This was a really captivating write! I liked how you seemed to pour everything you had into this piece, as it made it a really believable and relatable poem. There were moments, particularly towards the end, where I felt as though you lost some of the intensity that was prominent at the start of the piece, but in saying that, I liked the fact that you were able to showcase the multiple dimensions of such a situation in a really simple and hard-hitting way. Great work,
~PaperHearts
This is a tough one - a heart breaker. Not a lot of poetic form to it, but the subject matter doesn't need anything but the raw emotion I guess - and you got that nailed. There is a bit of logical error in stanza two... 'while she got dressed / taking her clothes off.' I think the transition from stanza two to stanza three is a bit rough - you've been writing about 'you' and 'her' and suddenly introduce 'I.' I know what's going on (I think) but the sudden appearance of 'I' is jarring enough that I had yo look at it a couple of times... I figure that anything that 'jars' a reader (except for shock poetry) needs to be smoothed out... just an opinion. Keep up your fine work.
I told my children. Be careful with emotion. We can become dead in heart and soul very quickly. Don't waste your love and kindness on useless people. I like the beginning of this poem. A undertone of need and pain. Life is a fair journey. Each of us must test the boundaries. A very good ending to a powerful poem.
Coyote