A Little More

The pain of rejection before the merriest celebration on earth makes ideas flow quickly... It is only when you are arrow-shot that you would realize that you need to wipe the blood oozing out of your chest

While the rest of the people are trying to make their holidays more worthy of a celebration, I am trying to sort my life-what’s going on?

 

I have been constantly yet gradually losing everything in my life. My grades, some affiliations, a few friends, and my health-everything vital that makes my life up and alive are slipping out of my grip. They say these are normal challenges, and everybody gets through this. But I don’t agree.

 

At some point in time, I have made my life a little worthy of the blessings I have received. Sometimes, when I get caught up, it gets to the point that I am made to choose either the lesser evil or the most useful. When I made the choice, I make my self believe that it’s the right choice. Now, it makes me doubt everything else. Yes, I am naturally selfish.

 

These choices are merely reflections on what life taught me. It all starts from how my mind opened for the nastiest ideas in the world, to the things that would engrave the ways on how to live a normal, mature life into my mind. The teachings of my parents, of my grade school teachers, and of my older relatives are getting out of the way. I am starting to live my own life, on my own.

 

Are these the curses sent to me for committing a lot of sins? Maybe, or maybe not. I know a lot people who have done things worse than what I have done, but I don’t exactly see any physical, mental, or emotional punishment in them as their freaky rewards. Or maybe because I have just done something beyond my capacity, I lost control of it because of the overwhelming knowledge that a person as physically young as I am can actually do it, and then I lost control, and eventually lost pieces of everything? I guess I am now munching on the conviction I once fearlessly told to a group of audiences-“Humans are stupid…”

 

A realization once came into my mind that maybe I am already getting really old that I would not allow myself to exert a little more effort to do things that I am supposed to do. Why? One obvious proof is on how I perform in class. It’s so not me if I would allow myself to get a score of 4 out of 10, or 11 out of 20. Now, it’s making its way in to my system, and I’m afraid that it would stay there for a longer period of time.

           

Fairly doing things at the same time was once a piece of pie. Now, it’s a labor. Definitely, I know my priorities, but in as much as I would like to do different responsibilities at the same time, my body won’t permit me to do so. It makes me fail a light in my common circuit, and then another bulb would follow, and so on. It made me think of losing one for the other, or a play-safe voice would tell me, “Better have only one than eventually losing all of them.”

           

Then a matter of “destiny” brought me to some heinous situation where I am made to choose between friends. Yes. But maybe some tinge of irritation and a drop of being myself made me really make the choice. It’s stupid, but I chose to be forced.

 

Another thing… because of a lot of things that I am supposed to do, and I want to do, I guess I am already ignoring my health. There would always come a time when I would seek a little help from a doctor.

 

I am passively letting these things to happen. Whose choice is it, anyway? Mine.

 

Oh, I don’t know.

 

Is this a question of age, gender, or biological composition? Does this show that somebody gets through a tough line and becomes stagnant on it for a long period of time? I guess not. Instead, it is a matter of ones mental and emotional management in relation to his environment and his endeavors. He has all the power to control his poignant drives. From him comes the command of on what, where, when, who, and how to think, and the ways to think it over. And over. And over. And over again.

 

But what if a man’s mind is poisoned by some terrible influence, emulating acts and attitudes that turn him into another identity and would immediately show the world the difference that he made and make them mock at the fact on how he has changed or has been changing? Will the statement “…it is a matter of ones mental and emotional management in relation to his environment and his endeavors…” still count? Do influences really come into one’s structure by choice? Not at all.

 

Not everything in us can be controlled. Most of the time, things go on moving… all by themselves, making a harmonious relationship with their environment, and dancing their way through life naturally. No one catches them. No one puts them under glass. No one voids their free will. They are the lightest and the quickest element surrounding our sphere, showing an overpowering freedom to soar away from the dark side of living. Things are naturally like that. One doesn’t have to wonder.

 

This goes to show that we are not in control of everything. The power is not in our hands all the time. We forget to realize that there has always been a Power greater than everything else.

 

We have all the right to make mistakes. We have all the right to lose something. We have all the right not to have everything. And the list goes on… These rights are natural, innate-subconsciously existing. After all, we are humans. That’s the bottom of the bottom line.

 

According to Leonard Sweet, adversities don’t make someone; it “shows” someone-strange, unexpected, but real. It will show the human in us that we could enjoy the sensation of being ourselves after the struggles. And if “he” could be human, why can’t I?

 

It is the “me” when I was born. Why do I have to change myself all of a sudden by an influence that distorted my being for just barely a year?

 

Another thing… In the midst of my loneliness, a friend tried to offer her help. She just doesn’t know how thankful I am for her presence. I’m really finding a hard time to express my gratitude for something or someone or someone’s good deed-another product of my naturally silent attitude. I remember the time when we were both depressed. We went to the mall and watched a movie. We turned to each other, listened to each other’s stories, and comforted each other. Those were the moments that I can consider as moments of peace. How I wish our friendship would last.

 

These realizations brought me to the conclusion that has always been my statement-to-remember to my depressed friends during high school-move on with life. I guess I have to tell this to my self. I don’t want to bring grudges and false hopes when I grow older. I wanted to leave it right there…

 

We are, after all, humans. And did I say humans are stupid? Well, I’m not yet done with the statement…

 

“…their stupidity works for their own good.”

 

Happy holidays, everyone!

 

 

*written December 17, 2007, 8:35 pm.

-- also posted in Friendster Blogs. :)