DONALD PLAYS SANTA CLAUS

Melania may regret asking Donald to play Santa for a group of children

                           THE ANGINA MONOLOGUES

                          DONALD PLAYS SANTA CLAUS 

The Players:

DONALD

MELANIA

MIKE PENCE

KAREN PENCE

ASSORTED NEEDY CHILDREN(VARIOUS RACES) 

(WH interior,the Oval Office; DONALD and MELANIA are dressed as Santa and Mrs. Claus)

MELANIA(excitedly):Are you ready, Donald? Mike and Karen are here with the children.

DONALD(grumpily):I guess so. I wish the Pences wouldn't keep torturing me with all this holiday crap.That ridiculous Easter egg thing--what was up with that stupid Easter Bunny? With all the carrots those things eat, why would he need glasses? The Halloween debacle, the turkey attack; now I've got to play Santa Claus. Get me a pillow, Melania.

MELANIA: Why, Donald?

DONALD(impatiently):To make my belly big, like Santa Claus.

MELANIA:You don't need one, Donald. Yours is big enough.(tugs at the coat)See? There's barely room in there for you.

DONALD:Who ever heard of a buff Santa Claus?

MELANIA(rolls eyes)Maybe the costume shop sent the wrong size.(aside, to AUDIENCE) And sent one that would have fit you last year.

DONALD:What? Who are you talking to? Never mind. Let's get this stupid thing over with.

MIKE and KAREN enter with the CHILDREN.

DONALD(in a stage whisper):Melania, some of those kids are Mexicans and Blacks--they don't like me!

MELANIA:But they love Santa--you're Santa, remember?

DONALD(grudgingly)Well, okay...but make sure they don't touch me.

MELANIA(exasperated)They are going to take turns sitting on your lap...such as it is. Stop whining.

DONALD(sulkily)Oh, all right. I hope I don't get any diseases. Melania, are you sure that none of these kids are lepers?

MELANIA:Positive. I don't think that's even a thing anymore. All right, Mike and Karen. Who's first?

KAREN:Jackson,go ahead, sit on Santa's lap and tell him what you want for Christmas.

MIKE(lifting the first child onto DONALD'S lap):Here you go, champ.

JACKSON:Is that a real beard?(pulls beard down)Aaahh! It's him!

MELANIA(panicky):Honey, why are you afraid?

JACKSON(shrinking back)That's the mean, orange man who puts kids in cages!

All the children begin to cry, and MIKE, KAREN, and MELANIA try to comfort them. They begin to calm down.

KAREN:(soothingly) No, honey; that's Santa. He--his beard fell out because he's been in chemotherapy, and he turned that color from the radiation treatments.

MIKE:(aside) Good one, Karen! (to JACKSON) Go ahead. Tell Santa what you want for Christmas.

DONALD(in a cheery tone):Yeah, I might not even be around next year to do this!

JACKSON(tearfully):All I want now is for you to not die, Santa!

DONALD:(aside) What a loser.(To JACKSON):Done!

MELANIA:Who is next?

KAREN(leading a little Mexican girl over): Come on, Felina, come sit on Santa's lap.

The girl approaches warily and MIKE lifts her up into DONALD'S lap.

DONALD:(suspiciously):Are you an anchor baby?

FELINA:I don't know what that is, sir.

DONALD:Sir? That's respectful. Well, at least if you are one, your father probably isn't MS-13. Well, what do you want for Christmas...um...Mexican kid?

FELINA:I would like my Abuela to be able to come live here with us.

DONALD(perplexed):What the--er...what's that? Your kitty?

KAREN(tearfully):That would be her grandmother, sir.

DONALD(triumphantly))Ah, so you ARE an anchor baby! I thought you looked like one. She can come, as long as she does so through legal channels.

FELINA(crying)But, sir--there's a long waiting list, and my Abuela is almost a hundred years old!

DONALD:Too bad. Would you like a kitty? You could name it Abuela.

MELANIA (hurries to take the girl off DONALD'S lap and leading her away):Don't worry, honey. I'll see that you get what you want, or Santa won't get what HE wants!

KAREN brings the next child, and MIKE lifts him into DONALD'S lap.

DONALD:Ah, a normal, white kid. What do you want, son? A GI Joe?

BOY:No, sir. I want my daddy to get well.

DONALD:What's the matter with him?

BOY:He has AIDS, and my other daddy cries a lot about it.

DONALD screams, dumps the BOY off his lap, and shrinks back.

DONALD:This is over! Santa's feeling sick! Take the kids away, Mike! That's an order!

MELANIA leads a shaken Donald away, and as they go, we hear him say: Isn't there anyone normal left in America, Melania? It's gonna be pretty hard to make a country full of people like those kids great again! Well, at least I made the trains run on time.

MELANIA:Yes, you keep saying that, but it doesn't make everything else okay... but America will be fine, Donald-- in about two more years.

                                 THE END

                                               in 2020!

Author's Note

Donald has to play Santa; look out, kids!

Reviews

[Crowley]

OMG...I could see the whole thing playing out!!! What fun, and a sad truth to boot. The whole thing is so weird to me...almost two years and I still cant wrap my head around it....cool piece Angel!

[Delmar Cooper]

At least he made the trains run on time.

[angel]

I make that concession; I even added it into the piece. Thank you, Delmar.

[Delmar Cooper]

It was an echo.
Finito Benito.
Interestingly enough my father passed the last known "address" of Duche' and mistress not long after he had been cut down. So much for timely trains.