The Guy (chapter 2 of The Guardian Angel)

She finally went out of the pool with her friend. They went to a table and started talking. "Yuli, I can't forget about...." "There are other fish in the sea. Like that fish." She pointed to the guy that Rhonda was checking out earlier. Yuli spoke too soon. After Yuli pointed, he went walking towards them. "Hey, I'm Alex what's your name?" the guy said looking at Rhonda. "I'm Rhonda and this is Yuli." "I know her. Anyways, would you like to walk around with me, you can bring Yuli too if you want." "Sure. C'mon Yuli." Dakota felt more jealousy. He didn't know why. It was eating him alive. It couldn't stop. "So, how old are you?" Rhonda asked. "I'm 12 turning 13 this summer. You?" "I'm 11 turning 12 this summer. I'm going to Cook." "Me too. " They walked for a while until he asked Rhonda something. "Ummm, Rhonda?" "Yes." "Would you like to go out with me. You're so beautiful. I can't stop looking at you. We're only 1 year apart." Rhonda thought for a minute while Dakota was getting jealous. "Sure." she finally said. Alex finally put his hand around Rhonda. "I must control my jealousy. I must control my jealousy." Dakota thought to himself. Rhonda said that she had to go back to Yuli's house. They exchanged numbers and walked away. "Wait." Alex yelled. "Yeah?" "Are you gonna come here again in the summer. "Yes." Dakota knew that Rhonda was his age. Yuli and Rhonda went in the house.
 

Author's Note

i'm only 11 turning 12 on june 22, so i might not have the greatest skills writing.

Reviews

[Rainbow Rider]

Hi and welcome tothe Cafe. First the good news. The premise for your book is a good one. Now the bad news. I don't want to be to critical but I feel I must point out these things.
1.) Chapters in books are seldom this short. Once in a while a chapter can be this short, but only when they inform the reader of something really important, and then they are surrounded by longer chapters.
2.) You need to make your line breaks, so as not to have everything just run on in one long paragraph. I rewrote your story word-for-word, but with proper breaks.

She finally went out of the pool with her friend. They went to a table and started talking.

"Yuli, I can't forget about...."

"There are other fish in the sea. Like that fish." She pointed to the guy that Rhonda was checking out earlier. Yuli spoke too soon. After Yuli pointed, he went walking towards them.

"Hey, I'm Alex what's your name?" the guy said looking at Rhonda.

"I'm Rhonda and this is Yuli."

"I know her. Anyways, would you like to walk around with me, you can bring Yuli too if you want."

"Sure. C'mon Yuli."

Dakota felt more jealousy. He didn't know why. It was eating him alive. It couldn't stop.

"So, how old are you?" Rhonda asked. "I'm 12 turning 13 this summer. You?"

"I'm 11 turning 12 this summer. I'm going to Cook."

"Me too. "

They walked for a while until he asked Rhonda something. "Ummm, Rhonda?"

"Yes." "Would you like to go out with me. You're so beautiful. I can't stop looking at you. We're only 1 year apart."

Rhonda thought for a minute while Dakota was getting jealous.

"Sure." she finally said.

Alex finally put his hand around Rhonda.

"I must control my jealousy. I must control my jealousy." Dakota thought to himself.

Rhonda said that she had to go back to Yuli's house. They exchanged numbers and walked away.

"Wait." Alex yelled.

"Yeah?" "Are you gonna come here again in the summer.

"Yes."

Dakota knew that Rhonda was his age. Yuli and Rhonda went in the house.


3) You need to be a little more discriptive with your words and increase the dialog a little more. And try to use a differetn word for "WENT". I really makes no sense in your opening sentence.
4) You are using to many pronouns instead of actual names. Example again is the opening sentence. Considering suggestions 3-4, a better way to start would maybe be;

Rhonda grabbed a towel as she stepped out of the pool and beagn to dry off as she waited for her friend, Yuli, to swim over and join her. The two walked over and sat down at one of the poolside tables.

"Yuli, I just can't forget about,"

"There are plenty of other fish in the sea." Yuli interupted. "Like that fish!" She said pointing to the boy that Rhonda had been eying in the pool all afternoon.

As Yuli pointed, Rhonda turned to look but quickly turned back, blushing. The boy was walking towards them.

"Hey I'm Alex," The boy said looking directly at Rhonda, making her cheeks become redder. "What's your name?"

"I'm Rhonda," She said glancing up at the boy, then quickly turning to her friend. "This is Yuli."


From there on I kind of got lost trying to figure out what you were going after. You have the boy knowing Yuli, so whay would he not have walked up and said hi to her first?

I think you need to figure out a way to have Dakota involved int he story more, maybe have him be the narrator or something, because the way you have it now is way too confusing as to what is going on. I understand he is an angel, but it doesn't work to well to just drop him into the middle of a paragraph with no explanation as to what is happening.

As I said, the premise of this is great,. If you want any other help, just send me a message.

[Jasmin]

Okay know for the good :) This is a very cute story so far, I like where you are going with it and I like what you are going for. Dakota getting jealous about this arousing relationship is cute and interesting. It makes me want to read on to see what the outcome will be, and what he will choose to do about the situation.

[Jasmin]

Okay so I have some small critiques for this one. First of all when i was listening to it, and the words that where exchanged between Alex and Rhonda it didn't seem to be real, or maybe it just sounded a little to choppy. For example,

"Ummm, Rhonda?"
"Yes,"
"Wouldn you like to go out with me, you are so beautiful and I can't stop looking at you. We are only one year apart,"
Rhonda thought for a minute while Dakota was getting jealous. "Sure."

It just sounds a little bit choppy, you could do something like.

Alex and Rhonda walked around the pool for a while talking about different things. Alex turned towards Rhonda looking hesitant. "Ummmm, Rhonda?"

"Yes," she said turning towards Alex

He looked at her and started to speak, "I was wondering if maybe... you would like to go out with me? You are just so beautiful and I can't stop looking at you. And we are only a year apart. So... do you?"

honda thought for a minute while Dakota was getting jealous. "Sure." she said smiling over at Alex

To me that sounds more like something someone would say, and it is just more interesting to read.

[deeps]

I like it so far,
Wonderful plot going
i would add on a little
make it a little longer.
Wonderful story