Conflicted

A Story by annastoots

All I want is to be angry. To hate and hurt and show my wounds and inspire him to beg for forgiveness. I mean, isn't that logical? Isn't that what the cheat-ee gets to do?

I suppose it would be more logical just to leave, but if this is pain, I can't imagine what it would be with nothing. That's what it would feel like if I were alone, if I were alone when I had a second chance with my best friend, like nothing.

I should clarify, it technically wasn't cheating. We weren't technically dating. We hung out, kissed, he told me he had feelings for me but didn't know quite what to do with them. God... every time that thought comes up I can't help but argue, "He knew just what to do with his feelings for HER." Her being his ex-girlfriend. A girl I've grown to be friends with. She's actually the one that told me. And helped me fight with him when he lied and wouldn't admit they slept together the day after he and I kissed.

I want to scream and shout and stomp away and call him very bad things for the terrible few days I've had (and nights incomprably worse). I can't sleep, I can't focus, I hardly eat. I cry a lot, too. Sometimes not all the way because I have classes full of judgmental peers around me all the time, or worrying parents and friends, but it still counts.

I want to fight and hit, draw blood and scar... but at the same time I don't. I have almost sent so many messages, even almost called once. Those messages were mean, too. But they were almosts, and almost doesn't count for messages and phone calls in this story, just for crying.

We weren't dating. We were both very much alone (even though it took me until now to realize it). No real rules were broken. But it still hurts. He and I talked all the time, we shared secrets and jokes and Chinese food. I helped him get over her because, well, she did the same thing. They weren't together then, and she slept with someone else.

Good Lord, when did I enter the world of cheating being SLEEPING WITH someone? I must have missed the toll booth, because let me tell you, I've given nothing to that cause. Maybe I won't understand it until I do... But I don't want to do that either.

All I want is for it to have never happened. Oh no, I am glad that she told me. I think I deserved to know. I wish there was nothing to tell. I wish that even just us being friends was enough, that he thought about me half as much as I did back then, half as nicely as I did and still sometimes do. I don't want that to be past tense, either...

I'm a mess right now, and I haven't spoken to him in about two days. Just a lot of very angry almosts. And I think that today it won't be almosts anymore. I hope he actually shows up and I get to say what I want... I hope also that when that time comes I'll know what I want to say. Whether I want to tell him how I said I didn't care but I really do. How messed up it made me, all of the questions and doubts and disbeliefs I have now. How he acted hurt when I accused him... when he accused me of the same thing and it wasn't true about me! Hell, what I was accused of was way less and he called me things I blocked from my memory... why is it that when the situation's reversed, and he actually DID it... that I can't bring myself to blow up?

It would make me a hypocrite. I don't want to lose him. I'm not special enough that I deserve someone that won't ever make a mistake. All true.

"What is love, what is love? Is it giving up?" No. No it's not. But I do have the right to ask some questions.

Is that how you deal with stress? What else don't I know about when it comes to that? You outright TOLD her that we weren't going to happen, what the Hell was that about? Why did you lead me on like that? ...Are you still just leading me? Why is it that last time I tried to tell you I was jealous you just brought it back to our physical relationship? Do you even realize HALF of the damage you've caused?

Why is it that you've made no effort to even try to convince me you regret it? You don't, do you?

Right now the silence is worse than any of the possible answers. Maybe when I get them I'll know what to do.

© 2012 annastoots

Author's Note

This really isn't structured in any shape or form, just an outpour of a story, really. I also haven't any names for the characters, the story isn't really about names. Otherwise, let me know what you think!