Scene 5

SCENE 5.

(VALENTINA'S hideout. MAN wearing only underwear is handcuffed to a chair. VALENTINA is sitting opposite.)

VALENTINA.

Do you have it?

MAN.

Have what?

VALENTINA.

Is it safe?

MAN.

Is what safe?

VALENTINA. I

Is it safe?

MAN.

Hang on, I think I've seen this one. It's the one with Dustin Hoffman and Laurence Olivier, Olivier plays this really creepy dentist who (pause, then realises) oh.

VALENTINA.

And what happens next?

MAN.

You kiss me passionately and let me go?

VALENTINA.

You're not my type.

MAN.

Could I at least have my diamond back?

VALENTINA.

I think not. And now as they say, this is going to hurt you a lot more than it's going to hurt me.

MAN.

I've got an idea, how about I tell you everything I know?

VALENTINA.

I'm sure you will, in the end.

MAN.

How about I do that right now?

VALENTINA.

Why would I want to deprive myself of one of life's little pleasures.

Her phone rings.

Yes?...We got the Renoir and the Picasso you wanted in Paris (Pause.) The Monet? I searched her flat, but there was only a poor fake there... No, he hasn't got it.....I'm sure he does... Right now?..What about? .... And after? (Pause.) I see. (To MAN.) We will talk again when I return.

Exit VALENTINA.

MAN.

Looking forward to it already. (struggles with the handcuffs.) At this rate I'm going to miss the football. (Struggles some more.)

Enter CAITLIN

CAITLIN.

(watches MAN struggling.) Do you know for some women seeing their boyfriend in his underwear handcuffed to a chair would be a real turn on. Which just goes to show you, there's a lot of strange women about.

MAN.

Caitlin! How did you find me here?

CAITLIN.

I've told you before darling, I always know where you are.

MAN.

How?

CAITLIN.

With this (takes out phone,) there really is an APP for everything these days.

MAN.

I still don't see?

CAITLIN.

Like this. (Holds the phone close to the MAN'S underwear.) About four inches. Never mind a girl can't have everything.

MAN.

You've bugged my boxers! Hang on, how did you know what I would be wearing?

CAITLIN.

Hmm.

MAN.

You've bugged all my underwear! Tell me you didn't?

CAITLIN.

Why are you looking at me like that? I'm here to rescue you.

MAN.

Then you'd better release me. Right now!

CAITLIN.

Is that you trying to be all masterful?

MAN.

It's a suggestion, before Valentina gets back.

CAITLIN.

Who?

MAN.

You know, your neighbour, the blonde with the - .

CAITLIN.

(clearly annoyed.) I know who she is. And just what exactly has she got to do with all this?

MAN.

Apparently, Harry talks in her sleep.

CAITLIN.

Does she know?

MAN.

She soon will.

CAITLIN.

Do you have the diamond?

MAN.

Excuse me, couldn't we escape and then discuss everything else?

CAITLIN.

There better not be anything going on between you?

MAN.

I swear. Handcuffs.

CAITLIN.

Do you have the key?

MAN.

(firmly.) Do I look like I've got the key?

CAITLIN.

Don't you get stroppy with me, I was just asking. All right then, I'll do it the old fashioned way and use a hair clip.

MAN.

That never works in real life.

CAITLIN.

Who’s in charge of this rescue? Now shut up and let me concentrate. (Sits on MAN's lap and works on the handcuffs. Pauses.) And you can wipe that silly grin off your face. (Opens handcuffs.) You were saying?

MAN.

That's quite an achievement.

CAITLIN.

You're too kind.

MAN.

Speaking of achievements, you will be pleased to know I didn't tell her anything.

CAITLIN.

Did you actually know anything to begin with?

MAN.

Well, (pause,) no.

CAITLIN.

Not really much of an achievement then was it? While we are making our escape, we can talk about the wedding arrangements.

Exit CAITLIN.

MAN.

(looks about, rubs hands then realises.) Eh? What wedding arrangements? Caitlin? Hang on a minute! Caitlin!

Lights Down.