The Tale of The Flueries

A strange sensation that someone was watching crept over me as I climbed the rickety wooden stairway to my Grandmothers cottage door. The stairs creaked ominously as I paused to look over my shoulder at the dark, twisted trees of the forest that surrounded the house. The forests eyes were glaring at me as I slowly continued up the stairs. A noise sounded behind me, and trembling, I ran to the front door. 

I found my grandmother fast asleep in her rocking chair. She awoke when my foot found a creaky floor board. She opened her eyes and smiled at me. “Rosie, I’m glad you’re finally here. It’s been a long time,” she said to me. “I’ll show you your room.” I followed her down the hall way to my impeccably clean room with the view of her interesting garden I placed my luggage bag on the bed and looked out at the strange looking plants.  “What are they?” I asked my grandmother, pointing to the pink carrots.  “I’ve been experimenting,” she replied with a smile. “Make yourself comfortable and come to the kitchen for dinner when you are ready,” she said. I went over to the window and opened it. I stared out at the forest and thought I saw someone in the distance, but as I looked closer, I saw nothing. A cold breeze made me shiver and I quickly shut the window and made my way to the kitchen.

After dinner and a nice relaxing bath, my grandmother and I curled up next to each other on the couch, warming ourselves by the roaring fire. “Are you too old for stories?” she asked me. “Never,” I replied with an excited smile. Although I had heard this story so many times, I never grew bored of it. It was about two sisters named Agnes and Marthlen who were fleuries. They had small, iridescent wings and skin that glittered in the moonlight. Although they were immortal, they were always slowly ageing. The sisters were very different from each other. Agnes was kind and gentle, while Marthlen was cruel and aggressive. Marthlen had an obsession with staying young forever and had discovered an enchantment that would steal the youth of others. Agnes also discovered this enchantment and knew that her sister would have found it too. Agnes tried to reason with Marthlen, telling her that it was wrong to use such a terrible thing, but failed. This disagreement led to the parting of their ways.

 My imagination was interrupted by my grandmother’s words.” Well that’s enough for tonight, I am feeling tired.” She hoisted herself up off the couch. “Goodnight dear.”  She leant down and gave me a kiss on my forehead. As she walked away I too began to feel tired. I made my way to the bedroom and tucked myself into bed. I closed my eyes and instantly fell into a sleep filled with dreams of magic.

My eyes sprung open as I heard someone calling my name. Was I still dreaming? “Grandma?” I called out. But there was no reply. Thinking I imagined it, I shut my eyes again. I heard my name again. This time more clearly. It sounded as though it was coming from outside. I slid out of bed and turned on the light. I wrapped myself in the mint green dressing gown and slipped on the tartan patterned slippers my grandmother had lent me. I looked out the window and I saw a person. A young woman. She was looking at me. Was she the one who called my name? As she kept gazing at me, I felt drawn too her. In a trance like state I exited my room, walked down hallway, through the living room and out the front door. As the cold breeze blew, I walked directly towards the frightening forest.

 

 

My feet stopped suddenly and I awoke from the trance. It was dark. My eyes adjusted and I could see that I was standing in front of a very large tree. I was confused. How did I get here? I looked around and saw nothing but trees. I listened but could hear absolutely nothing. I walked around to the other side of the tree and found a door embedded in its trunk. I reached out to touch it and it felt smooth. My hand fell on the beautiful steel handle. It was in the shape of a flower. I pushed on the handle and went through the door.

I found myself in a circular room. There was a table in the centre and at it sat a beautiful woman with sparkling skin and golden hair. Moonlight shone on her from a stain glass window. On the table was a glass vessel, containing a beautiful red rose. It looked as though it was floating in its container. “I have been expecting you Rosie,” the woman said to me. “Please, come closer,” she beckoned.

I was strangely drawn to the rose and walked towards it. “Isn’t the rose just lovely? You can have it if you like,” the woman said. Entranced, I reached for the rose, and just as I was about to touch it, “NO!” came a shout from behind me. I instantly snapped out of the trance and turned to see my grandmother in the door way, “Agnes, we could have shared this one’s youth,” the woman at the table said to her.

My Grandmother rushed to the vessel and knocked it off the floor. It shattered on the floor and to my astonishment so did the rose. A shriek of terror filled the room. I turned to see the beautiful woman wrinkle and become old. I stared at her in shock as I realised the story my grandmother had been telling me since I was a child wasn’t just a story. It was real. I turned to look at my grandmother. She ran towards me and wrapped me in her arms. “I’m so glad you’re safe,” she said. “Come Rosie. Let’s take my elderly sister home and make her a warm bowl of blue lettuce and pink carrot soup.  It does wonders for the complexion.” I walked over to Marthlen and took her wrinkly hand. We walked back through the forest towards the house and a smile came to my lips. Fleuries were real, and I know two.

Reviews

[jiggumzac]

I've only been on this site for a week, and this is by far one of the best stories I've read so far. For example, there's a plot -- with a beginning, a middle and an end. There's character development, there's imagery and figurative speech, as well as interesting dialogue. That said, here are a couple criticisms/observations I had as a reader:

- What was the motivation for Agnes to share the story that particular night?
- Agnes has apparently told the story many times before, but why did Marthlen pick that night to lure Rosie?
- Didn't really understand what a 'fleury' is.
- If Rosie is the descendant of two immortal fairy things, isn't she also immortal? If so, is there a real danger to Marthlen stealing her youth?
- The rose apparently represents something, but it's hard to tell what. It's not mentioned in the fairy tale and the only clue we get is that the main character's name is "Rosie".
- Was there a significance to the blue lettuce and the pink carrot soup?
- The descriptions need work. What made the garden "interesting", and the room "impeccably clean"? I also found my self wondering why it mattered that the robe was mint green or the slippers tartan colored. It didn't seem to add to the character at all, and it just distracted me to what was going on in the scene. "...breeze blew" is another one that pulled me out of the story. Isn't a breeze, by definition, something that blows?

Great work here, but it's not finished. Keep it up!