DONALD VERSUS THE TURKEYS

Donald has to outdo Obama as he strives to pardon turkeys...but he can't!

The Players:

 DONALD

MELANIA

MIKE

KAREN

A TURKEY

The WH, int.:dining room. The room is decorated for Thanksgiving.

MELANIA is looking at a photo album of WH Thanksgivings past. DONALD enters the room.

DONALD: Looks good in here. How many people have you invited to dinner on Thursday, Melania?

MELANIA:Well, Donald, since you refused to let me invite any of the poor and homeless people like I wanted to, it will just be us, and the Pences.

DONALD: Don't get started, Melania. You know I can't eat with poor people around. They have that funny smell, and they are usually dirty.

MELANIA: I offered to let them use my shower, if you would let them come. The Pences always have clothes for the poor, too. They could have had clean clothes to wear.

DONALD:Stop right there! The poor hate me, for some reason. If we let them in here, they would probably give us typhoid--or LEPROSY! Is that what you want, Melania? Do you want to get leprosy?

MELANIA:No, Donald, of course not, but--

DONALD:No buts! I've told you and to--

MIKE and KAREN enter the room, and DONALD quiets abruptly. MIKE is carrying a large, white TURKEY.

DONALD: I told you, Mike! No pets!(looks puzzled):Say, what kind of dog is that, anyway?

MIKE:This isn't a dog, Sir. This is a turkey!

MELANIA:Oh, isn't she precious!(goes over and pats the

TURKEY)So pretty!

DONALD(ALARMED):Melania! Get back! (Pulls her back; he is horrified!) Those things carry diseases, until they're cooked!

KAREN:You'll have to get over that fear, Donald. This is the turkey you'll be pardoning tomorrow!

DONALD(frowns):What? Again? But I did that already, last year! I have to do it again?

MIKE:It's a yearly tradition, Sir.

DONALD(suspicious):Since when?

MIKE:They say Lincoln pardoned the first one in 1863;

It wasn't a yearly tradition until 1989, though.

DONALD:Well, whose idea was it to make it annual?

KAREN:It was George H.W. Bush who made it a yearly ceremony, but it was done most years, since 1947.(covers TURKEY'S ears)He ate the one in 1948 instead of pardoning him!

DONALD(poking TURKEY)Let's do that!

MELANIA:(shocked)Donald! No!

DONALD(pouting)Oh, all right.

MIKE:This lady turkey is going to a petting zoo in New Jersey!(shifts TURKEY toward DONALD)Here, Sir, hold her!

DONALD(pushing TURKEY back)Tomorrow, Mike.

                           SCENE TWO

                       The Following Day

                     The WH  Rose Garden 

DONALD and MELANIA are ready for the ceremony. There is a large cage on a table, covered by a sheet.

DONALD(removing the sheet with a flourish to reveal SIX Turkeys in a large cage):I heard that Obama pardoned TWO turkeys, so I am pardoning SIX, even though they do look delicious.

(He puts his hand into the cage to touch the first turkey to be pardoned, and pulls his hand back quickly)Aahh! That turkey bit me, goddammit!

MELANIA(examining DONALD'S finger. It is his middle finger)It isn't bleeding, Donald. He didn't break the skin. Go ahead, try again.

MIKE:(opening the cage)I'll get one out for you, Sir.

DONALD:(angrily)Keep those goddamned things away from me, Mike.(He waves his injured finger in the air, to the delight of the Press. Cameras erupt!)

MELANIA:Donald! Are you all right?

MIKE:(grabs DONALD'S hand)Sir! Stop waving that finger around! It's...the bad one!

DONALD:I know! That friggin' turkey practically bit it off!

KAREN:Ohhh...(faints)

The turkeys are clustering around DONALD, pecking at his legs.He kicks at them, swearing loudly. He runs toward the White House,screaming obscenities as the turkeys chase him. MIKE also faints.

MELANIA:Can I ask you gentlemen of the press not to take any more pictures?

The members of the press put their cameras away and turn to leave, clearly delighted.

FILM AT 11...

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[Neville]

Come on folks.. check this out.. if ya feeling glum it will cheer ya up no end...