Scene 7

SCENE 7.

(A creepy old house. JULIAN, armed with a gun, is holding CAITLIN hostage. Enter MAN carrying a painting.)

MAN.

Well, here we all are, in the creepy old house.

CAITLIN.

You came!

MAN.

Naturally, was there any doubt?

CAITLIN.

I was beginning to get a little worried then I realised the match must have gone to extra time.

JULIAN.

This is all very interesting, but I have a gun and that's not a diamond you're carrying.

MAN.

It's a Manet.

CAITLIN.

Are you sure it's not a Monet?

MAN.

(firmly.) I can tell the difference.

CAITLIN.

That's all right then, for a minute I thought you might have brought (with emphasis) the wrong thing.

MAN.

Look, it's the right painting. Trust me, I have everything under control. (Looks at watch.)

CAITLIN.

Oh really?

MAN.

(To JULIAN) Out of curiosity, why do you want the Verlinski?

JULIAN.

For a ring. I'm getting married to a very nice and obscenely wealthy woman, and you owe me for Mexico.

CAITLIN.

(becoming interested.) When's the wedding?

JULIAN.

We thought July

CAITLIN.

Good time of year. Who’s doing your flowers?

MAN.

Excuse me.

JULIAN.

(to MAN.) You're not invited. (To CAITLIN.) We are going to have the wedding and then I am going to retire to work in her father's business. He's one of the largest exporters of bananas in South America.

MAN.

(clearly worried.) Bananas?

JULIAN

Yes, why?

MAN.

No reason.

JULIAN.

(to MAN.) So there's no way you can mess this up for me.

CAITLIN.

(softly.) Oh you'd be surprised. (To MAN encouraging.) The diamond?

MAN.

It's a painting.

JULIAN.

We can see that but what exactly I am going to do with a Manet?

MAN.

Absolutely nothing. (Looks at watch, then loudly.) But she -.

Enter VALENTINA.

VALENTINA.

Good evening.

MAN.

Has a very good use for it.

VALENTINA takes out a gun.

CAITLIN.

Oh look dear, she's got a gun as well.

MAN.

So?

CAITLIN.

So!

VALENTINA.

Is that my painting?

CAITLIN.

Technically it's my painting.

VALENTINA.

Which you stole from a gallery in Berlin last August.

MAN.

(to CAITLIN.) You told me you were at a health farm.

CAITLIN.

I was, but I ran out of chocolate.

MAN.

Fair enough. (to VALENTINA.) Hang on a minute. How come you were living down the corridor?

CAITLIN.

Obviously, she's been trying to locate the painting for her client.

MAN.

Precisely, which means none of this is my fault!

CAITLIN.

Is that all you're thinking about right now?

MAN.

Hey! I'm not the one who has been living down the corridor from a psychopathic blonde with big -.

VALENTINA.

I'm still here and I've got a gun.

MAN.

With big ear rings (pause, innocently to CAITLIN) what did you think I was going to say? (To VALENTINA.) They dangle quite a bit you know.

JULIAN.

(to VALENTINA.) This is all very interesting, but do you have the diamond?

VALENTINA.

I have the diamond, the question is, does he have the right painting?

MAN.

The Manet.

CAITLIN, VALENTINA (in unison).

Monet!

MAN.

I know! I know! The yellow one with the purple squibble thing.

VALENTINA.

Near enough. Hand it over.

MAN.

I think not.

VALENTINA.

I could shoot you and take it anyway.

MAN.

And then Julian shoots you.

VALENTINA.

Or, I shoot you and my new friend here shoots your girlfriend and then we both take the items we want.

CAITLIN.

Tell me you thought of that one?

MAN.

Oh ye of little faith. Remember what I was telling you about creepy old houses?

CAITLIN.

And those nice men in the SWAT unit.

MAN.

Even as we speak hundreds of armed police are surrounding the building.

VALENTINA.

(Pause) I don't hear anything?

MAN.

They're surrounding the place very quietly.

VALENTINA.

That's very considerate of them.

MAN.

Any second now armed police will burst through the door.

Enter SMITH with a gun.

SMITH.

Evening all.

MAN.

Where's the SWAT unit?

SMITH.

I'm afraid what with the budget cutbacks and everything, there's just me.

MAN.

But at least you've brought a gun.

CAITLIN.

Which he appears to be pointing at you.

MAN.

(points to VALENTINA and JULIAN.) They're the bad guys.

SMITH.

It really depends on your point of view.

MAN.

I don't understand?

CAITLIN.

He's not really a police officer.

SMITH.

(to CAITLIN.) I was once, a detective, a very good one, but then your boyfriend got involved.

MAN.

And what did I ever do to you?

SMITH.

The Santasierres Folly, you stole it.

MAN.

It was the crime of the century, not that I'm admitting anything.

SMITH.

Did you ever take a moment to think how your little activities would affect the police?

MAN.

It's not my fault you're crap.

CAITLIN.

Sweetheart, try not to upset the nice man holding the gun.

SMITH.

Most of the detectives on your case were pensioned off or transferred. I ended up in Human Resources. Could have been worse, after all, nothing ever happens in Human Resources does it? But you couldn't just leave it alone could you? You just had to break into the files and have a go at the Assistant Commissioner.

MAN.

Didn't take it very well?

SMITH.

Let's just say it took some very nice foreign gentlemen to rescue me from the bread line.

CAITLIN.

Chinese by any chance?

SMITH.

Precisely.

CAITLIN.

Ha! (To MAN.) I knew it was your fault.

MAN.

How's it back to being my fault all of a sudden?

JULIAN.

Oh God! The Chinese cargo ship and the three Mexican ladies. I swear, it was all him.

MAN.

Thanks for that.

SMITH.

They've been after you for years. They really didn't like what you did to their ship? Which was what exactly?

MAN.

That's a good question. (Look to JULIAN.) Let's just say I don't have it.

SMITH.

No?

MAN.

No.

SMITH.

And then there's the matter of what you did to their agent?

MAN.

Who?

CAITLIN.

He means Frank.

MAN.

The dead guy? (Pause.) Why is everyone looking at me? I didn't do it.

SMITH.

Then who?

VALENTINA.

I'm afraid that would be me. But I'm sure our respective employers could come to some agreement as to compensation.

SMITH.

I'm sure they could.

MAN.

Question. (To VALENTINA.) Why did you shoot him?

VALENTINA.

I thought it was you.

CAITLIN.

There are days when I feel like doing that myself.

VALENTINA.

Your friend Harry told me when you would both be out, I started to search your apartment for the painting but I didn't get very far when I heard someone at the door. You know how it is, one thing just led to another and what is a girl to do?

MAN.

Still doesn't explain -.

SMITH.

My associate and I saw you both go in and when your girlfriend went out he went in to pay his compliments, except it seems you weren’t there.

CAITLIN.

He has a thing for bathroom windows.

SMITH.

(to MAN.) Is the body likely to turn up?

JULIAN, MAN and CAITLIN turn and look to spot where VALENTINA is standing. Who looks down and moves to one side.

CAITLIN.

Very unlikely.

JULIAN.

So basically, (to MAN with emphasis,) it's all your fault.

MAN.

Oh shut up.

JULIAN.

I have a gun.

SMITH.

We all have guns.

VALENTINA.

Except you two.

MAN.

But I (removing phone from pocket) have this.

SMITH.

A cell phone? And an old one at that.

VALENTINA.

I'd be embarrassed to be seen with one that old.

JULIAN.

If you had a monthly contract they'd give you a new one every year.

CAITLIN.

Trust me, I've tried to tell him.

MAN.

Maybe if I close my eyes and slowly count to ten, this will all be a bad dream? (Pause.) Pity. Anyway, as I was saying, I have this. (Waves phone.) It may be old but the reception is very good.

Enter HARRY who stands silently behind MAN.

At the other end of the line Harry is recording everything that's being said and she'll send the recording to the police if anyone gets any bright ideas. (To phone.) Isn't that right Harry?

HARRY.

Not Exactly.

MAN

(Looking at phone.) The reception on this thing really is good. (Looks to CAITLIN who points to HARRY.) Oh. (Pause.) I thought you two had broken it off?

VALENTINA.

We had. I didn't think it was a good idea to sleep with the management.

MAN.

Management?

HARRY.

(To CAITLIN.) He's not very bright but at least he makes up for it in bed.

CAITLIN.

Excuse me!

MAN.

(quickly.) She's just kidding.

CAITLIN.

About which bit? (To MAN. )When this is over you and I are going to have a serious talk about one or two things.

MAN.

Anyway, (to HARRY,) you were saying?

HARRY.

Basically, I'm a super-villain.

MAN.

Pull the other one. You're a -.

HARRY.

I know, we get everywhere.

MAN.

But you're a - .

HARRY.

Go on say it, I dare you.

MAN.

A United supporter.

VALENTINA, SMITH, JULIAN and CAITLIN shake heads.

HARRY.

Even super-villains have their hobbies. (Takes out a gun and points it at MAN.)

CAITLIN.

(sarcastically.) What a surprise, she has a gun too.

MAN.

(oblivious.) But you can't be a super-villain! Look, name one James Bond super-villain who was, (pause, looks to gun,) a woman?

VALENTINA.

Rosa Klebb.

MAN.

Ha! She was the side-kick not the super-villain.

HARRY.

Elektra King.

JULIAN.

Enough! The diamond!

VALENTINA.

(to HARRY.) He's getting married.

HARRY.

Then who are we to stand in the way of true love. (Waves gun from MAN towards VALENTINA.) Give her the painting.

MAN exchanges the painting with VALENTINA for the diamond which he then hands over to JULIAN.

MAN.

Now all you have to do is get out out of here without shooting each other.

HARRY and VALENTINA point guns at JULIAN while backing away slowly to exit. JULIAN using CAITLIN as shield points back, while also backing away to opposite exit.

Exit HARRY, VALENTINA, JULIAN and CAITLIN.

(Turns away, arms up in triumph.) God I'm good. (Does a little dance. Turns back sees SMITH.) I knew there was something.

SMITH.

My employers would like their ship back.

MAN.

Like I said, I don't have it.

SMITH.

That's unfortunate, for you. (Raises gun.)

MAN.

Maybe I could offer your employers something else?

SMITH.

(lowers gun.) Like what exactly?

MAN.

Some nice Imperial Jade.

SMITH.

Ming?

MAN.

Qing.

SMITH.

No. (Raises gun.)

MAN.

How about an egg?

SMITH.

Fabergé? (Lowers gun.)

MAN.

Yes.

SMITH.

Do you have it on you?

MAN.

No, I don't have it on me!

SMITH.

Pity. (Raises gun.)

MAN.

Will you please stop doing that!

SMITH.

But - .

MAN.

Yes?!

SMITH.

There is something they would like. Something that makes a statement. It's a painting.

MAN.

A painting? Not really my line.

SMITH.

Do you refuse? (Points gun.)

MAN.

Let's not be hasty about this! The painting?

SMITH

It's in Paris. The Louvre. The Mona Lisa.

MAN.

You've got to be kidding! Only a complete idiot would attempt to steal the Mona Lisa. (Pause.) Oh. Caitlin's really not going to be happy about this.

SMITH

That's your problem.

MAN.

But I can't do it alone.

SMITH.

You're girlfriend is the international art thief.

MAN.

Caitlin's a bit funny when it comes to the really old stuff. Any of the modern crap she's happy to steal, but a lot of the old stuff she thinks should be in a gallery.

SMITH.

I'm sure you can find a way to persuade her.

MAN.

How?

SMITH.

You could make an honest woman of her.

MAN.

I've tried, but she's as dishonest as I am.

SMITH.

A firm foundation upon which to build a happy union.

MAN.

Marriage? Don't you think that's a bit extreme?

SMITH.

You have the rest of your life to think about it.

MAN.

How long is that likely to be exactly?

SMITH.

We will give you until after the weekend to get the painting or the deal is off.

MAN.

And then what happens?

SMITH

We find the nearest wall and nail you to it.

Lights Down.