After the smoke settles from this War on Terror, we will have a vote of the world population as to whether they think that I could have done it if he would allow a more than fair challenge, because I think that he is flat out playing chicken and fox raiding the henhouse just like in Iraq.  That is one alleged chicken s**t little b***h that just allegedly hides behind the good people in the FBI while bombing their office, and I am offended by that kind of conduct!  If that were the only alleged offense in his lifetime, it would be utterly abysmal, but I could somewhat understand it, I guess.  That was not my life, and I do not suggest it.  What shall (or was that Shell?) we say about the rest of that life when it is over?  Well, much has already been said, and there is time left before the end of it to add good conduct to counterbalance all of the alleged evil upon evil upon evil upon evil upon evil upon evil.

 

What I want to ask that particular monkey is, "Do you feel lucky, punk?  Huh, do you?"  I think that little b***h is chicken and more homosexual than Michael Jackson!

 

I thank you for your time and consideration, good sir.  Please try to win the War on Terror soon so that our boys and girls in the field can make it home in time for Christmas for probably the first time in 7 long years.  That might not be a long time sitting in the Oval Office playing tiddly winks and trying to finally win at what seems to be treated as a game of war instead of war itself, but that is a long time when you are neck deep in putrid water, mud, and leeches.

 

Have a nice day.  You have my e-mail address and can just send me your reply.  Thank ya kindly.

 

Whoever it might be out there in the world with an estimated 13 trillion dollars while people are starving, fighting in wars, sitting in wheelchairs from torture, living in poverty, and sacrificing their vacations and medical care to pay for gasoline will surely die in extreme agony if he does not meet my challenge and beat me at a game that is half each of ours.  Come on now!  50 million dollars (without unfair crime) against 13 trillion dollars?  How could somebody possibly lose that game?  He or she must be a total idiot or losing control of his faculties in his old age because that seems impossible.  Between possibility and impossibility is reality. 

 

However, I doubt that he has any courage at all in the face of superior economic warfare.   So, I will sit around eagerly awaiting his response to my challenge until I am finally free to clean up the mess of a world that he has allegedly very largely left us by his actions and inactions.  Somebody needs to care and provide for the children of Allah instead of himself, and it does not look at this time like it is going to be him!  Others will follow the path of light instead of the path into the depths of the Abyss.

 

The world is watching.  The challenge is posted to the Internet in plenty of time to make a decision as to whether he is a man or a monkey.  Where is that guy, anyways, and why is the price of gasoline falling with the price of oil this time around?  What changed?

 

MUSICAL INSPIRATION:  “I could see the city light.  Wind was blowing time stood still.  Eagle flew out into the night.” 

 

The eagle has landed.  The eagle has landed.  The fat man sings the blues!

 

MUSICAL INSPIRATION:  “Turning water into wine.”

 

What does it all mean?  Perhaps, it means that change is a coming!

 

Peace and love,

Gabe

Reviews

[Legion]

Interesting ideas. I think the whole thing though is above his head. Maybe if you could shorten it into something simplier that his inferior intellect might understand. Perhaps something like "Play nice" or some such logic. :) Liked it (although I have to admit you really should possibly shy off the anagrams for a bit for they tend to be a bit forced and do not really make that much sense). Save your wit and logic for those bigger fish to fry so to speak.

[TL Boehm]

sorry for my delay in reading this - life in all its monotony doth happen. I'm laughing my hindparts off - you know that, right? Your humor is formidable. Considering the ramifications of 'lavender jihad. Ah yes.

[Monners]

*claps* stupid president.