Fear

What I am feeling, no human can understand, not even me, not you, not any of you who claimed will be there.

It requires a higher power, a bigger entity, an eternal, great entity, one that's always around, always listening, always witnessing. You, you're all I've ever had.

They drive you to the point where you start to believe and live with the delusion that you deserve less than you really do, they lead you to live with that, they lead you to live that, to become and feel something you are not. To feel like you're as worthless as you never thought you'd feel. And at this point- you lose yourself. Not even your own mind's quiet enough for you to reach some peaceful compromise between you and your stormy thoughts.

Time is so fast and wild it's devouring all the sanity left in me.

There is not so much in my hands and it is about impossible to rise from the ashes at some points, it feels like you -are- the ashes.

Everyday something new dies, some new emotion gets suppressed. Everyday, one more sound fades into the background. Each day there is another thing I learn to hate about myself. Each day, I am less tolerant. I am boiling with rage, rage at myself. 

Because it's only easy when there are things to blame for how you feel, and I can't help but find it fair to blame myself. For what happens to me. For what happened to me. For what is -going to- happen to me. Or them. Or everything in the world.

It's all me. My dying perspective, that I once vowed to myself I will build. My fear. Or fears.

Fears of everything, every step I take scares me to death. 

Every word I say holds me back. Every time I laugh I imagine how unlucky everyone around me is to be witnessing it. Everytime I crack a joke I am a step closer to hating myself entirely. I am at war with myself, and the problem starts here.

Where it ends depends entirely on what inspires me.

Note that I am about impossible to please or inspire.

So I'm relying on some sort of miraculous events to pick me up from the hole I dug my way through.

I need to set my thoughts and priorities straight. I need to remind myself of what I can do, rather than all the things I can't get right. 

I am sick and tired of giving others the authority to be able to control everything I feel all the time. You all are nothing to me. You know nothing. You are so shallow and everything you think is controlled by society, and I shouldn't let you in, shouldn't let you have that effect on me.

As I said. No human can help.

So dear God help me up.

Author's Note

Speaking my mind

Reviews

[Misterr Remeat]

I can't imagine what it is like to live as you do. I have no experience. I get a glimpse through your writing, keep speaking your mind
, All i can do is hope you find peace.

[Arwa]

Thank you :) It means so much