page 67

August 31st

2:17 pm

A puppy.

The surprise was a puppy.

I have no words.

Just tears.

No dog can ever replace Milo but this literally brought tears to my eyes. This puppy will be ours. So we have to think of a name we both like for her. But really, any name you choose I'd most likely be cool with so it doesn't matter. Unless of course you choose the name Crap, then there might be a problem. I know you wouldn't though, obviously.

I can't even put into words how wonderful you are. Not because you got me a puppy but because you're simply a wonderful human being.

...I'm so close to the bottom of the fall.

You know, the fall that will most likely break me.

The fall for you.

I'm trying to slow down but if anything I'm falling faster and faster. I thought I would be able to learn how to fly but the only thing that's flying is time. Time is flying by so fast and everything is just getting scarier. It feels like I'm on a roller coaster that has a gap somewhere along the tracks and the ride just keeps going, faster and faster. No matter what, the roller coaster will eventually reach that gap and that will be it, I'll be dead.

I want to tell you already. I mean I'm dying anyways, but I just don't want to ruin anything while I still have you. I would much rather die with you in my life than without you. Sometimes I feel like if I told you how I felt it would push you away. But that's stupid because I know you wouldn't let yourself be pushed away. I know that you want to have me in your life just as much as I want to have you in mine. I know that since you're such a wonderful person you wouldn't let my feelings ruin our friendship.

I am in love with you Dylan.

So I don't understand why I can't just tell you.

Sometimes I think about if you did feel the same and I told you. It would just make my heart break more because I know I won't be here for a lifetime. I wanted to watch you grow into an adult Dyl. I want to be able to see your smile forever. But I really have to stop thinking about all of those things because they won't even happen anymore.

It's so unfair.

I can't imagine being gone.

How will it feel?

Where will I go?

Will I be happy or will I miss you?

I have so many questions Dylan.

September 2nd

9:02 am

Oh my gosh Sugar is the sweetest puppy ever, like sugar. She's taking a nap on me while I'm here in this stupid hospital bed again waiting for someone to tell me what my x-rays showed. They needed to see how much bigger the tumor got. If it's too big I'll need surgery to remove it is what my doctor told me. "There's always a risk of not making it with this type of procedure, I just need you to be aware of that." That statement in particular sent chills down my spine. It feels like it got bigger. Breathing isn't supposed to be a struggle, but for me it is every day.

Sigh. I just sighed so I decided to write that down.

9:10 am

Well, I won't be needing surgery but that means chemo which I'm not psyched about.

I'm a future thinker. This really sucks, I can't stop thinking about a future I won't have.

I want to be a mother and I want to make silly home videos. Birthdays. Christmas. New Years. Easter. April fools. Halloween. Thanksgiving. I want to capture those moments on video and watch them when I'm a grandma. I want to be a grandma. I want to see Sugar when she's a grown German shepherd. She's going to be so beautiful. When I'm gone, Sugar will be with you Dylan. She's going to fall in love with you I swear. She'll be your new best friend, but I won't mind.

I want to have hope that chemo will help. But I'm not a very hopeful person Dylan. You are and that's one of the many things I love about you.

I'm 16 and in love. You hear that all the time, but 16 and dying? Who deserves that?

Since you're probably going to read this after I'm gone, I have something I want you to know...

Dylan,

It's okay to let go of me. Please don't feel like you have to hold onto me forever. I won't come back and I want you to live a happy life. I'm happy now, I promise. Dylan, the pain is gone. I'm at peace. I wish you the best of luck with Samantha, but really you can do better. I'm kidding, just listen to your heart. Be with someone who makes you happy.

I'll always be with you and I'm with you right now. I'm still holding you. But you can't hold onto me anymore. It's okay Dylan, I want you to let go.

Take a deep breath right now

Close your eyes

Feel my presence

Breathe out

Know that I'm okay

Now know that you're okay

And you're going to be okay

Tomorrow

And the day after

And the rest of your life

I'm at peace

So now I want you to find peace

Dylan,

Let go

- Alice