growing

i’m outgrowing old clothes
old shoes
that helped me to trek miles
farther and farther from you
the road is becoming smaller
as i get less visitors
the gates stand a little taller
i used to write pages about what you lacked
i no longer feel the need to explain why your love was bad

i’m outgrowing building people into who they should be
fog is resting on the trees
i used to trace your name in the clouds
on the fogged up windows in car rides
every trip turned out to be too loud
but they never helped me to become better
i can see the genuine now
like i used to always see the the cruel
how do you expect me to come back?

i’ve outgrown my old body
the way she moved
frantic, scared, as if to barely make it
to not be seen
it’s hard when so much value
comes from physicality
i loved the loose clothing
i loved fitting into high school skirts
but something about it made mourning her so much worse

i’ve outgrown so many friends
like the trees do their fall leaves
it’s time for winter now
the ice cold winds and carpeted sidewalks
are welcoming of silence
where they felt there needed to be noise
restitute, restarting, i think i was wrong
there was no way back
all the times i tried to revitalize the old
the relationships that had already died

i move more slowly now
i’ve outgrown the need to understand how
to need to know the answers now
they’ll come to me when i’m ready for them
i watch birds interact
i watch clouds hug and rejoice
to move and make way for sunshine
she’ll only be here for a moment
but that’s what makes it so beautiful
it’s an honor to see her

i’ve outgrown having to prove my love
you’ll see it years down the road
when i’m still a home
when you can still knock on my door
when my arms still prove to be a fireplace
where you go to keep warm
after being left out in the cold
what’s the matter? did you finally see
how it’s a rarity, how nobody loves quite like me?

i’ve outgrown the need for uncertainty
i’ll know within the first few seconds
whether to stay or leave
i stayed too long
overdid my part in too many songs
that i didn’t even write
i’ll wait until it’s right
a voice came into my head
this morning it said, “you’re ready”
and i am