Away but were they distanced?

A Story by anvi

They are away from each other, both not sure if they are actually meant to each other.. She is waiting for him and he is waiting for the right moment.. Will they ever get together?

It was cold that night, not the type that needed one to be wrapped up in a blanket. It was more like the kind of cold that makes you crave for a hot cup of coffee and good music. She was making herself coffee, the kind of coffee that he liked, sweet. If only she was in Pune. It had been a week that she was in Mumbai. There was another 15 days for her new job to start, meanwhile she was spending some time with her extended family and visiting friends. Even though she was busy most of the day,she had started missing the coffee dates they had almost every evening, the late night chats outside her apartment and the once a while outings.
The last time they met she was packing her luggage to leave the city, at least for now. Her mother had come to help her and she was surrounded by all the ones she was leaving behind. 'Was this worth it' she had thought this to herself ever since she had taken up a job in Mumbai.
'It would be tough, but I am always there with you', sometimes he could say the sweetest of things - she thought to herself. Her dreams of writing on social issues in the country were more important for him, he wanted her to grow and live her life instead of getting stuck in a normal life in Pune.
"Are you going to propose her before she leaves the city" Ankita, her roommate in Pune and childhood buddy had asked this to him at ger farewell dinner. He did not answer, not that she expected any but his silence did not do anything better.
"Is he just a colleague or a friend?" Her mother had asked her the day she was leaving and she was restless cos he had not showed up at the bus station yet. "He is a good friend, ma" she replied back, knowing that her mother knew what the two were not ready to accept since long.
'Mothers -how do they get to know everything about their kids'
She had expected him to get a little inspired by train based movies and go on his knees at the crowded platform with a bunch of flowers. 'Life would be simpler if I just stop day dreaming and fantasizing fancy stories. I should stop watching those chick flicks' she said disappointedly boarding her train. He did not show up.
It was not like they stopped all contacts since then, apparently he had an assignment at the same time and due to no range his phone was not reachable.
"I cannot see her go" he had said this to Samiya - the one who played cupid in their not yet officially started love story.
"That is why you are here at my office, you guys are never getting anywhere with the relationship like this" she looked at him with her stern face on. She loved the two of them, he was her long time friend and she had an affection for her, she had trained her after all!
"I have to go to Mumbai, this time I will go there for my career and her." He had a sip of rum and coke deciding in his mind that this time he won't let go her.
Samiya smiled, that is what she wanted,him to inspired again in life and her pupil played a fantastic motivation. She remembered one of their conversations where she had told her,"You need to go, gain better experience there and work at better companies. As far as he is concerned, you leave and he would follow you. It is necessary for his growth, in life and as a person"
Thinking about what Samiya has told her the time they met when she needed advice with the change in city, she took a deep breath. 'Would he come?' She thought holding her mug filled with hot coffee, a much needed warmth and listening to John Legend, a much needed soother.

© 2016 anvi

Author's Note

Waiting for reviews to make my writing better:)

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Featured Review

Didi Portia

" - It was cold that night, not the type that needed one to be wrapped up in a blanket. It was more like the kind of cold that makes you crave for a hot cup of coffee and good music. - " Nice opening. There is a sweet - almost romantic narrative here that beckons me to keep reading. I like it.

Nice first paragraph. There are some nice feelings here. I appreciate those little moments alone in the minds of characters who let us (readers) in without restraints, in a smooth...palpable, inviting way. Often it is the 'thoughts' rather than the dialogue or actions that truly express the heart and souls of the characters we write. It gives them a complexity that actions or words simply cannot do. It gives them that beckon for that special 'someone'

" - "Are you going to propose her before she leaves the city" Ankita, her roommate in Pune and childhood buddy had asked this to him at ger farewell dinner. He did not answer, not that she expected any but his silence did not do anything better. - "

" - "I cannot see her go" he had said this to Samiya - the one who played cupid in their not yet officially started love story. - " This sentence is powerful. In so few words you speak a world of emotions, while provoking a sense of thoughts and questions that simply beg to be answered, as well as drawn upon.

" - "I have to go to Mumbai, this time I will go there for my career and her." He had a sip of rum and coke deciding in his mind that this time he won't let go her. - " I like this. It gave me a feeling of yearning, and when characters can do that to a reader, it is a good sign of plain old good writing.

With this short piece you invoke some deep feelings and certain desires--those human desires to be near, to be held, to be sparkling in the eyes of those we cherish and love; to have that age-old yearning of the heart and soul filled up with bright, sunshiny light and whisked away over some magical mountain of the heart and soul. When a writer can invoke such emotions with so few words and have the reader rooting for the character/s, wishing in the back of his/her heart that things work out for the best...then you as a writer are invested not only in the story but in your audience. This piece is done well. While speaking truly from the heart, with a driven and complex emotional need to be fulfilled in all the ways it so desires, this piece also feels as though there is so much more that it is not telling.

Very nice Anvi. I would offer a simple piece of advice by saying, go back and revise it. Give us readers more substance, more details and a larger picture. Fill it with more emotion and more scenes of their fantastic love story unfolding before our very eyes. There is a story here that is lacking the attention--the pursuit of attainable love through struggles and deep emotion that seem to want to be told in a more, patient, enduring manner. Give it that. Fill it up with more. More everything, you will not be disappointed with it no matter how hard things get between them if only at the end they are reunited. Especially after trial, distance, time and loneliness as a constant.

Revise it. While there are a few little things on a grammatical note to be looked over, you should simply invest more heart and time into this one. It has those qualities that true love stories hold close to their own hearts. Good stuff. If you revise it I will come back and give it a read again.. I like it.

On a final note: there are moments in the story that become a tad confusing where characters are concerned. If you were to clear up, exactly 'who' is speaking to whom, it will go a long way in adding a more fluid and dramatic tone. When writing (any story) always remember that it goes a long way in showcasing yourself as a writer (your craft and skill) if the reader doesn't stumble over the little things. Often readers will pass or become disengaged when he/she has troubling identifying one character from another. Offer names, and tiny (but effective) nuances that distinguish one character from another. A slight deviation i tone, will often relinquish the need to constantly have to say, "he said" or "she said."

Keep up the good work Anvi!

Posted 8 Years Ago

Nice first paragraph. There are some nice feelings here. I appreciate those little moments alone in the minds of characters who let us (readers) in without restraints, in a smooth...palpable, inviting way. Often it is the 'thoughts' rather than the dialogue or actions that truly express the heart and souls of the characters we write. It gives them a complexity that actions or words simply cannot do. It gives them that beckon for that special 'someone'

" - "Are you going to propose her before she leaves the city" Ankita, her roommate in Pune and childhood buddy had asked this to him at ger farewell dinner. He did not answer, not that she expected any but his silence did not do anything better. - "

" - "I cannot see her go" he had said this to Samiya - the one who played cupid in their not yet officially started love story. - " This sentence is powerful. In so few words you speak a world of emotions, while provoking a sense of thoughts and questions that simply beg to be answered, as well as drawn upon.

" - "I have to go to Mumbai, this time I will go there for my career and her." He had a sip of rum and coke deciding in his mind that this time he won't let go her. - " I like this. It gave me a feeling of yearning, and when characters can do that to a reader, it is a good sign of plain old good writing.

With this short piece you invoke some deep feelings and certain desires--those human desires to be near, to be held, to be sparkling in the eyes of those we cherish and love; to have that age-old yearning of the heart and soul filled up with bright, sunshiny light and whisked away over some magical mountain of the heart and soul. When a writer can invoke such emotions with so few words and have the reader rooting for the character/s, wishing in the back of his/her heart that things work out for the best...then you as a writer are invested not only in the story but in your audience. This piece is done well. While speaking truly from the heart, with a driven and complex emotional need to be fulfilled in all the ways it so desires, this piece also feels as though there is so much more that it is not telling.

Very nice Anvi. I would offer a simple piece of advice by saying, go back and revise it. Give us readers more substance, more details and a larger picture. Fill it with more emotion and more scenes of their fantastic love story unfolding before our very eyes. There is a story here that is lacking the attention--the pursuit of attainable love through struggles and deep emotion that seem to want to be told in a more, patient, enduring manner. Give it that. Fill it up with more. More everything, you will not be disappointed with it no matter how hard things get between them if only at the end they are reunited. Especially after trial, distance, time and loneliness as a constant.

Revise it. While there are a few little things on a grammatical note to be looked over, you should simply invest more heart and time into this one. It has those qualities that true love stories hold close to their own hearts. Good stuff. If you revise it I will come back and give it a read again.. I like it.

On a final note: there are moments in the story that become a tad confusing where characters are concerned. If you were to clear up, exactly 'who' is speaking to whom, it will go a long way in adding a more fluid and dramatic tone. When writing (any story) always remember that it goes a long way in showcasing yourself as a writer (your craft and skill) if the reader doesn't stumble over the little things. Often readers will pass or become disengaged when he/she has troubling identifying one character from another. Offer names, and tiny (but effective) nuances that distinguish one character from another. A slight deviation i tone, will often relinquish the need to constantly have to say, "he said" or "she said."

Keep up the good work Anvi!

Rating /100