A day of my Life

The lovely weather and the chirping of the sparrows were only disturbed by the heavy snoring of old Grandpa beside Gaetlyn. She smiled to herself as she watched the quite, serene view from the balcony of her two story house. Her life was content. She was in a good marriage and her baby boy had started to go to the nearby preschool.

She looked up at the grandfather clock as it chimed twice. It was 2pm; Ronald would be home soon. Her mind filled with the chubby little face of Ronald as she thought about him, his tiny fingers and innocuous actions. She pondered about the intricacies of grown up life and the everyday caution that had to be exercised that sharply contrasted with the toddler’s thoughts.

The slow rumble of the school bus down the rickety lane brought Gaetlyn back to her senses. Ronald hurriedly climbed down the steps, eager to get to his waiting mother’s arms. He jumped the final few steps and raced towards his mother. “Mommy…” he cried with joy. Gaetlyn hugged her son and carried him inside the house.

A little while later, Ronald exclaimed “Am hungry mommy!” Expecting the familiar demand, Gaetlyn had gone to the kitchen to make some sandwiches. “Here are some lovely cheesy sandwiches for my little boy” she announced, as she placed the tray before him. Immediately he dug into the sandwiches. Sporting a tiny belly, thanks to the sandwiches mommy made him, Ronald then went back to playing his toy keyboard. 

Gaetlyn was usually a very restless person; she couldn’t find herself just taking some time off from the routine monotonous chores. Oddly today, she felt very tired and decided to take a short nap. She checked the bolts on the main door, told little Ronald to stay put and went to her room.

When she woke up, she realized that her “short nap” had stretched into an entire hour and that both Ronald and old grandpa would be due for their supper. She quickly refreshed herself; checked on Ronald who was still toying with the keyboard and found Grandpa reading the newspaper out in the balcony. She readied supper and called them both. While grandpa came in shortly, Ronald hadn’t replied. Slightly anxious, she went out into the porch calling for Ronald, unable to find him inside the house. Sure enough, there was Ronald with big patches of the sand stored near the porch.

“Ronald, I have told you time and again that you musnt play with sand, you might get infected!” she reprimanded him. She asked him to clean himself up and show up at the dinner table quickly. Discreetly thanking God that he hadn’t thrown any tantrums today, she led him to the bathroom. By the time Ronald finished playing in the water and came to the dining room, Grandpa and Gaetlyn had finished supper after discussing today’s news. Deciding to let Ronald a little loose this time, after all he was just a child; she silently served him his supper enquiring about his day at school. She had a genuine smile across her face as Ronald vividly described the accident his teacher had with the revolving door.

After TV time, Gaetlyn tucked Ronald in his bed and kissed him goodnight. She retired to her room afterwards thinking about Jason, her husband. “It has been 7 months now” she thought to herself. Jason had left for an overseas job, as it promised better pay package among other benefits, even though that meant leaving Gaetlyn and Ronald.

“Another day has passed in my life”, she thought as she slowly drifted into sleep.

 

Reviews

[JayG]

In this, from start to finish, you, the author, are listing the events that you visualize, then explaining the meaning of them, as necessary. That is NOT the same as making the reader see what you see in your mind. And because you can clearly visualize it, you may leave out important detail.
When you say, “She looked up at the grandfather clock as it chimed twice.” Only you know that she’s moved inside where she can look up at the clock. And since you know it, you forgot to mention it. But if you tell the story from her viewpoint, in the moment she calls now, reporting only what matters to her enough to react to, you miss nothing important, and never bore the reader with things that may be important to you but which she’s currently ignoring.
Something else to keep in mind. Someone once asked the great director Alfred Hitchcock what drama is. His response was, “Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.” And people read for drama—for the emotional experience you give them. But what you’ve provided has no drama, it’s an overview of an unexceptional day in the life of someone we know only second hand, from an storyteller who is a dispassionate report writer.

Readers are in many ways monsters. Tell them a nice story about a nice man who sells parts, has a loving wife and daughter, and they yawn. But make that man have a secret life as an ace government agent. Have the wife, bored with her life, flirt with the idea of an affair. Make the daughter rebellious and in danger of doing stupid things, and you have the basis of the film, True Lies. Who wants to read, “John and marry and have a pleasant life.” ?

So test your characters. Have someone hijack Ron’s school bus and force Gaetlyn, in her desperation, take on the kidnappers. Drop a body through her ceiling. Set the place on fire. Push her to grow and change as we watch. And make us see the events as she does, making them s real that when she teeters on the edge of destruction your reader chews their nails, and shouts advice to her.

In other words, entertain, don’t inform.

A bit of time spent digging through the local library’s fiction writing section would pay huge dividends in terms of the number of options you have as you write.

For a kind of overview of the field, you might want to look at a few of the writing articles in my blog. They’re meant for the new writer.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Aravindhan]

Thank you for your in depth comments JayG, I'll keep them in mind.
I couldn't agree with you more about the drama part but for this I just wanted to portray a good old day. :)

[Alucard6336]

Never mind Jay Greenstein, who has been banned off of many writing sites. Is it against the TOS to post blog links in reviews? He's gotten banned for that before off other websites.

Wonderful piece. The last part broke my heart and I emphasize with the woman in here. I can say this was worth reading by far.

I'm very empathetic, and I love reading on here. When a story can pull me in and make me feel what they're feeling, like this, that means you are a top notch writer. Great work :)