White- Story Version

Short story based off my poem White.

She's just standing there for a moment at the front door to the school. She takes a deep breath to calm herself and starts walking.

"Carmin!" I yell, watching her walk away making a way home. 

She turns at her name, and I could see her eyes add a name to my face and at the recognition her face lit up, excited. It was nice to see her like this. It rarely happens. So I walk to her.

"Hey honey." I say with a sweet smile. She acknowledge me and grabs my hand, a small glow radiating from her cheeks. 

She starts to head for the woods, so I follow... I always will. We walk for a bit, just taking in the scenery. She stares up at the sky while we enter the shade of the canopy.

"Did you know your eyes are that exact color?" I point at the leaf next to her head. It is a dark green with white dots, like it was tinted with space. She smiles and my heart warms up.

She points at the sky, a questioning look on her face. I realize she is talking about my eyes. I chuckle and pull her in for a hug. 

"Thank you." I whisper into her hair, breathing in her scent. It makes me feel like stars are shattering and letting off her aroma.

We stand like this for a while, just with each other. The sun and the moon. Her being my sun because she is what makes me shine. I whisper this into her ear. She tears up and pulls me down for a kiss. It's short and sweet.

"Our tree house is just up ahead." I say, pointing her in the direction. She smiles graciously. Shining like a comet.

When we finally reach the tree house, I put our stuff up and help her. She giggles as I grab her waist and lift her up, her small hands reaching for the high up ladder. Even with me lifting her up she can barely reach, she's as short as a nanosecond.

She wiggles inside (While I take the opportunity to stare at her backside. Obviously.) I chuckle when she get's stuck and help her out. I climb in close enough behind her to see the freckles on her arms, forming a constellation. 

We sat. 

"I need to talk to you." I say seriously. "Cam.. I know your secret.. The one you refused to tell me." I glance up to her and rub an affectionate hand on her arm. She looks up, frightened.

"The universe is made of tiny stories, little jagged edges sewn together with stardust." I kiss her fingertips and continue. 

 "You are one of these shards, and did you know that the universe is beautiful?" She looks down as I say this, it seems there are tears in her eyes.

I start to wonder what put them there. Was it the words I just spoke aloud? Was it my tender gestures? Or was it the fact that I found out her secret?

I grab her hand and turn it over, pull up her sleeve. There are freckles and I gaze at the beautiful intricacy of white. 

"This isn't beautiful, or romantic, but I do love you" I say earnestly. I look up at her eyes. The tears created streaks as they fell down her beautiful flushed face. Her eyes were red for crying.

"Sorry" She whispered. This is the first time she had talked in years. I thanked the gods for her.

Reviews

[LonelyWriterMike]

Since others have pointed out a great deal of what makes your story strong I will add on to it myself. First, the interaction between the characters spoken as well as unspoken is strong and believable. And your ability to establish the surrounds without wasting time or adding filler was very well executed and I applaud you. Moreover, the descriptive narrative engaged me and held on tight not letting go and the vivid pictures forming in my head were clear and lucid like mini movies in my mind's eye. And the unbiased gender neutral voice narrating the short story was very clever and quite well versed. I love it and look forward to reading more of you work. But like Burton stated already add some spaces and tabs to clean it up a bit so we know where one paragraph ends and another begins other than that I can't find much to rant about.

[anna]

Oh gosh thank you so much! I will add the spaces and tabs and junk right now! :)

[LonelyWriterMike]

Very welcome and good luck to you on your story.

[anna]

Thank you! c:

[LonelyWriterMike]

You're very welcome.

[Burton VanGogh]

This is a great piece, and it has a strongly individual voice. You've got a lot going on in the subtext, and I like how you show but do not tell every little detail by letting them speak for themselves.

I was also impressed by how you carried over the astronomical allusions from the poem, and worked them into narrative points within the story. I also enjoyed the connection between silence and space that is established throughout the story, there is a wonderful sense of stillness that is established as the characters enter the woods, and it sharpens the poignancy of the last lines.

Not identifying the gender of the first person narrator is a unique choice, I certainly would not have thought of that myself, and it serves your story well. It adds to any reader's ability to relate more closely with the emotions expressed in the piece.

You have a great deal going on here, and it is well executed. If I had to make a criticism, it is that the dialogue is throwing off your flow a bit. I'm aware that it is carried over from the poem, and the piece overall is strong, but the dialogue feels like it is being forced out in long stretches, which detracts from both the beauty and the impact of the images conveyed in those words as they all run together on one or two lines.

I think it might help if you broke those lines up more for emphasis, maybe adding brief descriptions of "stage business" for each of the characters such as pushing back a strand of hair, a blink, a shiver, a sideways glance, etc. Those are great lines, make them stand out more from the rest of the piece, call attention to them each on their own.

I love this piece, and I love the poem as well. "Shorter than a nanosecond" and "tinted with space" are just fantastically crafted phrases. I love reading work that makes me say aloud "GAH! Why didn't I think of THAT?". Keep up the good work, I look forward to seeing your future work.

[anna]

Oh my gosh, thank you so much. It was actually from a neutral gender point of view because I've been going through troubles with a bunch of my friends lately and I felt like things are too stereotyped and it kinda irks me. But anyways, enough with my life's story. Thank you so much, I didn't think that the little space bits were really that good. c:

Maybe soon I will re-write this and post it. I will try to make the flow a bit better, thanks for the criticism! :)

[Jarin R. S.]

i love it :D read what you wrote, then study how today's authors write. commit to your own style and take a look at whats popular and write a story about it and BAM! bestseller....eventually

[anna]

Thank you! c: