A Bucking Heart

First encounters of a young girl raised in a box.

Like many teenagers becoming adults, Jackie had begun questioning her upbringing and her mother’s ideals. She considered sometimes breaking the rules and being adventurous. Of course, her version of breaking the rules normally meant something like kissing a boy, staying out past ten, drinking coffee with more than one shot of espresso, or eating things like potato chips for lunch. Yet she did consider doing something far more adventurous sometimes. Maybe, one day, she would actually drink a beer or go past first base with a boy.

It was her first semester of college. Up until college, her parents had made her go to church every Sunday, be home by 9 o’clock even on weekends, had strict rules for dating, etc. She was so embarrassed by her parents requiring a boy to meet them first that she had only had dates for prom. These were guys that went to her church. Prom was extremely awkward because she would not dance during fast songs or close to the guy during slow songs. One cruel girl with a boisterous, hot pink dress had pointed out that Jackie reminded her of Carrie, that weird, psychotic girl that had that trick played on her where she was covered with pig’s blood before going on a homicidal rampage. It was some famous horror movie. Jackie’s night at prom ended soon after that because she didn’t want to be there anymore.

            Jackie wasn’t bad looking. She had plain, straight hair, glasses, a thin frame, and dressed, as some of the kids at her high school said, like a “female Mormon missionary”. She didn’t believe in dyeing her hair, wearing make-up, or using hair spray. Her bras were typically sports bras, flattening her chest even further than it was. She ignored the jeers she received for all this. In her eyes, she was doing the right thing by not tempting already hormonal teenage boys.

            Now, Jackie was sitting in biology ten minutes early like usual. She had her fifteen pound biology textbook, a planner barely small enough to fit in her backpack lengthwise, a huge binder overflowing with notes and charts and even her biology lab notes in case she had missed something. Most of the students around her either didn’t have anything with them, or simply had a notebook and pencil. Even those with notebooks hardly took notes, simply zoning out watching the teacher once the class would start.

Full attention on her Mitosis notes, Jackie secluded herself in the room. She didn’t need to study, she had learned it many times before. She was well trained for perfection, mostly due to a crippling fear of failure. She couldn’t handle a bad grade on a quiz or test, let alone take say a “B” or “C” in a class (God forbid should she get an “F”). In high school she graduated with a 4.8 grade point average made possible by taking many AP, or Advanced Placement, classes where an “A” counted for more than an “A”.

            As she looked over her notes, focusing on the different stages involved in Mitosis, she heard a new voice in the room. She looked up to see a young, well-dressed man with closely-trimmed facial hair talking to her professor. She had never seen him before, which surprised her because she scanned the people in her class often (a habit she picked up since she took Psychology in high school). She stared at him, noticing that his eyes were a piercing, icy blue even from a distance. He turned to look at her.

            The intensity of his gaze was like none she had experienced before.  It was like really looking anyone in the eyes for the first time in your life. Her eyes immediately dropped to her paper but she could feel him watching her. She imagined a red dot, like one a sniper’s scope would leave if they were aiming at her, striking her square in the face. When the feeling faded away she glanced up to see the strange man turned away. A soaring sensation burst through her stomach as she watched him. Then a horrid, but familiar tingling gripped her legs. She immediately began studying, thinking, “The devils in-between my legs…”

 

            When class started the stranger addressed the class as Alexander Wilhelm. He made a small joke of them being allowed to call him Alex, explaining he was student teacher and didn’t feel justified being called “professor” or “Mr. Wilhelm”. He said he would be leading discussions for part of the semester. For the first time all semester, Jackie did her best to ignore her teacher. She didn’t look up or answer his questions; she simply listened to his voice and took notes. She thought he sounded vaguely like Clark Gable as Rhett Butler in “Gone With the Wind”. When class was over she packed hurriedly and escaped without looking up.

 

            In between classes Jackie ate at one of the school cafeterias. It was pretty recently built and made her feel like she was in a hospital. The building housed many classrooms. She liked to imagine these rooms as different parts of the hospital:  surgery, maternity, extended care, etc. The lunch area often felt like a waiting room with people milling around in-between news and appointments.  She took her time here to catch up on recreational reading and to people watch. She was sitting, minding her own business as usual, when she heard that seductive, handsome voice beside her. It was like hot chocolate pouring into a big mug.

            “Are you always so shy in your classes?” Alex said.

            Jackie gripped her legs together, silencing whatever lay there before it could roar. She turned to him, trying to ignore the waves of some trendy, delicious cologne coming off from him. An image of those Axe commercials where the women rip off the man’s shirt threatened to invade her, but she shook it off.

            “I-well, I am just a good listener is all.”

            “You know,” he scooted slightly closer. His hair curled above his ears and she stared at this instead of his mesmerizing eyes. “The more you talk in class the better your grade usually is. The professor may not admit it, but they like people to participate. Especially in a boring class like biology. Even if it is just a little eye contact.”

            At this she mumbled something about not needing extra points.

            He paused, watching her shift in her seat. “Maybe teachers just like attention from cute girls anyways.”

            This one broke her concentration. She was stricken with his audacity, hearing her mother’s voice cry foul in her mind that a teacher would be there for attention, not teaching. Before she could begin to decide how to retaliate he winked, the dark side of the moon sliding in fast to cover the glare of the moon and then fading away. He slid out of his chair and walked away with his hands in his jean pockets.

            What she realized really shocked her was not his level of rudeness, but that she didn’t think he was wrong to say that. In fact, in her stomach, her freshly eaten bagel seemed to have cocooned and transformed into a butterfly, causing her to float away on wings too light to support her.

 

            The next day she caught herself tucking in loose strands of hair, putting on her favorite light blue, long sleeved shirt, and adding a headband in order to look more appealing. She considered make-up but thought that it just made her look like a doll. As she looked in the mirror she thanked God for a clear complexion. At least she didn’t have to worry about pimples.

            When she got to class she couldn’t help but vigilantly flick her eyes to the door whenever someone entered. Alex didn’t come in until right before the class started. When he strolled through the door he was wearing a nice, plain sweater. He looked just as grand as before. She was afraid he would have lost some of his brilliance- that she had made it up. She sat close to the aisle he would come through so that she could smell him. As he walked by not only did she get a breeze of that modern man scent, but he looked down at her. He seemed to do a double take and smiled brilliantly, offering up fairly white teeth. She wondered vaguely if they were not perfectly white because he drank coffee or smoked. Privately, she prayed it was because he drank coffee. She could live with that. Coffee at least tasted good. Cigarettes on the other hand… well, she hated the smell and the idea of kissing someone with bits of ash in their mouth disgusted her.

            She didn’t know what had come over her. Only the day before she had ignored him completely, but now she sat listening to him with rapt attention. There was something different about this guy. He was handsome, intelligent, dressed well, seemed pleasant and nice, and had even noticed her! For a moment she laughed at herself, thinking of that silly, romantic Twilight series and how Bella described Edward. It seemed pretty similar to this.

What fascinated her here was that she knew there were gorgeous girls in her class. Girls with blonde hair, blue eyes, highlights, perfect clothes, and high heels. Girls that listened to Beyonce.. Why would he want her? She still had a sixth grade-style wardrobe.

 

After class she went to her professor’s office. She hoping to talk to him about an assignment and what kind of research she would have to do, but Alex was in the room. He was alone.

            When he saw her enter, he flashed those almost brilliant teeth again. His eyes seemed so cold they could freeze her in motion. She remembered vaguely a Batman movie from the 90’s with Mr. Freeze and the way his eyes looked like brilliant snowflakes. This was even better.

            “Hey! Professor Henderson isn’t here. What can I do for you?”

            “I had a question about this assignment.” She sat down next to him, awfully close. The danger of the situation sent flashes of warmth coursing through her. She thought it would boil through her veins. She pulled out a piece of paper to show to him.

            “I don’t know what kind of research he wants here. Some teachers require sources only from scholarly journals in their subject. Do you know what he wanted?” she said.

            He looked down at the assignment, gently taking it from her. She noticed that his fingernails were nicely kept, short, and clean. He studied it for a moment.

“I think he just wants something that you obtained through the school library. You can go online and access their catalog. Do you realize this assignment isn’t due for another month?”

            She stumbled here. “Yuh-Yes. I like to get an early start on things.”

            Intensity returned to his eyes. He slid the paper back in front of her. “Why did you really come into the office today Jackie?”

            She wasn’t even startled he knew her name. It sent something through her that she thought of as an electric feel. He had looked her up. He was just as interested. He continued to look at her, raising an eyebrow to emphasize his question.

            “I- I don’t know what you…muh-mean. I came for class.”

            He slowly moved towards her. His hand reached behind her and closed the door. His face was too close. That smell came off from him like a morphine gas, causing all of her muscles to loosen. He hovered there, tauntingly, until she kissed him.

            She had never kissed like this before. He was everywhere. He pressed her up against the door, his hand in her hair. She couldn’t keep much track of what was going on. There was no thought process. She simply reacted. It was only as he moved to her chest that his nerve seemed to break. His hands caressed the curves slightly hidden by her sports bra there for mere seconds before they dropped to his sides.

            He suddenly drew away. She stood there, recovering from their assailing. For a moment she didn’t notice his hunched appearance. He held a hand up to his eyes. She moved slowly towards him… that burning she hated so much before now having a delicious, powerful quality to it that he mother no doubt would be afraid of.

            “Is everything al-“

            “Get. Out.”

            She could not believe what she was hearing. His words reached her like a record that had been slowed down in tempo, causing a deep resonance “Geeeeeeet Ouuuuuut”.  Shock did not overtake her. She didn’t think at all, she only felt a rejection that was entirely new to her. She had finally opened up, rebelled, and this was the last reaction she expected. She turned, grabbed her bag, and ran for it.

 

Laying in her dorm room Jackie stared at the ceiling listening to some classical music. Clutched to her flattened breast was stuffed animal horse. It looked well loved, with most of the mane and tail in tatters from years of cuddling and playing. She curled her fingers around the soft nose, velvet instead of plastic, drawing solace from it. The tones of a vibrant violin concerto swallowed the room. Her mind was a myriad of questions. As a girl, she naturally questioned herself. Was she not a good kisser? Were her b***s too small? Was it my stupid sports bra? Was it because she was a student of his? That would explain it. She had finally allowed some passion into kissing and look where it got her. Her thoughts naturally went to a trial by the devil, but she shot this down not wanting to hear her mother.

When her roommate got back for the night she acted as if everything was okay. They joked about their favorite TV show, a teen drama, and turned in early. Jackie ended up sneaking into the bathroom in the middle of the night to take Nyquil in order to get some rest.

 

In the morning, she didn’t allow herself to question anymore about Alex. It was becoming an obsession. She went through her day as usual, random thoughts pervading her concentration every so often (like the way his lips curved just right around hers). She took notes with purple ink in an attempt to keep her attention on her paper, but his face kept floating in to rattle her. After a while a part of her started to wonder if she had even kissed him. It could have very easily been a dream conjured up by a lonely college student who had found her student teacher appealing. Similar things had happened to her before. She had seen a cute boy at the coffee shop one day and that night had a dream about him romancing her over a candle-lit dinner.

As the teacher in her current class excused them she caught herself having to double take on which class she had even been in. “Duh, English,” she thought. “What is wrong with me?”

While she walked she found herself even more caught up in her thoughts. She was so frustrated with how easily a boy, well an older-boy, had taken over her mind. She had heard of this happening. “Didn’t the owl in Bambi call this ‘Twitterpation’?” she wondered. As she pressed outward against the heavy glass door of the building to walk home she felt her body collide with a foreign object.

To her horror, it was Alex. His eyes were troubled and his voice broke as he spoke, “Jackie! Suh-orry!” He quickly gathered her things that were scattered along the ground, mostly pencils and random bits of notes. He leaned up with a sheepish smile on his face.

She felt as if she was seeing someone who she had committed a crime against. Her feet burst with energy, ready to book it out of there, but she found herself staying in one spot. It caused a strange ache to wait there. Her teeth clenched slightly. She suddenly found herself flaring up with anger. He was acting as if nothing had ever happened between them! Was she right? Had this all been a dream?

“Look, Jackie. I want to talk to you. Can we get coffee?” he said.

A sigh came from somewhere within her, but cut it off as she thought maybe he wanted to talk to her about class, not the night before. She nodded, keeping her silent-treatment rolling. She kept her mouth tight, like a pout. Alex looked uncomfortable but turned, still holding her things for good measure, and walked back down the stairs leading into the heart of the building. She tried not to notice the way his neck muscles stood out over the collar of his shirt.

Standing a fair distance apart from Alex, Jackie didn’t want any coffee. She didn’t tell him this, just shook her head as he asked her if he could buy her one. She sat down at the table, glaring at her things in his hands. What did he want with her? She was dying to know. Somewhere deep down she had to know it wasn’t all a dream. The idea of him bringing her here for something else could have driven her to madness. She looked around the coffee room. There were small, round tables with trendy curves that were typical of such a place. The smell of coffee permeated the air, attaching itself to everything and everyone that entered.

Wait, coffee! As if a switch had been flicked in her mind, Jackie felt a blooming in her chest. Alex was a coffee drinker! It wasn’t completely ruled out that he smoked, but the chances seemed lower to her that cigarettes were the reason for his off color teeth. She felt her mood subtly shifting as if someone had stuck a happy gas mask over her face. Was she about to be injected with Novocain?

Alex made his way to the table and set her things in front of her. When he saw a brighter look on her face he relaxed. “Good to see that pout wiped off from your face.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said. She fidgeted in her seat, wiggling her feet in annoyance and impatience. They didn’t quite reach the floor, so they swung in the air.

“I have to do homework. What did you want?”

He stared at her. She had to look away. Suddenly those dreamy eyes were all too focused on her again. She found herself examining a table ad that showed some specialty drink on it.

“Jackie, I want to apologize for my conduct last night. I didn’t know what to…do.”

She tried to fight it, some stubborn part of her wanting to remain mad, but instead a smirk creeped its way onto her lips. She kept her eyes cast down but nodded slightly.

“It just didn’t seem appropriate-“

A high pitched giggling filled the room, cutting Alex off. A woman looking in her early thirties had just walked in with a her daughter hanging on her arm. The little one was a girl with blonde pigtails, bright bow barrettes, and a garish dress with flowers dancing on it. Jackie took this opportunity to look at something else. She noticed a little Polly Pocket set dangling from the girl’s wild hands.

The table had fallen silent. Alex still wasn’t talking. He had turned to look at the girl, but his body had tensed. She wondered what it was, before he turned to look at her. A pained expression shown on his face, and he said, “Jackie. I don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t do anything then. I got it.” A bubble of anger floated in her words, bursting at the end as she looked solemnly back at the little girl, who was now dancing out of the coffee shop singing some Disney song.

“Jackie, I do want to see you. It’s just going to be hard on me.”

That sniper-dot feeling was back. She looked deep into his eyes, searching for something there that seemed just out of her grasp. She felt her mood softening like a cookie she had placed in the microwave to revive that fresh-baked quality.

Shifting in his seat, he tried to smile. He was obviously nervous. This gave Jackie a slight sensation of power.

“Well, I had better let you get to your homework.” He stood, brushing his hands down over his hips to tuck them safely into his pockets. “I will see you in class tomorrow.” She thought for a moment about asking him for a kiss, a bright flare of excitement rolling through her, but he excused himself too soon.

 

The next day she dressed in her favorite blue skirt, a long sleeve white shirt, and threw her hair up into a high ponytail. When she reached class Dr. Henderson said Alex wouldn’t be there that day. She wondered vaguely at this for a moment before he made the excuse that Alex was sick. “It must be that Swine Flu! Oh no!” she thought. She didn’t even think about if she would have caught his sickness, but instead pondered how she could find him to take care of him. Maybe she could bring him soup! She went on day dreaming about nursing Alex back to health for the rest of the hour. She off-handedly took notes but didn’t look at them. Her hands were well adapted at writing down facts, they didn’t need her help. They did their job on their own. By the end of class, however, she just gave up and decided she would see him the next class.

 

            A day went by and it was time for Biology class again. This was her Monday, Wednesday, Friday class. She had it three times a week. When she got up the first thing she normally did was shower. This morning all she wanted was caffeine and a newspaper. Jackie had dreamt the night before that Alex never came to class again. Her fears had leaked into her morning. She thought maybe if she read some encouraging local story, maybe a hero had saved someone from a fire or something cliché like that, she would feel better. Maybe this sense of gravity would go away.  

            Avoiding coffee, it made her think of his less white teeth, Jackie instead got a Coke. When she sat down on her bed to read the paper she saw the headline but it took her mind much longer to register. LOCAL TEACHER WILHELM ARRAIGNED FOR CHILD ABUSE. Her eyes went right to the picture. It didn’t register at first that it was him. For once, Alex didn’t look so attractive in the slightest. He didn’t look like a Johnny Depp character like usual. This time, he frowned at the camera, anger burning from those seductive eyes. Her eyes wandered about the article at a pace quick enough to make her dizzy. She saw random bits of information.

 

-Wilhelm refusing to comment.          �"pleaded not guilty             

                                  -multiple children involved.          �"sexual abuse

                      -local police refuse to release more information at this time.

 

Jackie set down the paper, sitting quite still. Her mind raced as she tried to get a grip on what the paper was telling her. A small sense of fear, like an itch, rippled through her before she frowned in anger. This just could not be true! She didn’t consider the possibility any further, but instead got ready for class like usual in a state unknown to her. She was like a cast; cold, hard, not allowing these words to penetrate.

            When she got to class the professor was standing up front looking nervous. This did not set off any alarm bells. Of course he would be nervous. His student teacher was accused of molesting children. When he got up to speak as class started she smiled, completely calm.

            “If you have not already found out through the news paper this morning, Mr. Willhelm has been let go from the University. That is all we will say on the matter.”

            She continued to flow along in her wave of denial. He may have gotten fired, but that didn’t make these ridiculous accusations true. A handsome man like Alex wouldn’t need to do that. Behind her one of the blonde girls was whispering to her neighbor.

            “So guess what? My dad works with a national television chain. He helps to direct a lot of those detective shows. The police set him up. I guess in another city he lived in he was accused but acquitted. They caught him on one of those ‘To Catch a Predator’ things! My dad directed it! He’s going to be a hero around here for helping catch the child molester. And to think, he sat here all this time talking to us like a normal person!”

            Jackie felt her fingertips and toes go numb as the blood rushed to her bucking heart. She had no comprehension of what to think. Before she could help it, flashes of the last few days pervaded her. She heard him saying, “I didn’t know what to…do” when he talked about their encounter. Of course he didn’t know what to do! He must have only ever had relations with children. She saw the way he had stared at the little blonde girl in the coffee shop and how his attitude immediately changed. She saw the message that was hidden behind his eyes at the coffee shop, and heard his voice in her mind, “I wanted to want you…”

She then saw herself with her child-like headband. She saw her awkward attitude, like a little kid meeting a stranger for the first time. She saw her long eyelashes devoid of mascara and cheeks rosy red from no cover-up. She saw the way he drew away right after touching her b***s, too large for him even through the workout bra. She knew why he kicked her out, finally. He would have never touched breasts in sweet seduction. She also saw her kicking feet at the coffee shop, like a child waiting for their parents.

And then all of this wrapped itself in her mind. Each piece slowly connected, clicks resounding through her like the slamming of jail-cell doors.

            He had only thought he wanted her because she was like a child.

Author's Note

Whew! Sorry this thing is so long. I worked really hard at it last semester. I was trying to get a feel for a different style of writing. Oftentimes in my stories I write about something either supernatural or horror, but I wanted to do something that seemed a little more real to me. Kudos to anyone who took time to read this! I really appreciate it.

Reviews

[creatorx2]

The story was definitely a bit long, but it was engaging. The last line jumped out at me the most, it really made me think.
However, I'm not entirely sure that the 4000 words leading up to it were all absolutely necessary... it would have worked just as well with 3000, or maybe 2500. But the length wasn't too bad, especially not compared to books like Master and Commander.
All of the details in the story really made this one for me. You seemed to pay very close attention to all of the clothes that the main character wore, and the little ways she moved and talked. It brought her to life in my mind, vividly.
The fact that he was a pedophile certainly disturbed me. I almost put this aside at that point, but forced myself to read to the end. It made sense when it was all explained, but it still bothered me a little. The ending was great, though.
I think that this was a good story, but a lot of things weren't necessary... I'd suggest shortening it, even a little bit, to make it more accessible. Otherwise, I quite enjoyed it. It deserved the award, certainly.
Thanks for the read.

[grady sedgwick]

good, clear writing. nice flow, and the story held my attention. my only suggestion is that the set-up was a little long, all the background information about jackie. maybe consider getting to the story a little sooner. good job, though.

grady

[Natalie]

I really like the way this story turned out. I'm not one for a happy ending, and I was wondering just where it was going and then I HAD to know. So mission accomplished. Good write.

[Devons]

I found this fairly absorbing to read. It was never clear at any one time exactly how it would end. There were clues, but many possibilities. Seeing the action pan out through the perspective of the girl, Jackie, made you look for the 'bright side' in all this, whereas in the end there wasn't one. Although it could be said that Jackie did achieve some form of sexual emancipation and coming-of-age through this bizarre incident. Ironic that she should get this from a brief moment of misguided passion with a misled paedophile...!!
In this sense it is quite a disturbing story - it reminds me a little of a play called Brimstone and Treacle by Dennis Potter (you may not have heard of it; it was very controversial in Britain and was banned from broadcast). In this play The Devil in human form befriends a family with a severely mentally and physically handicapped daughter, who is in her 20s. While the parents are out, he molests the girl and eventually his atrocities cause somewhat of a cure in her condition..

There is a strong affinity in meaning between this and your story, I feel.
As for the technical side of the narrative, I think the way in which Jackie is portrayed and described is very lucid and sympathetic. It is a deceptive story and has an important meaning - in fact, the way it is presented, it could be taken on several levels.
Overall, very good.

[Dutch Jr.]

I can honestly say this was a GREAT write. I can tell you felt the emotion of your main character, because it showed through your writing. I loved the psychology you clued in throughout the story, and then capped it off at the end. I loved you descriptions and your witty storytelling style.

I did spot a few typos, but as I was reading I ignored them because the writing hooked me. I'll give it a quick read through for grammr and typos later.

[TTBoy28]

Oh My G...! I am so glad that I didn't cheat and look at the ending before reading everything else. To think, the lengths we ALL go through for attention. Carrie was childlike and was laughed at. Jackie thought her life was boring - only to discover that she was a pedophylle's blessing as she tried to cover her womanhood.
In each story, the abuser paid for their abuse in the end.
I give you KUDOS for a great write!