His Love For Lady Adrienne

I tried to write a poem with a storyline and here's what I came up with. I'm not really sure about it and it's pretty long.

The soldier stands watching the waves,

Lash about the sharp, sharp stones,

Thinking of the battles long fought,

And her chilling moans.

 

One glorious day, so long ago,

Upon his stallion he rode, to a faraway land,

Not once did he thought, he’d meet,

The lass on whose fingers he’d put, a shiny wedding band.

 

The nights went on and the days passed by,

The warrior fought for his countrymen,

But he did make one forbidden mistake,

He fell in love with Adrienne.

 

Her beauty too serene,

A man could not help but be spellbound,

For once did soldier hold his breath,

The girl did leave him astound.

 

So young and so in love,

The country they would flee,

And defy the word of her reluctant father,

For the love that filled their hearts with glee.

 

So upon his steed they rode,

To the lands beyond the maps,

To a fate that he never wished for,

And would regret forever, perhaps.

For weeks did they travel, with footmen on their heels,

Her father’s soldier and his countrymen,

For they would never accept,

His love for Lady Adrienne.

 

The soldier fought with all his might,

And all the strength he had left,

His sword clashed and sparks did fly,

Not once was he of hope bereft.

 

He killed ‘em men with guilt in his heart,

Not bigger than his devotion,

But a man got hold of his lady love,

His most valued possession.

 

“I’ll drive a knife through her heart,

And you’ll only watch her bleed.”

“Let go of her, let go of her.”

The worn out soldier cried and he did plead.

 

He couldn’t get to her,

As the man cut into her vein,

She lay there bleeding and moaning,

But the soldier felt the pain.

 

He ran to her and sat next to her,

She lay on a blood stained ground,

He so wished it was him instead,

His love for her was so profound.

She bled to death in a faraway land,

And he couldn’t help but cry to heavens high above,

The image etched too deep in his heart,

Why didn’t the Lord spare his only love?

 

“She was loved and loved too dearly.”

“Aye, that she was.”

He stood next to her funeral pyre,

He hated himself for letting her into death’s perilous paws.

 

And now he stands atop a cliff,

After years of her death,

So many years spent without her,

She still catches his breath.

 

Oh his love will never die,

Even if death did them apart,

He will have her forever within,

His ever bleeding heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Hello Reviewers,
This is just an attempt at poetry with a storyline, that is, narrative poetry. I'm not sure if it's good or not. I'll just say I'm proud of myself for writing a long and narrative poem. I hope you like it, and sorry if you think it's too long. (:
Be honest.

Reviews

[Sakib]

Really nice!!!! A great work. I enjoyed reading this piece.

[Alicia™]

This is beautiful! I agree that it's a little long, but it flows nicely all the same. The storyline was good! The language you used was also good in representing that time.

The only problem is that you shouldn't end every line with a comma or period. It's understandable that you want the reader to pause at those places, but a line break works just as well too. The second last line, for example, shouldn't have a comma.

But other than that, I really loved it!