Listen to listen

 

 

Seeing Cary relish on a big chunk of chocolate all crammed up in her tiny mouth,  mom Rita shouted across the hall reminding to rinse  mouth properly thereafter. "Sure mom", Little Cary replied in as much loud voice as Rita's. Like many other instructions kids get from elders, Cary too has many in her lot and this admonition was just one of the many that she received on a daily basis.
"Mom?" Cary called out. Rita turned around to face Cary at the door, her mouth and corners of lip still stained with the dark chocolate that she just had. Aghast, Rita went in to a harangue that made poor Cary wish she found some way out of this yet another miserable oration from her mom.
"Cary, how could you disobey me. How many times have I told you its for your good that we instruct you? Why cant you do a small thing as washing your mouth? I should never let you have sweets, you adamant child. Now, go and get your mouth cleaned before a single word proceeds from your mouth!"

"But mom...." Cary discontinued her justification as Rita turned back to the computer screen and continued on with her work as if ignorant of her daughter's presence there. Cary took tiny steps to the kitchen, picked up a bottle of mineral water from the lower racks. You see, there had been no supply of water from the taps and cary wanted her mom to turn on the water motor. If only she was given a chance to tell that!

Rinsing her mouth off, Cary pondered aloud 'Uh oh. Another one to put up with! I didn't ask her if I could use this for washing......'.

 

Author's Note

Please comment with utter honesty. Along with your genuine comment please mention a 5 if you think the writing is good but i can do better, a 4 if it is readily understandable with out any glitches, a 3 if it required re-reading or sometime to get the hold of it. Thank you.

Reviews

[Will Neill]

Anxia, a good effort once again. Some of the story seems to have been cut off by the screen border but I got the gist of it. I try not to rate storys I believe that some enjoy more than others so there is little sense in doing so. I would suggest with this story you refrain from using complicated words such as 'Admonation'',''Harangue'' 'Instruct'' ''proceed''--while they sound good they can be off putting. Simplitcy is better. Also you make silly mistakes like using the same words to often in the same sentence such as ''Mom?'' Cary called out to her Mom''--we already know she has called her so it would read better like this ''Mom?'' Cary called out. Rita turned to face Cary. Also take another look at the grammer and the use of capitals such as ''I''.
I always suggest reading out loud, this allows you to hear what we the reader are seeing.
Above all keep writing.
Take Care.
Will

[anxia]

Will, Thank you so much for your kind and helpful review as always. I think I have learnt is to look out for redundant words. I got to remember it while writing and editing too. AS for the complicated words, I used them to practise the usage of new words that I often try to learn. But I understand what you mean. Yes, I read elsewhere that reading out aloud helps to pick up the mistakes. Thanks once again for your thoughful review. I have edited it a bit for now.

[Will Neill]

You are most welcome.
Will