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August 27th

3:40 pm

I'm sorry I scared you yesterday when I fainted. I don't even know why it happened. I probably just didn't eat enough or something. I'm really losing my appetite. I mean you would know, I used to love eating. That reminds me, I miss our eating battles. I always felt so fat after every round but you would lift up my shirt and say "that's nothing close to fat."

I want to go get checked up or even try therapy. Because I think I might actually be depressed and I hate feeling this way so I could just get some pills for depression.

7:49 pm

Something is wrong with me for sure. I fainted again just a few minutes ago. But now I know that it's not because of how much I eat. It's difficulty breathing. It felt like my lungs just gave up and I fainted. I feel like I was dead for a few minutes. Being dead actually doesn't sound like such a bad thing right now. No. That was the depression talking. I hope...

Well I don't want to die because that means having to leave you, and I'm not ready for that.

You're my anchor. If you didn't exist, I would have nothing to hold onto.

9:40 pm

Dude the new ps3 game you got was so much fun! Once again, hanging out at your house was the best part of my day, actually the best part of my week because it's been a pretty bad one. I love how your mom actually invites me to sleepover because she knows that we're literally just best friends. You're like the Christopher Robin to my Pooh Bear.

My bestest friend.

I can't wait to sleep over! The first thing we're doing is making peanut butter cookies okay because you promised we would make them together. We can even make some for your girlfriend, she'd probably really like them because they were made by the best chefs out there... haha not really but shh don't tell her that.

I'm actually in a really good mood right now. It's probably because you're coming to my door in 15 minutes and I'm just super excited. Oh yeah, I'm bringing Shrek because it's our fave. There's no harm in watching it again, I mean we've only seen it 20 times. I'm not even sure if that was an exaggeration...

Oh my gosh just come already. I'm getting impatient.

10:14 pm

Yes.

The doorbell.

Finally.

August 30th

5:02 pm

Everything fell apart so quickly.

I was starting to feel better.

I was finding myself again.

We started talking all night long like we used to and I was slowly becoming happier.

And then this.

Everything is going to be taken from me within a short amount of time.

How am I supposed to get married in 9 months?

It's simple. I won't.

Getting married was always something I dreamed about as a kid, and now it's never going to happen because of the stupid tumor in my lung.

Stupid f*****g cancer.

I don't want to die.

I want to have kids. I want to grow old and look at old photos and smile. I want to graduate high school with you. You promised we'd go to senior prom together and it has honestly been the thing I've been looking forward to most since you asked, "Alice Garner, will you go to the senior prom with me in two years?"

Yes.

But no, I can't, turns out life really does hate me.

I can't believe this is really happening. I can't believe I'm in a stupid hospital bed waiting for you to come and feel bad. I want to see you again but I don't want you to see me like this. Not because I look bad, which I do, but because if you see me like this you have to accept that I'm dying, and I will have to accept that I'm dying.

God. Just writing that gives me goose bumps.

I'm dying.

I'm dying.

I'm dying.

5:58 pm

Dylan, I'm scared of dying.

I think I'm going to give you this notebook soon. At least when I'm gone, you'll have something personal to remember me by and you'll finally know all of the things I was too much of a coward to say.

Surprise, I love you.

Make sure they play Bittersweet Symphony at my funeral because the best word that describes my life is bittersweet and I'm going to listen to it and close my eyes as I escape this sad world. It doesn't sound like such a bad way to go. Dylan, when you read this I want you know that you were the sweet part of my bitter life.

Reviews

[terry smith]

Sad and beautiful!!!!All the things I have never said, just came spilling out of my head, I kicked them under the crack in the door, then locked them away ,forever more....say what you feel say what you need say it or forever will you bleed,,,, teardrops of regret. I loved the whole story!!!!!