06/18/17

Titles are tedious.

I need the room to stop putting on a show;

panoramic, pirouetting across the stage as I lie here

eyes closed, completely stagnant, stationary, static.

My brain won't cease to put on a performance

for the sweet solitary, for four barren white walls,

for the pedestal fan peacefully oscillating

whirling a crisp, cool breeze across my pale face.

I wish for a meager moment where your silhouette

doesn't daintily dance behind my drowsy eyelids.

A moment where I am blissfully unaware of the

divine caliber that is your ebullient existence.

Lonely mind of mine, won't you let the memories die

A slideshow on repeat, replaying, remembering.

Author's Note

Shout out to Ethan for helping me edit the last line haha :)

Reviews

[Davidgeo]

When I read this I thought of what's out there in existence orbiting around stars on a daily basis that orbit around other things based on other scales of time that orbit around other things in space and time whatever that is. Trying to think of where everything came from and or where it is going can be exhausting. Maybe existence is something that happens and unhappens on repeat over enormous amounts of time... each time a little different, with two of three events being certain events... birth and death and the in between being where random things happen, like sleep, sex, and eating mostly. I'm not sure what I'm saying though, I've been smoking grass all day.

I like your poem though, it really bakes the old noodle. I like your writing style as well. You and ethan did a pretty nice job on the last line. Well done overall Kelly.

[Relic]

Should there be a comma after the word solitary?

Those memories and screenplays in the head of someone you've been involved with are never-ending. They jumble up in the brain and make you dizzy.

Nice poem Kelly.

[Kelly B.]

I definitely feel like there should be a comma there haha.

Thank you

[Relic]

.............. Okay. :)

[Kelly B.]

Lol should there not be? If so, why? And how would I punctuate it correctly?

[Relic]

Solitary seems to be used here like a noun but I hear it like an adjective so I'm waiting for the next word?
The solitary.....what? Life? moments?

If it's used as a noun, it would be solitude.

Examples:

My brain won't cease to put on a performance
for the four solitary, barren, white walls,
for the pedestal fan peacefully oscillating
whirling a crisp, cool breeze across my pale face.

My brain won't cease to put on a performance
for four barren white walls as I lie in solitude
beneath the pedestal fan peacefully oscillating
whirling a crisp, cool breeze across my pale face.

[Relic]

The first example should actually have a semi-colon after the word walls.

[Dreambound]

I love the part,
"I wish for a meager moment where your silhouette
doesn't daintily dance behind my drowsy eyelids."

This holds such resonance when you close your eyes however the image still remains, good work!

[Kelly B.]

Ahh thanks so much for the feedback

[Ethan]

Great job, i love it ❤️ :)))))

[Kelly B.]

thanks love