Chapter 1: Into the Woods - Sara

7 Years Later

CHAPTER ONE: Sara

“Spoiler Alert: Everyone Dies.” I say as my slim fingers find their way into a half empty popcorn bag. The butter saturated paper coats the back of my hand as I grab a handful of the salty popcorn and dump it into my mouth. I smile at my best friend so hard, the kernels poke my cheeks. I taste blood. “Sara, calm down. I'm not finished yet!” Charlie replies, “They haven't even heard the rest of the story,” pointing her tanned fingers at the group of girls huddled around her. “Regardless, everyone dies. Also, it's terrible story, you should really find another one.” I smile a sly sort of smile towards Charlie, and then subsequently throw a handful of popcorn at her head. I burst into laughter as Charlie slams hard into my shoulder. We topple over, crashing into everyone else and causing a mass explosion of board game pieces, stale popcorn, and leftover pizza crusts. We're surrounded by a bunch of others who really don't matter,, looking up at the stars through the black mesh of the tent. I reach for Charlie's' hand and without hesitation or warning, Charlie opens hers, accepting the pale and thin hand into her darker one. Suddenly, there was screaming.

“SARA!! SARA!!”

The words come soaring down the hill, shooting through trees and grass, echoing down into the valley, eventually being swept away by the river. Mrs. Finch is standing on the edge of the hill, shrieking at the top of her lungs. I sit up, panic and fear shoot through my body, I look over at Charlie, the same expression of fear and bewilderment settles in on both of our faces, we've never heard her scream like that before. I frantically climb out of the tent, tripping on the stupid zippered doorway and slamming face first into the dirt. I'm staggering to my feet and immediately running, my feet moving before I'm even fully upright. I'm sure I look like a frightened woodland creature, scurrying away from the big bad wolf. Once successfully on my feet, I begin making my way up the hill towards my house and mother, little tiny tree branches whip at my face, leaving scratches like claw marks. But I don't care, something is wrong. I make it to the top of the hill and see my mother standing, clutching little Elle's stuffed rabbit to her chest and weeping as if the world was ending. “What is it, what's wrong?” I ask as I run toward her. “Elle is gone.” She finally chokes out, “We...we can't find her. She went looking for you and now she's just...gone.” Her voice crumbles with the emotion and weight of it all, she falls towards the earth, and is just left as a puddle on the ground. This woman that was once whole and beautiful, transformed into a feeble creature gripping a toy rabbit like it's her life support. Like it's oxygen. I look out over the void that is the forest and can't help but think of all the things that could kill a little girl. I want to cry out, to sink down in the dirt next to my mom but I won't. I refuse to be weak. I refuse to give up when it seems like everyone else has. Instead, I tie my long blonde hair back into a fierce ponytail and make my way into the house.

The Finch's live on a lonesome lot at the top of the hill on Spruce street, overlooking the Blackwick Forest, Town, and Beaches. Their house is an architectural marvel and is often whispered about in the small town of Blackwick, it is know as 'That big, weird looking house on the hill.' The patriarch of the family, informally known as Dan, is a highly esteemed architect in Portland, Maine and is rarely seen around the Finch household. He is almost always at work from dusk till dawn, usually only home long enough for a kiss before bed and a wave off to school until he has to drive the thirty minute commute into the large city. However, tonight he is not at work, he is home, on the phone, pacing back and forth in their unnecessarily extravagant living room. When Sara enters the room through the glass back door he looks at her with tears in his eyes, the look she finds there is something she doesn't want to ever see again. It's a look of hopelessness, of falling down into a deep dark hole, never knowing when you'll hit the ground or if you'll just keep falling for eternity.

I turn away from his crippling gaze, otherwise it would eat me whole. I run into the garage, grabbing a flashlight and tying on my blue running shoes. I bounce up and down, stretching my legs, getting ready for what I know will be the hardest run of my life, even though I run through those woods everyday, I've never done it at night, I've never ran without the sunshine as my defense against the perils of the Blackwick Forest. With all it's twists and turns, it's ancient tree roots rising up from the ground, begging to be tripped over. The instant shoreline that you haven't noticed for miles but all of a sudden you're right on it and you have to dig your heels into the dirt or else fall into the harsh pulsating water. I push the thoughts out of my mind and I focus on my baby sister. I shoot out of the garage and back through the living room, I'm outside before my dad can even look at me with his sad eyes. My mom is still a weeping mess on the grass, crying out “Ellie, where is my Ellie!” Charlie and the other girls are clustered around her, all but Charlie looking extremely uncomfortable, I'm sure they just want to leave but would probably feel terrible about themselves if they did. So instead, they just stand around the patio furniture, trying to look appropriately sad. This slumber party was the worst idea. She didn't like them at school, why would she like them now? Charlie is on the ground next to her mom, attempting to comfort her by stroking her hair and cooing a string of words meant to soothe but only really keeping my moms volume at a more manageable level.

“I'm going to go look for her. I have my cell, call me if you find her.” I say to no one but everyone at the same time. “Okay” I hear someone say but I don't really know who. Everyone sounds like everyone. I keep moving, jogging towards the hill, ignoring all the other girls who don't matter to me and focusing on the one that does. Elle. My baby sister. Only seven years old, out in the wilderness, probably scared and frightened if not worse. Injured, broken, dead. I can't even think of that or I won't be able to move. I careen down the hillside, pushing my legs harder, faster. Keep going. If I can keep moving I'll make it. I'll find her in time. I'm running on muscle memory, the dim glow of the flashlight barely making a dent on the dark forest floor. “ELLE!!” I shout out, “ELLE! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, SCREAM!” Silence. “F**k.” I keep going, every once in a while I think I spot little baby sister footprints but they look weird, human but not at the same time. I focus on breathing, in out. In. Out. Listen, I tell myself to listen to everything. Soak in the whole forest for noises that a kid would make. Pretty soon I've gone so far, passing everything I knew and into unfamiliar territory. I begin to wonder if I've already passed her somewhere along the way, or if I should start running in another direction until I hear it. It's so quiet that I think it might just be a bird, but no, it's not, it's her.

“Sara?” It's so small, like she doesn't want to scare me. I stop, and say “Elle, stay right there, just keep talking so I can find you”, and then I wait, so still, I can hear the wind seeping through the leaves, the moonlight wavers above me, highlighting the trees around me. Glints of light shine off the waves of the river as it roars to my left and I can hardly hear her when she says “Over here.” Her voice sounds like air and I have to keep asking her to speak up, I can barely hear you. I'm moving through the brush and trees, being as noiseless as possible so I can hear her soft voice over the cacophony of water. Pretty soon, I start to see the signs of life. A torn bush here, a piece of clothing there, baby footprints in the dirt, and then, I see her hair. Iridescent in the moonlight. Then I see her other features, blue eyes, pale skin, pink cheeks, grubby hands. But there is something else. More like someone else. Another girl. I catch her equally blue eyes, her black hair, so wild that I fear she's not even a person. And then, she's gone. Without a sound or a trace, just like she disappeared into the woods. I stand, looking at the place that the other girl was, then I run over to my sister and pick her up, squeeze her so tight and I'm crying, “What were you thinking, Where were you going, Who was that, Never do that again!” I say everything as if it's one word, as if a single feeling were being pushed out into a string of sentences. And she's saying “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get lost” And we're hugging each other on the ground, crying. I've ruined my pajamas and my face is cut all over but I don't really care. I found her. After a minute, we stand up. It's quiet and I almost don't know what to say to her. A few seconds of silence pass and I finally say, “Here, I'll give you a piggy back ride.” I bend over with my hands behind me. “Okay” She says in her voice of air and nature, and jumps up, digging her little feet into the palms of my hands. We start off in the direction I came from, I follow my destructive path of torn leaves and trampled bushes. My legs are screaming at me to rest and my lungs are burning but I don't say anything. I just keep going. One foot in front of the other. After a minute of walking I finally ask, “Who was that girl?” She doesn't answer for so long that I think she's fallen asleep but then I hear her say “I don't know, her name is Celia, and she lives here.” The way she says it is so matter-of-fact, like it's totally normal for little kids to live in the wilderness. Almost like she told me she met a new girl at school and she lives on our block. “What do you mean, she lives here?” I reply, trying to keep the curiosity out of my voice.”I don't know, I was trying to find you and I got lost. But then she found me and she started telling me about the wolves and how she lived at the bottom of the hill and how she liked to climb the trees and look at our house.”. I don't even know what to think. I wish I could say that she had just gotten scared in the dark and had made up a friend to keep her company but Elle's not like that. She's smart. And I saw her too. We make it back up to the house just in time to see a stream of cars, all the girls going home. All the police coming in. Charlie is still in the dirt with my mother, stroking her back. She looks up and say's “Well, would you look at that.” She's smiling and pointing towards us. My mother looks up, tears have ruined her makeup, it's sliding down her face like a waterfall and her eyes are bright red and so puffy. “Oh my god!” She screeches, kicking herself up and away from the earth and crashing into me. She hugs us both and kisses our faces, and then takes Elle off my back and holds her like she's never going to ever let go. My father comes running out and starts hugging them. I smile at them and make my way over to Charlie. “Where was she?” She asks putting her arm around my shoulders. “Far. I've never been to that part of the forest until tonight” I say wrapping my arm around her waist. I turn, my arm slipping out from under her and grabbing both her wrists, “I saw someone out there.” I say, my eyes staring straight into hers. I hold them there, looking for her reaction. Her eyes widen, “Like a kidnapper?” I shake my head, “No, like a little girl. She was with Elle when I found her and then she just disappeared. I've never seen anything like it.” She looks at me, reading my expression like a book. She knows me too well, she can tell when I'm lying and I'm clearly not. “Let's go upstairs.” She says. So we do, we walk in the house where everything just seems like a blur, we pass all the policemen who are making their way outside and we walk up the stairs, down the hall, into my room where I collapse on the floor and cry. But this time, I can't get up.

Reviews

[Brianna Wagner]

really lovely so far! i love your writing style, the prose borders on a bit flowery at times but mostly it's just riveting. you really captured that frantic tone in the middle of the chapter. it's really clean, i can tell you've done quite a bit of editing and revision. also the dialogue is on point foreal. really interested where you're going to go next.

check out something i'm working on, maybe we can swap reviews
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/bfwagner93/1387412/

[Annthrax]

Aw thank you so much! It really feels great to have someone acknowledge something you've been working so hard at! I've checked out yours, and wow, I'm about to right a review. Your very good. I would love to swap reviews, I'll hopefully have more up tomorrow or the next day :)

[Benitoo]

This story is good, but it could be very good or excellent. There's a dearth of descriptive power at critical points and sometimes you mix up the positioning of important details, causing confusion or lack of feeling at parts of the story that should be charged with it. The story itself is good though, and the connections between each character, as well as the connection between setting and plot, are all really good in essence, but it's up to you as a writer to make these things shine through words.
One example of mixed up detail placement is "Mrs. Finch is standing on the edge of the hill, shrieking at the top of her lungs." This is mixed up because Sara hasn't left the tent yet, so the image of Mrs. Finch standing on the hill is not one we should have just yet. It'd be better to focus on describing her dismayed shrieking and Sara's panic and fear (which you describe really well). This way, we're also left with doubt as to the condition of the person screaming, and can feel the situation more like it really is.

The best advice I have is to really put yourself in the story and spend a lot of time feeling and thinking about how you would describe everything so that it feels as real and intense as possible. Great job on making a gripping story though, and also great job on showing the relationships between every character and spotlighting the ones that need to shine. I like how you separated all the other girls from yourself, Charlie, and Elle, and I loved your run through the forest, where your sole focus is finding your sister and you don't care about anything else, and your encounter with Elle and hugging her and crying with her.

Last thing: edit edit edit! And revise revise revise. You have a lot of easy to spot and easy to clean mistakes that are bumps and stains on your story. As for revision, read through the story many many times and try to make the words fit the story perfectly (this is one of my favorite parts of writing and one of the most important too).

Here are some easy to fix mistakes to give you a head start:
“Sara, calm down, I'm not finished yet!” Charlie reply’s -- "reply's" should be "replies"
I reply, smiling a sly sort of smile towards Charlie -- you could simply write "smiling slyly towards (or at) Charlie," meaning the same thing and being more concise
The girls laugh together, Charlie slamming hard into Sara’s shoulder. The two topple over, -- why don't you say "my shoulder" instead of "Sara's shoulder"? idk if this is a mistake or you have a reason for it, but I think it would be better to keep referring to yourself as "I", and then instead of saying "The two topple over" say "we topple over", etc.
This woman that was once whole and beautiful, into a feeble creature gripping a toy rabbit -- great line, needs a verb before the word "into"

Good start and good luck!

[Annthrax]

Thank you very much for your excellent review! I appreciate the great advice :) It's hard to edit your own work and catch your own mistakes, I know when I'm writing I just try to get everything down and then edit as much as possible but it's still easy to miss the little things. Thank you again!