The Bill

"HA HA HA"

is old, tattered, and soft in my hands.

 

The tape holding two torn pieces

together, like desperate fingers clinging

to a railing, tells me that a young girl

snapped it too excitedly.

 

The off-color blob over the one

consumes the number like The Mist

and gurgles to me that a child blew

a sneeze to decorate it.

 

Scrawled on the side like a billboard

is an invitation for the unknown

receiver to call “Ashlyn”, the cashier

from Costco, where the bill was once

suctioned up a tube like one in a bank (fancy).

 

The mini-mountains of crinkles that

cover its face and rear grumble of

that child who scrunched it's clear face

and chucked it at a candy store clerk.

 

They speak to me, telling a story

of diseases spread, bodies touched,

people bought, and things seen.

I have never been so captured by

a piece of paper. I sit at my desk,

contemplating it, before I add

a twist of my own.

 

It begins with a grin scratched over

George’s mouth that hides, then

grows into circles that drown out his

delicate eyes, and finally the word “HA” is

written repeatedly-

 

you have been jokerized.

~Annette Jay Sweeney~

Author's Note

I wrote this for one of my creative writing classes.I've had a fascination with the travel of money for a long time.The last part refers to The Joker from Batman, and I actually "jokerized" a dollar. This is the second version of my poem. I want to know in particular you think of (fancy), the accidental rhyming going on in the last stanza, the fact that the title is actually the first line and whether or not it is too bland, and if you know what I mean by jokerize and whether or not this could turn away audiences.

Reviews

[Antonio Valentino]

This poem not only makes dollars, it makes sense. With inflatation our money is quite a joke isn't it? I mean I couldn't lost right now if it cost a quarter to go around the world. Heck, I can hadly afford to pay attention.

Annette, I loved this part"

They speak to me, telling a story
of diseases spread, bodies touched,
people bought, and things seen.
I have never been so captured by
a piece of paper. I sit at my desk,
contemplating it, before I add
a twist of my own.

Your creative mind never ceases to amaze me.

One extremlely, worthy, poem!
Antonio

[mcg03002]

Hey Sweeney,

I see you made a few changes, and I think they are great. This is such a cool piece of writing! :-)

[Rodrick Franklin McLare..]

No never, humor is a form as any other. Me, I think Poetry cover a lot of turf and is as different. As the people that sit and place these lines, stanza's classical or not, rhyme or. No. It need not have a rhythm if that's intentional. Of course, it take half a heart beat to know. Who is amateur and how long. They be at, this ancient craft. Yours, will be inspired.
Keep life simply complex. (fav phrase)

Even poetry that was written in a different language, and in translation. That whole significance. Is subjective now and the meanings lost. To the knife. Yet people like it any way as they know its classical poetry and recognized. Found some pearl of wisdom or a line, a phrase, a word. Caught their (fancy).

Fancy that, an ya. I like how you hide the punch, sophistication. Comic mystery. Even if it is silly. Which it isn't. It shows that you consider your content. Track the word play with timing. Each phrase, speak its own reward. For the reader, not your Ego. That it is unexpected, comes off in the first three lines. And, just keeps keeping on and building a flushed in lovable character. It brings with it smiles, an "oh ya"... ha ha ha.
It fulfills its, application. I think the framing is well chosen. Never fear...

The audience, does like a laugh. If it is not crude. Leave that, to hacks that do two three lines with no aplomb what so ever and a pun here. Attack it like Sweeney Tod, a butcher. With a cleaver. Yours, is articulate. Decidedly pursuant, of the claim it presents. Your ability, to do this.
An do it, well! I feel that your deep streams would impress me more.

Well I'll find out, in many future visitation.

I mean, who wouldn't appreciate the Joker deal. because for years. I've wrote action adventure, Sci Fi and thrillers. On this site, I wonder if that turn the audience away. My poetry, is somewhat serious preponderances. Mystical and a great deal about the mystery of life. Yet see the jacket an think Vampires? Can't that content involve humanitarian, concern. If you ever read Ann Rice. You know it can. It's about content, form and choices writers at the time of their involvement. Want or are down right driven to represent. This piece you chose well. 61 views of your comedy.
It not color.... Nor change the fact. That it is, talented. Will your audience read on to see your other times, an flavor. Judging by the size of your reviews. Like Sara, whom I be a fan and we, be friends. Your reader ship love you, and sending friends. To enjoy your craft.... breath.
Play on, with words. That move you, as they will and push hard
Love your Ideal, live...
your Bliss!

Consider one writer to another---- being and accepting my friend request.
Return the Love.
... Ro...

[Devons]

This is a tremendous image-making piece of artwork. It is extremly classy and profund. It ties-in anonymous memories like a legend of passing strangers in the street, none of them knowing of the little pieces of life they've left behind as a mark on the world. The marks and creases and moisture are residual on The Bill just the way a butterfly flaps its wings in a chaos chain reaction.

"together, like desperate fingers clinging
to a railing,"

Just two of many fantastic lines. God, how money can inspire! Ironic.

Brilliant work, honestly.

[Dutch Jr.]

Yeah, the circulation of money is a weird thing, and every time I look at a dollar bill I always wonder the path it took before landing into my wallet. This is an amusing, introspective write. Stay up.

PS: I'm not sure I got a RR for this one.... hmmmm...lol

[Sara]

lol, this is great, i love the little humorous twist at the end (so reminiscent of 'an ode' btw) -- it just starts out so contemplative, and then you hit that last line and you're giggling. :D i had no problem with the title being the first line, and i actually think the blandness of it works because the reader is really caught off guard by the humor and quirkiness at the end, so you end up getting twice the laughs... and, really, i don't see how anyone could not know what you mean by 'jokerized'? the joker's such a pop culture icon now. :) great job.

also -- have you ever checked out the 'where's george?' website before? google it, it might interest you... ;)

[J. Randall Dodd]

ann,

i find that your second version is better. after thinking about it the (fancy) part is fine, but i'm not in love with it. the only reason i waver in my support is because there is nothing else like it in the poem to help support it. if you wanna keep it, i would recommend adding another parenthetical phrase elsewhere in the poem.

the accidental rhyming in the last part of the poem aides in the reading and wrapping up of the poem. i see nothing wrong with it.

the title being part of the first line is evident and causes no issues for me. the "jokerize" part doesn't detract from the talent of the wordplay. i see no audience of worth being turned off by this.

i do have two more suggestions upon re-reading:
1. that child who scrunched it's clear face (i'm not sure about "it's clear face" are you speaking of the child's face, which in that case why is it clear; or to the face of the bill, which brings up the same question. i would look at re-wording possibly)
2. written repeatedly- (i still think that maybe something like "written in frenetic fashion-" or "written in fanatical fashion-" may work a little better. just my personal opinion.

i do believe that you have strengthened this piece greatly. nice work. keep writing.

sincerely,
jr

[TTBoy28]

You have actually summed up all requests for anyone to visit a website so that "The Bill" can be tracked. I love your story!

[mcg03002]

Very very creative. You teach us here how even a mudane item that we see on a daily basis has a story to tell. There is history, humanity, and humor in everything that we encounter...even a dollar bill. The jokerization of Washington was unexpected and interesting.
I didn't read J.R.'s review until after I'd been through your piece, but when I did, I was surprised to find that I'd made notes on the exact two spots he mentioned.
The word "clings" is an intransitive verb, as far as I know. In other words, it can't have an object. The line sounds like you want to say that the tape is clinging the two halves of the bill together. Something cannot be "clinged" it can only cling. "to hope" is a good example of intransitiveness. You can't say "He hoped the dollars into his pocket." (well, you could...but only if you were intentionally changing the normal function of the word for artistic purposes) Unless you are taking artistic license to use the word however you please (which you are entirely justified in doing), I would consider using the word “binds” or “holds.”

The spot where you compare the wrinkles on the bill to mountains is extremely original. I think it just needs a bit more work to complete the analogy. I disagree with J.R. about having to tie those lines in with the child and the candy store…but it would help if you clarified the imagery. Mountains are huge. Wrinkles are small. Give the reader a hint that you are talking about the miniature world that exists in the texture of the paper on which the currency is printed. Take him from the perspective of a person to the perspective of an ant. If you do that, you won’t even have to use the word “crinkles” to get the point across. Maybe something like:

Miniscule ranges of mountains
That cover its face and rear grumble
of a petulant child who made them
smooth tender scrunched and tossed at a candy-store clerk

Granted, that stanza probably doesn’t jive with the form you were using…but you get the idea. And, I want to make it clear that this piece is kick-a*s just as you’ve written it. The suggestions are simply revision options to consider.