Ritual of Sex

A poem about love, romance, and furthering the population. Please comment and critique

The Ritual of Sex

Lets get thing moving
Like a well oiled machine
Its time to fall in humanity’s trap
Won't you please accept this ring

God knows that I don’t love you
But they say I love your eyes
Even if they're null and void
They got me hypnotized.

Your waist is oh so slender
And your perfect for the fit
With a quiet kiss so tender
We work to create a kid

And it’s a factory of lovers
In the ritual of sex
With glitter, glue, and confetti
We make hearts for Juliets

And if you can't conceive
Your bitter and alone
We are simply workers
Building a humble home

So I’m sorry if its vulgar
But my lips are unafraid
They’ll whisper to you love tunes
I wont fertilize your egg

Author's Note

I want critisims, what was good? What wasn't good? I would appreciate anything to help me improve.

Reviews

[Snuggles McClintock]

hiya: this is the first critique that I have left for you, so just a note of caution, i offer my totally unfiltered opinion. my dinosaur brain has no way to filter. any suggestions i make are not an attack on you as a human being but as a writer. when it comes to poetry, my views are a bit skewed. you'll want to gather lots of feedback to acquire a well rounded opinion of your work. here's what i thought about your piece:

I get the theme you are going for, but I feel the subject of sex and emptiness of ritual has already been thoroughly explored by the beats and Henry Miller. You may want to check out a poem called "Marriage" of Gregory Corso.

With that being said, I really really really liked the last line. I would suggest leading with that statement. I mean DAMN, that grabs your attention. That line, I felt, was the actually starting point of the poem.

also
there are some other typo's. You are missing an ' in won't in line four. you can edit this by selecting the "manage writing tab on your profile.

[SeisaMystique]

This was quite different, but I enjoyed it. It speaks to me about the reality of life and reminded me how society looks at woman who are over a certain age and haven't produced a child yet or those that can not. nice work. :)

[Kelley]

I noticed you did use the word thing,things twice. Its an easy fix.
Just go into your manage writing tab under writing and you will
fing your poem and it will say edit on it. I liked the flow of this
and the rhyme I think I would change ........

"And your perfect for the fit
With a quiet kiss so tender
We work to create a kid"

Something in this does not quite sound right>

Anyway thanks for sharing.

Kelley

[aprince]

Please excuse line one. I accidentally use the word "things" twice, if anyone knows how to edit I would love to now. Than you for reading