Learning About Her part 2 (chapter 6 of The Guardian Angel)

Rhonda watched more videos.

 

Her mom then called her for dinner. Rhonda ate dinner slowly.

 

The doorbell rang. My mom raced to get it.

 

"Can Rhonda play?" I heard a voice say. She thought that it was her friend, Jamilett. Jamilett had brunette hair with hazelish eyes. She was also hispanic, but her skin was light like Rhonda's.

 

"Rhonda!" her mom called.

 

"Coming"

 

"Hi Jamilett."

 

"Hi, can you play?"

 

"Yes. Let's go." They went down the court to her house.

 

"Do you wanna go ask Fluffy if he wants to come out?" Jamilett asked. That was Jesus's nickname.

 

"Sure. I'll go with you. Plus, I have to tell you something."

 

"Tell me now before we get him."

 

"Well, I was at my friend's mobile home park today. We were at the pool there and we were sitting at a table. A guy came over to us. He knew my friend, but not me. He said hi to me and asked if we could walk around with him. We did and it was so cool, because guess what happened?"

 

Dakota was getting really jealous again.

 

"What?"

 

"He asked me to go out with him. He's going to Cook and he's only a year older than me."

 

"Oh my gosh! Did you tell your mom yet?"

 

"No. I'm gonna tell her after I go to Cook."

 

"That's what I would do."

 

"Yep. Now lt's go get him." They walked the path to his door. They rang the doorbell and his mom answered.

 

"Esta Jesus." Jamilett said.

 

"Si." She got him.

 

"Do you wanna play outside?" Jamilett asked.

 

"Sure."

 

All 3 of them sauntered outside.

 

They all played basketball while the time got away from them. They finally stopped at 7:00 p.m.

 

"I think I'm gonna go inside." Jamilett said.

 

"Ok. Bye." Rhonda said.

 

After Jamilett disappeared into the night, Jesus and Rhonda were still out there.

 

"Are you gonna stay out here, because I am?" Jesus asked.

 

"Yeah, I guess since you said that."

 

They went to sit down on these stacked bricks outside his house.

 

"So, I read what you said in the yearbook about your life. You said that you were gonna stay out of trouble." Rhonda said.

 

"Yeah, I did say that. I'm trying to. I need help. Will you help me?"

 

"Sure. You start tommorrow."

 

"Cool. So, 6th grade was a good year wasn't it?"

 

"Yeah, it was except for some things." Dakota knew what she meant by "some things".

 

"We all have bad times. Don't beat yourself up. What were those 'things'?"

 

"Well, I asked someone out and the guy said no. I thought he liked me so much. After that, he got 2 girlfriends."

 

"Don't worry. You're not the only one who's got rejected before."

 

"The thing is, I think a guy likes me and I ask him out. The answer is always 'no'. I have had a boyfriend before, but he asked me. He wasn't the right guy. He was ugly and acted like a girl sometimes. I just wish that it was someone else. We're still friends now. I just sometimes feel that I'll live and die alone."

 

"Well, any guy would be lucky to be with you. I mean, who would reject you. I need to tell you something."

 

"Yeah."

 

Dakota started to get jealous.

 

"The truth is that I've liked you since I met you. Your looks are awesome. I see guys look at you. Do you see it?"

 

"No."

 

"Well, they do. My older friends even think you're hott. A lot of the guys at school liked you too. Face it, you're pretty hott. Don't listen to the haters."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Rainbow Rider]

Okay, I see a pattern forming with your writting. You are doing awesome with the dialog parts, but once again you need to pratice your starting off paragraphs. Try not to just tell us in short sentences what the character is doing, but show us with your words what they are doing.

Example: "Rhonda watched more videos.
Her mom then called her for dinner. Rhonda ate dinner slowly.
The doorbell rang. My mom raced to get it."

Instead of just telling this to the reader, give them a picture of sorts with your words. Like this:

'Rhonda was in the living room playing (Name of vidoe game) when her mother called to her, to let her know dinner was ready. She went to the kitchen and sat down and slowly started to eat the (say what was for dinner) on her plate. Rhonda had barely started to eat when the doorbell rang. Her mother told her to keep eating while she went to answer it.'

I don't think I would say her mother 'Raced' to the door, unless you want the reader to think Rhonda's mother is really excited that someone finally rang the doorbell.

As I said, your dialog writting has really improved, now it's just a matter of fine tuning your discriptions of the actions your characters make.

The story is moving along nicely.