life today

fighting amongst the coldness-

and lonely darkness all around,

i tried to dream of a warm face-

that in truth was never found;

i stretched my arm to the unknown,

to get the feel of the weather-

but all the hearts have turned stone

with dried and dead leaves under.

pale and morbid sunlight-

has somehow lost its all life-

stares vacantly all night-

as here, the morn could not thrive. 

i feel on my shoulder

no one breathes to console,

only the storm gets stronger

drills through me a deep hole.

i feel weak and hungry-

i know how i must end

world around me is angry-

within it, i must blend.

half my heart has turned stone

what is left, will soon be-

love that's so far unknown,

will never be able to find me.  

Reviews

[RazzySkittles]

I love the emotion that is so cleverly expressed within the poem. For instance the Heart turning to stone, can say a lot of things. It can say that a hearts been broken and that some one hardens it so as not to feel, so that it won't be hurt again, or how the world is angry, and how the morn could not thrive. I really like this piece, it think it's well written!! :) Keep up the awesome writing! :)

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I am very impressed with this poem. It has great underlying imagery. I love the "blind man" allusions. Writing from a unique perspective like this is brilliant, and this is so clear. If I may be so bold though, shouldn't the last word of the first stanza be "over" though? I think you have brought together very powerful ideas and I have some just general notions about what might be possible to improve it, but they are not really necessary and whether or not they would really be "improvements" is up to you. I love the second stanza and the second half of the second stanza is an especially strong metaphor (the hole being drilled). However, I feel almost like maybe where you say "life" I could imagine it saying "light," and I love the term "could not thrive," because it is like a description of a new born baby being stillborn or dying soon after birth. That is a brilliant way to refer to that. If there is something I could suggest, I would alter the poem to make the background imagery more explicit and the last line "will never ever gonna find me" should be changed for purely English semantic reasons, to "Will never ever succeed in finding me" or something like that. It doesn't quite sound right the way it is, for just the reason of the English being unnatural sounding -at least to my ears. The meaning of the whole poem is profound though, and I feel that your imagery is especially powerful. You have found just the right way to characterize each part. You have shown instead of told, by using unique perspectives and useful analogies. As I say, if I can suggest only one thing, it would be to bring that imagery out even more (by bringing in those images a BIT more explicitly. Saying, "taking away my light" is an example of being explicit because it would outright state the reason for the blindness. I don't think you should make any huge changes though, because this is a great poem!

[aakash01]

thank you for your review and your suggestions. i found the suggestions really helpful.you're right about the accusations you have made.i will try to make it better next time.i really appreciate the way you analyzed the whole poem and presented to me the exact faults in it. i can not thank you enough.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Thanks for understanding and appreciating me being as precise in my observations as possible. It really is not meant to seem as if I am feeling negative about any of the poem. I just feel like no matter how good a poem is, there should always be something to comment on. This one has amazing imagery and concepts weaved all through it! Great job. Thanks for taking some of my suggestions already!!

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Oh, yes, and I had to re-read it to remember some of what was changed. I like "dried and dead leaves!" These are good changes. Very good attention to detail and...well, I have to say it again, great imagery!