DONALD'S WITCH HUNT!

Donald learns that witches are real, and vows to do away with them.

                  THE ANGINA MONOLOGUES

                     DONALD'S WITCH HUNT

The Players:

DONALD

MIKE 

MELANIA

KAREN

SEVERAL WITCHES

DONALD:This whole thing is a total witch hunt!

MIKE(uneasily): I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, sir.

DONALD(impatient):What, Mike? What are you offended by now? It seems it's always something with you, lately.

MIKE:You keep saying that every investigation is a 'witch hunt'.

DONALD:That's because they are. What's wrong with that?

MIKE:Well, sir, they're not. Not really. All that has nothing to do with witches.

DONALD: Don't be such a baby, Mike. In case you didn't know, there's no such thing as witches. That's why it's so stupid.

MIKE:Oh, sir--yes, there are such things, and the witch community is all upset over it!

DONALD: C'mon, Mike. Try pulling the other one. How stupid do you think I am?

MIKE:That's beside the point, sir. But there really are witches, and a bunch of them are outside now, protesting your...well, your blatant disregard for their feelings.

DONALD(laughing):Very funny, Mike. Is that Christian humor?

KAREN(coming into the room):Is what Christian humor, Mr. President?

DONALD:Oh, Mike was just telling me a joke about a bunch of witches.

KAREN:(opening the curtains): You mean, those witches?

There are a couple of dozen women outside, carrying signs, and chanting.

DONALD: Very funny. Those aren't witches! Where are their black dresses? Where are their brooms, their pointy hats, and their striped stockings? That's just a bunch of regular ladies.

MELANIA(entering the room):Donald, why are there dozens of witches marching out in front of  the house?

DONALD:Oh, not you, too. Those aren't witches, they're just--

MELANIA:Oh, no, Donald! They're witches, all right! I heard them chanting, and I recognized what they were complaining about.

DONALD(suspiciously):What are you talking about?

MELANIA:Back in Slovenia, there was a woman I knew. She was a witch, and she used to do that same chant.

KAREN:Oh! What are they...chanting about?

MELANIA:They are praying.

MIKE:Praying! Witches?

MELANIA:Yes. I'm not really sure, but I think they are asking for the death of my husband.

MIKE:Well, that's not so bad. They pray to Satan, right? And he loves you, sir! He wouldn't kill you!

KAREN: No, wait; I've read about this.Wiccans worship two gods;the Moon Goddess, and the 'horned god'.

MIKE:Karen, I don't think I'm comfortable with your knowing these things...

KAREN:It's all right, Mike. Don't worry.

DONALD:(fearfully):He's right to worry, Karen. If those witches find out you're on to them, they're gonna go after you!Look! They're leaving! Probably going home to cast some spells against you!

MELANIA: No, they're not.

DONALD: And just how do you know that, Melania?

MELANIA: They said that they were going to church.

KAREN: Really? You understood them?

MELANIA: Yes.

DONALD(Thoughtfully) Church, huh? Witch church?

MIKE:Sir, I don't think you should...

DONALD:Mike, we're going to find that witch church, and you're going to tell those witches to stop worshiping Satan and start chanting about me!

MIKE(resignedly):Yes, sir.

                   Scene 2

(Ext.) Outside of the Coven's meeting place, which is the home of one of the Wiccans.

DONALD and MIKE are hiding in the shrubbery. Each of them is armed with a Super Soaker.

DONALD(whispering):This is it? The witch church? Looks like a dump.

MIKE:Well, sir, that's what you said about the White House, too. This place looks pretty nice, to me.

DONALD:Well, yeah--compared to YOUR house. Sssh! They're coming out!

The women file out, and DONALD and MIKE jump from the bushes and open fire upon them, screaming about God and yelling that they need to become Christian immediately or die!

The Wiccans laugh at them.

DONALD:i don't understand this, Mike. The water isn't melting them!

MIKE:Maybe the water has to be thrown at them, out of a bucket! Oh, or, sir--maybe it has to be HOLY water!

DONALD:I'll bet you're right! Get me a bucket of Holy Water!

MIKE:I can't just leave you here, sir!

DONALD:Go on, Mike! I'll be fine! I've got a Bible!(holds up a book)See?

MIKE: Oh, no, sir! That's not a Bible! It's a dictionary!

DONALD:No, it isn't. See? Big, black book, little ribbons sticking out of it. Bible!

MIKE: Read the title! On the spine of the book!

DONALD(checking):Oh, my God, you're right! Run, Mike! Before they hex us!

The WICCANS watch as the two men run away, screaming.

                SCENE THREE

               Int., White House

MELANIA:How did your witch hunt go, Donald?

DONALD:We found them, and we shot them all!

KAREN:Are they...dead?

DONALD:No, but they will be soon! They laughed at me, and I'm pretty sure that's treason. We'll be taking them to court, and that will be the end of them.

MELANIA: I don't think so, Donald. They have the right to worship as they please, too. It's in the Constitution.

DONALD: That again? Melania, that damn Constitution stinks! It protects everyone's rights, except mine.

You mark my words, Melania. I'm going to do away with that Constitution yet. It will be Priority One during the second half of my Presidency. I can't deal with this. Vladimir doesn't have these problems. None of the other great leaders do.

MELANIA: Welcome to America, Donald. The Constitution is what makes this country great.

DONALD:For now, Melania. For now...

Author's Note

That pesky Constitution even protects witches!

Reviews

[Jean Lagace]

Funny. I like this piece about the great man. If you care to look, I wrote a piece that mirrors your's. Not as good for sure but, still... It's called THE BUG. lol

[Neville]

I found this by chance.. exactly one whole year after you first posted it.... a fitting peach of a post if I may say so.... I Hope you are well Angel wherever you are...

Neville

[Patricia Wedel]

This is better than Saturday Night Live... satire...

[Great Aunt Astri]

Had me giggling! The kind of humour (satire and irony, Light-hearted, good understanding and fun) I enjoy. Reading this.. I am now anticipating Donald changing the whole of the American Constitution. ( a bit like Theresa over here!) I look forward to reading more.