page 65

August 25th

9:03 am

I didn't expect you to call me. I thought you were having too much fun, that I didn't cross your mind. But when I saw it was you calling my heart skipped a beat. Why does that happen? It's a phone call. The way our bodies react to different things is interesting. Sweaty palms, racing hearts, rosy cheeks, goose bumps, shivering, the way we sometimes taste sourness when we see something sour, usually pickles. It's all so cool, in my opinion.

Any who, I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I miss your jokes, mostly the lame ones, because they always make me laugh. To be fair my jokes are lame as well. 

I miss the silly faces you make with me, and the dimples on your cheeks when you smile. I miss the freckles on your nose and the warmth of your eyes. I'm still trying. I'm trying to hang on tightly, so I don't fall in love with you. What terrifies me is that I think I've already slipped. You know what happens when you fall for someone who doesn't feel the same?

They don't catch you.

You hit the ground.

And you break.

I'm falling, sorry. I've accepted the fact that you won't be at the bottom to catch me, because it's impossible to make your heart feel something it won't. I love how people say nothing is impossible.

12:06 am

12 hours until I get to see you again, I'm impatient. 

I've been having trouble sleeping lately, and I don't get that because I feel more tired than usual. But it's not exactly tiredness, it's the lack of energy. I feel so drained. Don't you remember how alive I used to be? I'm losing that, I think I'm losing myself. 

It's asking, "Who are you?" over and over. The answer is never quite right.

August 26th

3:10 pm

I'm sorry I hugged you for so long when you got back. It was surprisingly hard to let go.

So, why did you seem jealous when I told you I started talking to this guy a lot? It's not like I'm replacing you and becoming his best friend. I'm just trying to feel something for someone else. I figured that would be the best for both of us, definitely would be best for me. Well, he's really sweet and everything, except, when I look at him all I see is you. It's making me feel terrible, and I'm trying to stop. How am I supposed to move on when you're like a tattoo? The only thing I could do is remove you permanently, but that would hurt like crazy. I don't want to do that.

I feel like you're the only person in this world who actually cares about me. God knows what my mom cares about, probably just her packs of cigarettes. My dad walked out, and never bothers to call yet alone text me, not even for my birthday. He's missed 8, and counting. My dog is gone, which I try my best not to think about. I end up pushing my friends away because I have issues opening up. You're the only person I've ever opened up to, and I don't even know how that happened. Anyway the point is, my friends don't really care. I guess they're too busy with their own problems. You at least make me feel like you care, and that's something.

5:57 pm

If I start hanging out with this guy more often, we'll get closer and maybe I'll be surprised. Maybe I'll learn how to fly, so I won't hit the ground falling for you. Maybe then, I'll fall again but be caught by him at the bottom. 

He asked if you and I were anything, and I told him you were just my best friend. 

"That's what you say, but one day, you'll end up getting really close, physically I mean. And without trying, something will just happen. And it will feel amazing, natural almost. Because after years, all these hidden feelings built up in you both, maybe without you even knowing. It's almost inevitable, in my opinion." 

When he told me this, in a way, it made me happy. Until I realized, no, that's never going to happen. Maybe it happened in movies, or with some people. But with us? No, never. Never ever, he gave me more false hope I didn't need. 

"Okay, I just don't see that ever happening with Dylan and I." I told him.

"Just wait." He smiled sheepishly. "You're a really great person, as far as I know, and I don't see how this Dylan guy won't end up feeling something for you, one day." 

I told you, he's a sweet guy. And what he said made me smile, but I choose not to believe him. 

No expectations, no disappointments is what I always see on tumblr. It's true, that's why I don't expect anything.

Reviews

[terry smith]

I am very impressed with this story, I look to see if you have added to it when i pop on wc, I think it will make a great book!! :)

[Anika]

Oh my gosh thank you that really makes me happy :) God I've been so busy lately but I'll update today