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August 18th

8:15 pm

It still hurts to breathe. I told my mom and she thought I just needed sleep. She doesn't get that I'm always tired no matter how much I sleep. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. I feel like I'm somewhat depressed because I'm just not interested in anything anymore. I feel weak and exhausted and I don't know why. Now, the only time I'm ever happy is the time I spend with you. Which isn't how it's supposed to be but I'm thankful anyway. Thank you for always cheering me up when I'm down. Even when you aren't trying to, you just do.

It really hurts to breathe. I need you.

2:47 am

I can't believe you actually picked up at this time and talked to me for an hour. I needed to hear your voice, to tell you I was in pain and that I felt like I was losing myself. Hearing you on the other end of the phone kind of distracted me from the pain. It hurt to laugh too, but I couldn't help myself. You said you were worried about me. You told me to go to sleep because you thought it would help the pain go away. You told me that if I ever lost myself, not to worry because you would find me. You told me that you were here for me. And that you didn't want to stop talking to me, but also didn't want to take my sleep away.

After everything you told me, how do you expect me not to fall in love with you?

And you don't have to worry about me, I'm fine.

I promise...

August 22nd

5:02 pm

I lied.

I'm not fine. 

I feel like there is death in my lungs. My mom doesn't care, and my dad's never around. You're my only sort of medicine, and you're not here.

Congrats on getting your license. I hope you're having a good time in Paris with her. The city of love, huh? Or so I've heard.

I remember when we talked about going to Paris together. How we'd rant about travelling the world, something we both loved. Then she came along.

Yeah, I'm happy for you. But that doesn't mean it's not killing me.

I'm so alone right now, this whole week actually. Since you left. My mind is spinning, I'm not thinking straight. I'm thinking the worst, stupid things that can't be true. Like, when you come home tomorrow, will she be your new best friend? Because we haven't talked the whole time you've been gone. See, stupid things that can't be true.. Right? 

I haven't called, or texted you yet, because I'm waiting for you to miss me. But maybe that's stupid, I should stop being so proud, I'm sure you know how proud I can get.

Right now, I feel a ghostly touch of where your arms used to be when you hugged me before you left. And I hear a ghostly whisper of the last words you said to me, 

"I'll miss you."

Do you?

Do you miss me?

I'm crazy.

7:35 pm

I don't know what hurts more, the pain in my lungs or the pain of you being gone.