chapter 1

take a peek at the life she is living.

I don’t know how to love I haven't since my parents split. That tore my heart open and brought a scar that would never heal, so I made a rule. Mental rule. I swore to never love. As a friend or not. That didn’t matter. I know what it does to people who fall in love. When its ripped into pieces, it leaves a hole in your heart that won't mend, like cheddar cheese with holes. 

My parents separated just 2 weeks ago. Some of my friend's parents got divorced, but I didn’t think that would happen to me. It seemed like a whole different universe to me. When they did, I knew not to have faith in anything. Mostly on love because they are unpredictable and it usually has a twisted ending. Most cases end disastrous, very few survive till the end. I didn’t know that back then, but I know better now. Numbers you can trust. That’s the reason I thrive in school. Unspoken promises like love, no you can't trust. This was my first mental rule. So that’s my explanation.  

I was living with my mom till last summer. Then it got hard to live there... with Jake. She cheated on my dad with Jake and now she's living with him. He's nice, but it seemed wrong. It was wrong. I wanted my mother to be happy but with my dad, Nick. They were happy of course that's why Teresa remarried (just after a week), but they had their own world, and I felt like an intruder so I escaped to Nick's house.  

 

Dear Diary, 

I hope something's different today. I don’t want to be the "her parents divorced girl" cause when you get a name you're stuck with it forever. Like sculpture. Waiting for my statue to be sculpted. And the pitied looks when I walk down the halls! Drives me nuts! Like, don’t you have any other interesting things to do instead of staring at my face? People ask me if I'm okay even though they don’t actually care.  

 

Just as I expected, I should have a worn a hoody to cover my face. Wrong choice of cloth. When you don’t want to draw attention to yourself do not wear a lime green shirt and jeans. I added that to my mental rulebook as I shuffled to my class. 

As I pushed the door to my first class open, every single eye turned to watch me, Walk. Literally, walk. These frigging bored dumbass teenagers.  

"Hey, Ellie." She asked me very cautiously debating whether I was in a good place or not. I tried my smile. I knew she wouldn’t be convinced, even if my smile did look real. Which I know for sure that it didn’t.  

"Do you want to go watch a movie tonight?" Movie I thought. I haven't seen in a while. Obviously, I wasn’t in the mood for the kissing and love affairs. 

"Depends." 

"I know let's watch a comedy. I hear that 'my stupid nobody cares life story' is really funny" I reminded myself my first rule in the mental rulebook.  

1. do not love, friendship or not.  

2. especially if it's your best friend. I added.   

I might have kissed her not the cheek if I didn’t remind myself. I think I liked her way too much to follow my first rule. I'm constantly emphasizing rule number 1 around her.  

 

We walked to the theatre. Old paint chipping theatre that looked about a hundred years old. (which probably was) I walked through the door and let myself smell the butter. Crispy popcorn with the greasy artificial butter. It sounded great. I bought the tickets. Tickets were greasy probably from the butter. She took my hand as we walked. Her habit. Her hand was soft and warm. Wrapping my cold hands and heating it. I don’t know what I was expecting but hoped that it wasn’t just a kind gesture. I'm so affected around her. Like she has an aura that makes me want to love her. I sound like a freak so I shut my mind right there, and pushed my thoughts away. I looked up to find that between her brows were creased, not a good sign. I knew what that meant but I looked away and pretended not to notice. I didn’t want to think. Not right now. She knew what I was thinking but she asked her question anyway.  

"are you ever going to try to find somebody to love?"  

Her question caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting it to be so easy to answer.  

"you know that I don’t want to and you ask me anyway. Sometimes you can be so..." I didn’t finish my sentence. I didn’t want to hurt her.  

" Yes, I know your reasons and I understand them. But, I mean don’t you think it will be lonely? You know I'm not always going to be by your side. Especially after we graduate." 

"Yeah, well it's not like I care. I'm not gonna be lonely." 

"you don’t care about me leaving or being lonely? Do you even love me? Like me? As a friend?" 

I tried to dodge her with ' whats this movie about anyway ' question, but she stopped right in the middle of the red-carpeted hall with her fierce eyes on me. Then she called me by my full name. Elizabeth Beatrice Deymark. That was a warning sign. She only called me by my full name unless she was very angry, or very worried. In this case, she was mad.  

"I like you. Satisfied? Of course, you know the reason why I can't love! So why do you ask!" I nearly shouted. Actually, I did shout, but that was only because there was nobody to be seen. I should have stopped, but I didn’t.  

"I cant say love. I don’t want to be expecting life throwing me an obstacle every time I'm with you. It's easier this way! So I can drift away whenever I want to." Last part was too much. I knew I crossed the line by the way her eyes shimmered like crystal. Her eyes were gray and perfectly clear, but right now it seemed like a fog was covering the inside of her eyes proving that I actually hurt her. Then she started walking as if nothing happened just between us with me trailing behind her like a puppy.  

We watched. It was more like we stared, into space. I think she was thinking about what I said earlier. I knew I hurt her. I also knew I couldn’t heal her. She helped me through hard times that I couldn’t have faced alone. She deserves more than me. The whole school would agree with me.  

We walked home silently. I didn’t remember anything I watched or stared. We never had silence. She talked I listened. 

 

Dear Diary,  

I feel horrible. And awful, and cruel, and disgusting and any other adjective I can find to explain me as appalling. I'd be so lonely and hopeless if she left me right now. Maybe I should learn how to love again. I feel like yesterday's fight made it clear for me.