page 68

September 5th

12:01 pm

So it's my first chemo session and I'm literally thinking of not doing this because I don't want to become bald. I really don't. Call me crazy because it's my hair over my life but Dylan I think I'm okay with dying...

Chemotherapy is so expensive and my parents have no money and I really don't want you to have to pay for it like you said you were going to. Because guess what Dylan? I searched it up online and it said that Chemo could cost one patient up to $10,000 for just one month. I'm sorry but my life is definitely not worth it. I don't want you to throw the life you get to have away for someone who might not even make it. The session right now is $80 and I'm paying for it even if you insisted but I don't think I'm going to go to the next one. I'm sorry. I've had cancer for pretty much a month now. I'm so done with this all. This doesn't even feel like living so what's the point?

I don't want to leave you, but I hate this pain I have to feel every other minute. It's like something is eating my lungs, something with really sharp teeth.

It's so frustrating.

I'm exhausted.

Even hanging out with you isn't as fun as it used to be because of it. I can't laugh without it hurting let alone breathe. I want to enjoy watching movies with you like we used to and make cookies and wrestle and be kids again. This is making me so depressed Dyl. Our friendship will never be the same. That's why I think I'm ready to die... Because life just fell apart for me in seconds and it's not something I'll be able to put back together.

I'm going to have my session now, I'll write more when I'm done.

12:40 pm

Sigh chemo wasn't too bad. But why do you have to pay so much just for substances and drugs? That's literally all it was. It's supposed to start fighting the tumor soon but I'm going to have to come back. FINE. Thanks for being there with me Dylan. You even asked what I was writing in my notebook and all I came up with was "a story". Well I guess I'm sort of writing a story. A story about me... and how I fell in love with my best friend but never told him because I'm stupid and now I have cancer. I didn't expect my story to turn out like this. I only started writing in this to express how I felt about you. Now I've gotten so used to writing in this that it sort of turned into a journal and I literally write everything that's happening in my life.

I may as well write my story because when I'm gone this will be the only thing left, and I don't want to die with secrets. That's scary to me because you'll never even know I loved you. So I'm putting it all here, this notebook, this is me. Down to my heart, soul, mind, everything.

Okay well you're taking me to a park right now. We're going kite flying or something, can't wait.

6:17 pm

Dylan, life used to be a beautiful thing. I couldn't fall asleep at night, because reality was finally better than my dreams. You were my reality, my ray of sunshine in every storm. You're the sunshine in this storm I'm facing, and part of me wants to join the storm, but the other part wants to stay in this sunny place with you. Where it's warm, and safe.

September 6th

Oh my gosh I don't know where my notebook is. I put it under my pillow where I always put it and now it's gone. So I'm writing on a page of paper but it really feels like I've lost a big part of me.

I feel like Ben took it. If he did he'll literally know EVERYTHING about how I feel about you. And he's obviously going to tell you, I mean he's an 8 year old and he's also my brother. That means he'll take any chance he gets to sabotage my life.

He doesn't even know what cancer is... When I tell him I'm sick he says "when are you getting better?" And then when I tell him that I might not get better he thinks I'm trying to trick him. He'll understand with time. As much as he annoys the hell out of me, I really don't want to leave him. I wish I could be there to help him with his first girl problems and to see him start high school. I hate that he's going to lose his older sister, the only person that takes care of him because our parents seriously don't care. 

Okay I am going to go get my notebook back. Hopefully he didn't read too much of it. I'm literally going to throw this out right now, I love you Dylan.

Okay I don't know why I keep "talking" to you as if you are actually going to read this. 

Crumpling this paper up now.