Scene 6

Caitlin wants to talk while the football is on.

SCENE 6.

(The Apartment. CAITLIN and SMITH, who is writing in his notebook.)

CAITLIN.

You're looking a little tired Detective. Must be from keeping us safe from dangerous criminals?

SMITH.

Something like that Ma'am.

CAITLIN.

(flirting.) Call me Caitlin.

SMITH.

(ignoring.) Yes Ma'am. Well, that just about wraps up everything. But there is one more thing. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

CAITLIN.

(brightly.) Oh please do!

SMITH.

Your boyfriend - .

CAITLIN.

(extremely disappointed.) Oh. You're going to ask me about him?

SMITH.

Yes. I noticed out of the window, could I ask you what is he doing downstairs in the storage area by the bins?

CAITLIN.

Let me squeeze past you (moves very close to an uncomfortable SMITH,) and have a little peek, (looks out of window, pause) oh yes. He's burning his underwear.

SMITH.

That's what I thought he was doing. Anyway, I think it's time I was going.

CAITLIN.

Can't I temp you to stay for a coffee or something?

SMITH.

No! I mean, I really need to going now, right now.

Exit SMITH quickly.

CAITLIN.

Oh well. (Begins to tidy up.)

Enter MAN.

MAN.

What did you do to that Detective Smith just now?

CAITLIN.

What do you mean?

MAN.

He came up to me, said he understood perfectly then he shook my hand. Why would he do that do you think?

CAITLIN.

I really have no idea.

MAN.

What time is it? (Pause.) Just time for a cuppa before the match.

CAITLIN.

Match?

MAN.

United. The Quarter Final. Do you want coffee or one of your herbal brews?

CAITLIN.

Have you had any more thoughts?

MAN.

Well, I don't think he should play a lone striker.

CAITLIN.

(very annoyed.) Oh for crying out loud! About what I said?

MAN.

Err? Remind me again.

CAITLIN.

Getting married?

MAN.

Well, err.

CAITLIN.

You do love me don't you?

MAN.

Is that a trick question? (Pause.) Just kidding. (Nervous laugh. Then cautiously) Yes?

CAITLIN.

Good. Then we need to talk about it.

MAN.

You want to talk?

CAITLIN.

Yes.

MAN.

Right now?

CAITLIN.

Yes.

MAN.

Couldn't it wait until half-time?

CAITLIN, extremely annoyed, starts walking away.

Where are you going?

CAITLIN.

Out! And I may be some time!

MAN.

You couldn't get some milk while you're - .

CAITLIN.

No!

Exit CAITLIN.

MAN.

Women. (Sits and starts watching the football.) Watch the overlap! No. No! No way! He dived!

Phone rings.

It's for you! (Pause. Not realising.) Caitlin! Caitlin, it's for you. (Beat) She's doing this deliberately. (Picks up phone.) We are both out, leave your message after the tone. (Puts phone down.)

Phone rings again.

(Picks up again. Watches 'football' while talking.) I said we're not in. Caitlin? … Kidnapped by Julian... pull the other one. ...I haven't got his diamond … tell him a blonde with big ...put Julian on. Now look sunshine. I know she's pissed about something, but is this the best you could come up with between the pair of you? . .. If you try anything like that she'll just kick the crap out of you. ...Do I want her back? (Peers at television.) No! What? … Not you! Where and when? Fine. (Enters another number.) Harry, it's me, have you got a number for Tina? You've split up? Why don't you tell me all about it. (Holds phone away from ear, watches football for a while.) Look, if it helps, it's not you, it's definitely her. Let me have her number and I'll give her a piece of my mind. I know, .... it's what friends are for. Yep, got that, now shut up and watch the football. (Phones) Detective Smith? We need to have a little talk.

Lights Down