Letting Go

I can be free to love again

You're the darkness,

In the sky,

Making me,

Shut my eyes,

You surround me,

Comforting me,

Into a deep sleep,

I enter the world,

Of dreams and fantasies,

Your there,

Smiling at me,

 

Then you wake me up,

Your light,

Commands me to rise,

You are the sunshine,

That shines into my life,

Through my window,

I see you,

A big fire ball,

Floating in the sky,

Telling me,

It's breakfast time,

 

But!

Suddenly,

That has to go,

You're fading out of my life,

You have seen someone else,

I know,

I must let you go,

So you can share,

Your life with another,

I am unwelcome,

She says to me,

To never see you again,

 

In the end,

Whose decision is it?

Love, I quit

No more searching,

No more pain,

Beauty, joy and laughter

Gone from my life,

Your nothing,

But a memory,

 

Cya comfort and company,

 

Welcome and hello,

To loneliness and tears,

Of distress,

 

 

 

Reviews

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

The break in lines suffice fine for causing the reader to pause. Therefore, you do not need so many commas. Where appropriate end the sentence rather than causing a run on with a comma.

First Stanza, Line 10 - should be "You're there" instead of "Your there"

Fourth Stanza, Line 8 - should be "You're nothing" instead of "Your nothing"

I absolutely abhor the "Cya" in the fourth from the last line. If you're going to write e-slang in poetry, I would be consistent with it throughout. To throw it in in one line, in an otherwise pretty well written poem, looks lazy and distracting. I'm sure it's more a sign of youth than anything.

I can see potential in your writing, but it's something that must be honed with time, due diligence, and a passion for poetry.

Linda Marie

[Jessica Slatton]

This is very beautiful.

"In the end
Whose decision is it?
Love I quit
No more searching,
No more pain,"

I really really liked that part.
I like how you question who decision it is?
It is like you are being forced into that choice. By the hand of another.
I like it.

[sammyj]

wow I like this a lot

[Charles]

Linda Marie has a good eye and has made cogent comments for you to consider... I'm sure they are all constructive, though you might think them abrupt. There is real potential in this poem (I like the cadence and intensity). Keep writing.

[sammyj]

hey great poem, i like this a lot

[FlawedByDesign]

I have to agree with Linda in every respect. I hope you get around and act on her corrections/suggestions.
Apart from that, I'll add that the following is a little weak; somewhat cheesy and I'm sure you can do better :)
"A big fire ball,
Floating in the sky,"

[Daniel Gardner]

feel free! i like the poem although i do agree with linda but not going to repeat it lol. Great job.

[PaperHearts]

I really liked this poem! I thought that it was written really well, and wtih a kind of insight and beauty that only few can perfect. I did find the excessive use of commas slightly distracting, and you did have a few spelling/grammar issues, but other than that, this was a fantastic write! The ending left me speechless. :)
~PaperHearts

[Dan]

Such aged words from one so young, I agree partially with Linda Marie, in that your writing will mature with you - however, I LOVE how expressive you are with your feelings in poetry. Keep up the good work lady!

[Tim]

I like this! Very good!

[RTB]

how calm it seemed i liked it good job :)