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August 5th

1:23 am

There's this weird feeling I get whenever I talk to you, it feels like electricity running through my veins. It goes all the way to the tips of my fingers, the ones I press against this pen as I write words about you. I've never felt this electricity before, when talking to someone. I've never had a smile stuck on my face, when only thinking about a person. I don't exactly understand myself right now. I can't figure out if this feeling is lust, or love. I think I might be in love with you, but maybe that means I'm not. Because I imagine true love to be something you're just sure about. Right? That's what I hear everyone say, anyway. I'm sure that I love you, but I'm not sure if I'm in love with you. Maybe I'm just thinking about it too much. I think I am. I just never stop THINKING.

I'm so tired. But my mind keeps me up all night. I wonder, are you sleeping right now or out with her? My guess is her. 

Do you remember when I called that one time and told you I couldn't fall asleep? You whispered, "Okay, close your eyes." So I closed my eyes and you said, "now, think about nothing" and I laughed, "But we're always thinking about something."

"No no, literally think about nothing," you joked. I asked, "Like the word?"

"Yeah, try it out. You never know right?" I could hear the amusement in your voice through the phone.

I still can't believe you stayed on the phone until I fell asleep.

2:15 am

You're my best friend. I'm just confused about the way I really feel. Anyway, you have a girlfriend and I know you love her. I think that's why I'm not letting myself fall in love with you. I can't let myself. You should know though, it's really hard not to fall for you.

August 7th

6:40 pm

It's crazy how we talked from 11 pm to 5 am last night. I love how I can talk to you about anything, and tell you everything without feeling uncomfortable or nervous. I trust you. I hope I've made that clear. I feel like I've known you my whole life when it's only been about two years. I remember when we first started talking I thought you were the biggest a*****e ever. Turns out you just act like an a*****e to people you don't really know. But I actually liked that a*****e, because I saw something good in him.

I was right, there's really something good in you. 

I still get butterflies around you, at least they're metaphorical and you can't see them. 

You know man, when I tell you I love you, I don't mean as a brother. I can't help but love you, and I hate that it hurts more now to see you with your girlfriend. I don't know what's coming over me. I don't want to be "that girl" that ruins a relationship. Still, I smile when you talk about her and continue to tell you how cute you are together. The truth is, I only smile because I can see how happy she makes you. Seeing you so happy is what makes me smile. Inside I'm hurting, because I wish I could make you happier than she could. Love is a paradox, it makes us selfish and selfless at the same time. It makes everything clearer but somehow blinds us. I know why though, love and hate are very similar emotions that give us very different feelings. Love is loving and hate is hateful, but both are strong enough emotions to make us do careless things. Therefore, love is a paradox.

I'm listening to "if it kills me" by Jason Mraz and I can't even explain how much I can relate to it.

My little brother thinks we're dating. He doesn't understand that guys and girls can be best friends. He thinks that me having a BOY friend meant that they were my boyfriend. I don't blame him, he's only 8.

11:11 pm

I wish, that I didn't love you so much. I just want you to be happy.

"All I really wanna do is love you... A kind much closer than friends do, but I still can't say it after all we've been through." - If it kills me