Scene 2

A misunderstanding.

SCENE 2.

(The apartment later same evening. MAN Enters.)

MAN.

It's me. You know what I was saying about creepy old houses, Well, Julian has this renovation job and you wouldn't believe what we did with Frank. (Pause.) Caitlin? (Pause. Listens) Are you having a bath? (Beat) All naked except for a few strategically paced soap bubbles. Well sweetie have I got a surprise for you.

Exit MAN. Off-stage cries out in alarm. MAN re-Enters quickly. He points off-stage. Enter CAITLIN

CAITLIN.

(firmly) And just what is going on now?

MAN.

Your bath.

CAITLIN.

Yes?

MAN.

There's a woman in it.

CAITLIN.

Yes?

MAN.

It's not you.

CAITLIN.

No.

MAN.

Who?

CAITLIN.

It's Valentina from number 6.

MAN.

(pause. Then realises.) Oh the blonde with the big - .

CAITLIN.

(quickly) Excuse me, don't you think you are in enough trouble right now? Question is, what were you doing in the bathroom?

MAN.

I thought I would -.

CAITLIN.

(gravely) I see. Go and eat your sandwich while I try to calm Valentina down.

Exit CAITLIN.

MAN.

(sits down and looks at the sandwich.) Cheese? (Pause. Sadly.) She knows I don't like cheese.

Enter VALENTINA.

(Jumps up.) I'm so, so, sorry about what happened.

VALENTINA.

It's perfectly all right.

MAN.

It is?

VALENTINA.

Caitlin has explained everything.

MAN.

She has? (Pause. Clearly worried.) What did she say actually?

VALENTINA.

Well - .

Enter CAITLIN.

CAITLIN.

Coffees everyone, sorry there's not a lot of milk, someone (stares meaningfully at MAN) forgot to get some, as usual.

MAN shrugs.

VALENTINA.

Thank you again for letting me use your bathroom.

CAITLIN.

Valentina's water has been off all day.

MAN.

Has it?

VALENTINA.

I called a plumber but for some reason he didn't show up.

MAN.

Probably some dead beat lying down on the job somewhere.

CAITLIN.

(Beat.) Anyway, let me get you the number of the one I use.

Exit CAITLIN

VALENTINA.

I feel I ought to confess.

MAN.

(quickly.)You really don't want to do anything like that. Oh! Sorry, sort of reflex, go on.

VALENTINA.

Your face, it's seems very familiar. Are you on television?

MAN.

I try not to be, but you're right, I am famous.

VALENTINA.

Really? I thought so. What have you been in?

MAN.

Surely you must have heard of me?

VALENTINA.

I'm sorry. (Embarrassed.) Are you really that famous?

Enter CAITLIN.

CAITLIN.

I'm sorry that took so long.

MAN.

I'm the world's greatest jewel thief.

CAITLIN.

What!

VALENTINA.

No! Really?

CAITLIN.

(touch of panic.) What are you saying?

VALENTINA.

And you?

CAITLIN.

I -.

MAN.

She's an international art thief.

CAITLIN.

Oh God!

MAN.

That's right isn't it dear?

CAITLIN.

I, err, well.

MAN.

No my love, let me tell it. She gets all embarrassed. It's the old story, handsome but much misunderstood hero, that’s me by the way, meets sexy art thief, that’s definitely her, he asks her on a date, but she pretends she’s not interested by trying to blow his head off with a very large gun. And for our second date we nicked something from the Hermitage. What was it again, a Monet or a Manet? I always get them confused.

VALENTINA.

No way! Is that really true?

CAITLIN.

(weakly.) No. It's what passes for humour around here. I'm an accountant, and he -.

MAN.

Works in sanitation.

CAITLIN.

Yes, I've known him talk complete crap for hours on end.

Lights Down.